Wednesday, February 16, 2011

My Past with "Rockstar" (Part 3): Plans With "Rockstar" to Reunite on Valentine's Day...

I always daydream about the chick flicks when the man and the woman hit it off in the beginning and for some reason that couldn’t be helped they had to be apart.   Eventually, time brought them back together at the end and they realized that their love had never gone away once fate threw them back together.   
When I first met Rockstar on this hot summer night, I felt like my life changed.   We talked about everything and I couldn’t imagine a day without telling him what was going on in my life and asking him about his.   He travelled a lot for work, so we couldn’t spend a lot of time together, but when we did it was always really great.  
We met and totally clicked but our lives were different.   I was a mom of two teenage boys, he had never been married and was a few years younger than me.  Now things were different, he began pursuing me again after almost two years of not seeing each other and I finally agreed to see him again on Valentine's Day.
As I was getting ready for this celebration he asked me if I remembered our first Valentine’s Day together.  I said of course, laughing as I recalled how we walked across the street to the little pizza place in the ice storm to get our heart shaped pizza for dinner.    The hair on our heads was frozen by the time we both got back and he put on my white fluffy bathrobe after taking off his frozen shirt and pants.   I changed into my sexy little black velvet jammie pants that he loved to touch and a long sleeved black shirt with no bra. 
We spread out a blanket, put on music and drank red wine.  I could still see his teeth discolored a little from the red wine and remember us teasing each other about it. 
It was a simple night really but looking back on it made me so happy.  He was trying  to make a serious point about music but the fact that he was wearing my bathrobe took away all of his credibility.  I couldn’t stop laughing and he lost his irritation and the bathrobe a few seconds after I leaned over and kissed him really hard. 
I had very fond memories of that Valentine's Day but tried to forget the next year when he totally stood me up.  We were going to see the movie, "Music and Lyrics" with Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant because it reminded me of us.  We both loved music and it was such an important part of our relationship.  He stood me up after we had a minor argument.   That Valentine's Day memory bothered me a lot and I could never bring myself to see that movie and even seeing a commercial about it turned my stomach for weeks after.
We planned a night at home much like we were planning tonight.    I daydreamed that at last our love story would have the conclusion it was supposed to.  Finally, a limo was going to pull up (Pretty Woman), he was going to hop out of it with my missing glass slipper.   We’d have our Allie & Noah reunion (The Notebook)…. he’d say,  “It wasn’t over, it still isn’t!” and kiss me hard on the mouth.  I’d waited for our happy ending for years, today was that day – I could feel it.
When he first started contacting me in December to get back together it was the wrong time.  He sent me Christmas wishes but it was definitely an ulterior motive to talk to me.  I was in a semi-serious relationship that I was committed to although it was far from perfect.  There was a lot of sickness in my family and stress.  It wasn’t the time to approach me to get back together.   However, it was comforting to talk to him as my old friend and catch each other up on the last six months of news, however I wasn’t going to let myself get close to him.
 I’d waited so long for him to say he missed me and I tried to keep up my brick wall when he said them to me but it didn’t work.  I said something casual back about it being too late, but I had to admit it chipped away at the wall somewhat.    I’d never let on to him about that though. 
Over the days and weeks that passed he kept pulling my heartstrings.  He apologized for the past and his immaturity, he brought up old memories of us.  Of course he pulled out the trump card he often played about how he held me all night while I cried after my mom died.  Truth, he was there for me then when I needed him.  However, did that one time tip the scales for all the times he wasn’t?  He disappointed me so many times.  Now he’s different.  The time is different. His life is different.  He’s sick of being in his 30’s and not being with someone, someone like me.
Yes, him inserting the reference to our song was obvious “Someone Like You” and it gave me chills when he said it.   I couldn’t maintain my poker face anymore.   I had been holding on to a trump card of my own, my relationship had ended a week ago.   It ended on its own naturally.    The fact that Rockstar was back in my life didn’t change my actions, maybe I would have fought to keep the other relationship together harder, but I truly didn’t care to. 
Once we started talking about our plans for the day, we started making other plans too.  He asked if he could bring over his computer and stay for a few days.   He was one of the few men I have dated through the years that my boys have met, it was time to integrate him into our lives a little more. 
I agreed to see him this weekend, ironically Valentine’s Day.  Now that it was here I was beyond excited.  I did the big date prep, (ladies you know what I’m talking about… full makeup, hair, nails, and hair removal that takes about a half day by itself).  There was now a fresh bottle of Jack Daniels in my bar because it was his favorite.   I also rented “Music and Lyrics” from our ill-fated 2007 Valentine’s day and cued up “Someone Like You” on my ipod for a slow dance.   (The ipod he gave me on my birthday a few years ago loaded with some of our favorite songs, no less.)
He texted me in the morning and said he had to babysit his cousin’s kids but would be over in the early afternoon.   I couldn’t wait to see him.  The old feelings were flooding back as I prepared our dinner, set the dinner table and brought out all my candles to light in my bedroom.  His box of Godiva chocolates and card were on my dresser in the spot where he always put his keys and wallet when he took off his clothes at night. 
The weather forecast was calling for snow, so I just wanted him to make sure he got here before it got too bad outside.  He assured me he would.
Everything was ready and all set up for being together, this was the first of many nights I’d cook him dinner.   The image was so clear in my head.    The way we felt about each other never changed, he just had to mature a little and maybe I did too.   Just maybe, I had to be single awhile. 
It was almost 2:00 and I hadn’t heard from him.  The skies were getting a darker grey and I was concerned that he would run into a problem getting here.
I texted him and was relieved to get back a message that said he would use his brother’s Hummer to get to me, nothing would stop him from getting to me today.
Whew, I felt so much better.
I caught up on normal things around the house, folded a load of wash and unloaded the dishwasher to distract myself.     A couple of hours went by and still no word.  I waited.
I checked my phone, was it working?  Hmmm… maybe I should take out my battery and reset it.  I sent my best friend a test to see if she got it and she returned it with a warm hello back.   Dammit!  My phone worked just fine.
Email was working too and there was nothing from him. 
Don’t panic.  I’m sure everything is ok.
After another hour, I texted him.  His reply back was, “My cousin said they should be back any minute”.   Another text came, “I’ll let you know.”
I sent back a text was my attempt to sound breezy, but I’m sure wasn’t.
Within the next hour, it started snowing.   The flakes came down slowly at first, huge fluffy flakes.   It was silent and peaceful as the green of the grass slowly became covered in white.   The blanket of snow covered the brown branches of the trees, the walkway and my car.   It was beautiful, truly a gorgeous afternoon.
I relaxed on my bed watching the flakes fall down from the sky and accumulate by the inch outside.  The tears ran down my face gently at first too, then came faster until I was overtaken by a full sob.   The makeup I’d carefully applied now was a mess of black streaks all over my face.   I fell asleep for at least an hour and checked my phone when I awoke, no new messages.
He wasn’t coming.  It was time to face it.
The snowy outside peaceful world was a sharp contrast to the turmoil I felt in my heart today.  It hurt so much, I couldn’t believe he had done this to me, again.  But why?  I couldn’t come up with any answers.
I spent the evening with my substitute date, Jack Daniels.   I also cracked open Rockstar's box of Godiva chocolates and ate them.  (Ha!  That will show him!  It sounded stupid at the time to me then too, lol.)
Before today I’d had some really crappy Valentine’s Day memories.  The year my youngest son (he was 6 at the time), puked at the overcrowded Olive Garden and made a huge scene ranked as my worst Valentine's Day until today.   But now, I was a little nostalgic for that embarrassing Valentine’s Day compared to today.  That embarrassing night was no comparison to the misery of spending this Valentine's Day alone with my broken heart.
That wasn't the last time I heard from him and I will tell you the rest next time.
The Single Mom

Note: This was Valentine's Day 2010

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