Friday, February 11, 2011

Glue Crystals to My Cha-Cha? Have a Threesome with Ben & Jerry? Or... Door Number 3?

Last winter Jennifer Love Hewitt made news when her way to deal with an emotional breakup was to pour hot wax on her cha cha, have her pubes ripped out and affix some crystals to her um... region.   She told George Lopez and the world how this was empowering and helped her move on from the heartbreak.   Really??? Ok.  I honestly considered vajazzling my stuff last summer, but not sure it would really give me the rush I was looking for.
My married friends wanted me to do it, (ya how nice of them huh?).   I considered it a lot last summer actually.  However, it was a really steamy summer and I imagined me wearing one of my skirts, (because I always wear them in the summer).  We’d all be at a festival or a party standing around talking.   I’d look down and see a little pile of crystals on the ground in front of me because the glue melted, and my hooha was sweaty.  I’d have to think of some cover story of why there was a shiny crystal puddle on the ground between my legs, because embarrassing shit always happens to me like that.  Nah, not really my idea of moving on.
I could do the whole threesome with Ben & Jerry’s but is kind of cliche.  I’ve done the pathetic drunk texting , actually come to think of it more than my share of pathetic sober texting.  (Lame)   Calling me a hot mess was a good start, but now I'm feeling so much better.   I thought about "sittin the bench" forever and just being the crazy cat lady.   My plan was to have a kitty for every dude who broke my heart and just wallow for awhile.  Ya, that was kinda funny to joke about, but it isn't like me to give up on anything.

This breakup isn't really just about getting over this one person (Putter), I think it’s getting over a string of serial relationships layered one on top of the other.   Each time, I thought I’d figured out something that made THIS ONE different, a different combination to the lock that finally opened the safe and the incredible reward was inside waiting for me.   Ya, notsomuch.

The best post mortem I can come up with is that my relationships usually become too centered around sex.  Yikes, did I really just say that?   I have to take ownership for that and figure out a way to change it up for next time.   I’ve had an occasional slip up of having sex on the first date or waited until the fifth, but they all ended up in “Dirtytown” for the majority of our relationship.  I know, I know Captain Obvious is calling me right now, I know what you’re thinking…

So today,  I've worked a full day of work, cooked dinner, helped the boys with homework, and started working on my bedroom redecorating project.  I’m trying to move forward with my life and make healthy decisions and stick to my new year’s resolutions and keep myself in check.  Writing this blog has already been one of the best things I have ever done.   I’ve already met so many amazing friends who I’ve come to be close to, many others just a couple steps away.   I’ve learned that many of the experiences and feelings I’ve had are universal to women and men.   We all at our core want to be loved and wanted, but why is it so hard to find that and more importantly how do we keep it?

It’s almost midnight on a work night and I’m here in my bedroom getting a buzz from inhaling paint fumes from the fresh coat of paint on my bedroom furniture.   Every stroke of the paint brush I just keep thinking gets me closer to putting a little bit of the past behind me and a fresh start.  I'm trying to do this on a small budget, so I was excited when I found a can of paint in the garage.   (I want to get some pics of my project up soon.)  
I’m trying to do anything to distract myself from jumping back into an unhealthy relationship right now and this little project is a great diversion.
I have several men pursuing me right now.  Ordinarily I’d probably be going after one or two of them.   Herbie64 (The First Date: Nervous Jitters, Little White Lies and Hot Kisses) is still contacting me, practically begging me to go out with him again.  I didn’t have a chance to write about an event that happened after our date, but basically I caught him in a lie.  He posted something on  Facebook about having a date and told me he stayed home with his kids on that night, whoops.  It’s not just that he lied, but that he didn’t just take responsibility for it.   So, I'm not all that sure I can trust him.

I hate to say it but I am really excited about a guy from the dating site who has been contacting me who seems really great.  He’s a scientist, highly educated, good looking, a little geeky, but very sensitive.   My only concern is that he might be a little too shy for me or won’t fit into my social life.   It’s too early to decide that now, so I’ll keep an open mind.  There is something really different about him and drawing me to him.  So, I was excited to hear from him today.    I have this fantasy replaying that I go to his workplace - a lab.  He's there in a white lab coat, sees me and takes off his glasses.  He then slides test tubes and beakers and all kinds of science stuff off the slate lab table and just has his way with me.  (kinda geekyhot, huh? lol)
There are a few other men I’ve been talking to.  I do have to admit that with working and then doing this blog, I’ve been really busy and not taken much time to be involved in any man that I haven’t seen true potential with.   I’ve been talking to a man who I’m thinking will go more into the friend zone,  not sure yet.   We've been talking for a few weeks, but honestly when he’s tried to schedule a time to get together, I’ve been busy.
I’m still talking to the cop, but I really see red flags all around this one.  Probably the most glaring thing is that I think he might be just a little too freaky for me.  It’s kind of hot to talk to him, but do I really see myself at a swingers club?  No probably not.   Ok, if that makes me lame, I can live with that.
I think the new guy, the Porsche guy is still a possibility but I’m not sure he’s at a great place for a relationship right now.  I don’t really want to put myself out there too far if he’s not ready.   It might take a few dates for us to see if there’s chemistry and if we like each other’s company.    But, I have to give myself time for anything to develop too.
I guess I’m just so done with trying to have someone grow on me.  I really want someone who will blow me away and we hit it off from jump street.  Is that too much to ask for?  Basically, it shouldn’t have to be hard or something I have to about.  I’ve done that so much in the past, tried to talk myself into being with someone or liking someone.  Right now, I’m just so done with the bullshit.  I just don’t have time or want to make small talk with one more insincere dude who just is going to want to bone me at the end of the night. 
Maybe it’s the paint fumes getting to me, but I feel like I’m finally at a place to be patient and choosy.   I’ve experienced every high and low, feeling like I met my soulmate but he felt like he met a good buddy(fml), to being practically engaged after 3 weeks, to having a disaster date with a guy who thought that planning a for a woman hooker to join us on a date was a good present to surprise me with, (uh, no… I’d go with flowers or candy next time bro…).    It’s been surreal looking back on it and I feel like I’ve gotten to a place where choosing to be alone is a whole lot more desirable than being with a douchebag.   (well unless he's a really hot douchebag -jk)


The Single Mom

Next time:  What happens this weekend... I'll kiss and tell.. or...


James Marriott said...

"He then slides test tubes and beakers and all kinds of science stuff.."

That sentence didn't end how I thought (hoped) it might...

singlemom said...

I know me either... it was a dream sequence and I couldn't even pull off a happy ending... fml :D