Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Naked (Adult Content)

His words shocked me and made my body go numb.     His text said, “I’m falling for you, hard.”

I got Southerngent’s text when I was paying for groceries, digging for change and answering the bagger, “plastic”.    In my mind, I was cooking dinner for the boys, putting away the groceries and then rushing off to counsel my friend tonight.  Lots of tasks to check off the list, an impromptu phone conversation didn’t exactly fit into the plan.
I returned his call from the car, bags carefully stowed in the trunk.    It was a chilly March evening, sunny and the promise of spring in the air, yet the bite of winter still lingered.
Southerngent reached out to me several times today, this past one was a request to call him.  Emotionally, I’m at a different place with him, his extreme hot and cold behavior and the fact that he hasn’t spent time with me lately forced me into a corner, and into the arms of Putter.  I was honest with him and told him why I felt the way I did.   Although he didn’t intend to hurt me, he did and that doesn’t make it hurt any less.   I gave him a part of me, bared my soul to him and gave him a small piece of my heart.  We talked a lot about being together and making love.  But, it was just talk.
Now on the phone, I explained the reasons for my distance as he tried to bridge the distance with words.  Although I’ve waited a long time to hear words like the ones he spoke today, his timing sucked.    He completely exposed himself when he said, “I’m ready, I’m falling for you and I haven’t felt this way in a long time, a very long time.  I want to be with you, and I’m sure about you.  You’re funny, you always make me smile and you’re so damned sexy.”   I didn’t know what to say, what could I?  I feel like I’ve been beating my head against a wall for weeks, telling him what I need waiting for him to step up and spend time with me.   He hesitated and allowed Putter to sneak into that crack.  (so to speak, people, lol)
The conversation ended abruptly, a dropped call and no signal, perfect.
Carrying the groceries into the house, I paused to notice the purple crocus blooms.  They were the first to proudly trumpet the arrival of spring a couple of weeks ago on a sunny March afternoon.   Today, their petals are closed tightly in retreat, reacting to winter’s last icy curtain call.  Falling in love is like that, moments of vulnerability and moments of retreat.
It’s been almost two weeks since I saw Southerngent, so despite what he says, his actions send a totally different message.  What SHOULD I think?  I’ve been strung along way too many times in the past to go down that road again.    In a perfect world, I’d already be madly in love with him because he’s everything I could want.   But this isn’t a perfect world, by far and he’s only making it worse.  
In my mind, I’m still processing my raw feelings for Putter.   His kisses still linger on my skin.  I reminisce of us being together, naked and all imperfections exposed.      Our bodies move together in concert, they fit perfectly.    It’s like putting beautiful lyrics with the perfect music.    He’s seen my body in poses that only someone wielding a speculum or a hot puddle of bikini wax have ever seen before.    I’ve been completely stripped in front of him in every way.
I haven’t heard from him since I saw him and that’s very unsettling.     The irony is that while Putter doesn’t SAY a lot, his actions have been doing the talking lately.  This is the exact opposite of Southerngent.  He SAYS he’s ready, he texts me, calls me, he has the words, but not the actions.   He’s not the typical man, he can say the “R” (relationship) word without choking it up.   However, if he cannot make time for me it's all irrelevant.
I can juggle schedules, priorities, time demands but I cannot juggle hearts, moreover I don’t want to.  Hot or cold, naked or clothed… it’s time to decide.

Smooches,

The Single Mom  

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Honestly if those feeling where real his passion and loved would have fueled desire no dropped call coil put out and no obstacle could stop. Listen to you gut follow your needs and when some one drops their guard then you will know mashalpha from Twitter

singlemom said...

You are right and I agree with you. That's great advice and I'll try to keep that in mind. Thanks for reading! Smooches!

James Marriott said...

Will go out on a limb knowing I risk being made to look a fool in the next post but...

I disagree with above. This could simply be a case of Southerngent trying to give you space whilst letting you know how he feels and allowing you to sort things out for yourself knowing he will be there when you do. It's one of those stupid things we men think is being really cool and understanding but is often, as is the case here, maybe, sending out the complete opposite signal.

@mr_jmm

singlemom said...

Well, Jim... having the benefit of looking at this situation now in a rearview mirror I can say now that Southerngent was just not ready. Grrrrr... what a waste of time and emotion.

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