“I’ve had a change of heart.”
Monday, February 7, 2011
A Final Goodbye, Busting Putter in a Lie, and a New Guy
Why was Snow White kicked out of the toybox? She sat on Pinnochio's face screaming, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
Last week... After seeing Niceguy11, it opened up my heart and memories about Putter. We just broke up about six weeks ago and getting close to someone new, made me realize how much I missed Putter.
A Final Goodbye
Friday night, I got his text, had to read it twice to make sure I understood it, Niceguy11’s words took my breath away.
“I’ve had a change of heart.”
“I’ve had a change of heart.”
And that was all it said, really what else did it need to say?
We had spent a couple of perfect evenings, had great conversation and shared passionate moments. We were getting close, talked almost every day for a few weeks. I was starting to see a place for him in my life.
Yet as I was getting close to him, it made me miss my ex, Putter. I contacted him and faced the unresolved feelings I had for him. I was honest with Niceguy11 about it, definitely the right thing to do. He sensed my distance I’m sure. He had things going on in his life too his daughter was tugging at his guilty conscious for the divorce. I’m sure he felt torn. He probably was scared about my feelings for Putter. I can’t blame him. I blame myself.
He didn’t seem worried about the “Putter factor”, but he probably noticed me answering him a little more slowly, maybe being a little less connected. Part of me tells me I should clarify why he is ending us, the other part of me says to let it go. I listen to the part of me that says let it go and just send him well wishes, very unlike me but I feel mostly responsible.
Even though I was in a place of confusion, I still was saddened to get his final text ending us. The final moment of a breakup is always hard. Even if the relationship wasn’t great, it’s always hard for me to close the door to the possibility of that person being in my future. This one was great, lots of potential, but I knew I wasn’t ready to give him this part of me.
I had plans that night with my bff. We went out dancing and had a great time. We rarely get to see each other but when we do, we crack each other up. She is one of those rare connections that I have that allows me to just be unedited and silly. When we are together we laugh out loud. She is younger than me, a skinny bitch (lol), gorgeous. Men are drawn to us because we are having fun. So, it’s always a great time when we are out and I needed it. Although, I was a lame ass and kept checking my phone hoping for a message from Putter that never came.
I have no shortage of men contacting me right now, which I guess should be more of a big deal to me than it truly is. I have a first date set up with a guy who drives a Porsche, there is a cop who is pursuing me, and Herbie64 won’t give up on me (even though I’ve told him he should).
I just can’t deny my feelings for Putter, yet I know I probably should move on.
Busting Putter in a Lie
After a day, I gave up and texted Putter. He didn’t return it until early the next morning. He was on a date. The words seared my eyeballs, had to read them again. (When he texted me last week if I was seeing anyone else, I told him I was. I then asked him and he didn’t answer. Which I interpreted as, no. Maybe this was a first date? Hmmmm)
I had to sit down and didn’t want to read what it said again, "a date?” I wanted to be misreading it. I wasn’t.
The tears came fast and my breathing stopped. I felt physically sick. It literally felt like a punch in the gut. Or the heart.
My hear t raced, whole body hurt and I had to remind myself to breathe.
Through my tears, I’m trying to text something back breezy. I can’t think of what to say and because I’m crying I can’t even see the screen.
I texted back something like good luck, which he interpreted as sarcasm. I didn’t mean it that way at all and said something cheery back. I did say that I wished he would have given us another chance to see if there was anything still there. We were flirting hardcore for a week every day all day and then he goes and has a date. I know you’re thinking (Hypocrite – you have a date too, hello?) The difference is that I haven’t slept with anyone else. I’m, pretty sure he did last night. I just don’t move quite that fast.
It made more sense to talk now than to text, so he called.
He started off by saying, “I care too much about you to hurt you again.”
“I’m not going to lie and make you think something that isn’t true. I don’t know if I can be capable of anything right now other than just a physical relationship. The sex that we had was some of the best of my life (another satisfied customer, I think to myself … puffing out my chest lol) but I won’t do it unless you understand that it probably can’t be anything more.”
I asked him about his date last night. He said that they’ve been out a few times and he’s not sure about her.
He apologized for the past. I apologized for the past. We discussed whether we could just have a sexual relationship. We relived hot moments from the past. He said “When you …. And then I…. and then we….” He gushed about how much he just wants one more hot night together. Ditto.
We have to end the conversation and I’m reeling, relieving passion and missing him.
Right now, my heart just hurts.
Putter doesn’t feel attached to me like I do to him. Niceguy11 has moved on. Kincaid’s relationship status changed on Facebook this week to “In a relationship”.
As the day goes on, I keep replaying my conversation with Putter in my head. (BACK THAT TRUCK UP! He said he has gone out with this girl few times… it didn’t dawn on me until later that I asked him last week if he was seeing someone and he didn’t tell me about her at all.)
In that moment, I got it. Ding ding! No sex, no matter how good was worth compromising myself. If he couldn’t tell me the truth, it’s too risky even just for just a sexual relationship. It’s about respect and that is more important than sex, even really good, ok really really good sex. I texted Putter that he hadn’t been honest and to forget it and hit send. It felt good. Really good.
The Single Mom
Next post… a New Guy with a Porsche...