Monday, March 28, 2011

Red Lacy Panties, Passion, and a Confused Heart

A note, a cd and a paper bag filled with candy and closure.  Unspoken words, desires unmet left on Putter’s doorstep inside a brown sack.   It wasn’t an act of drama, it wasn’t nasty, just fulfilling a promise and closing the door.   One door closed, so another could be opened.  
My feelings were not reciprocated so I packed them up in a little bag.   With a deep breath and a heavy heart, I ascended the stairs to his apartment and silently said my goodbyes.    Together we’ve known incredible passion, anger and been through a plethora of emotions.   All that’s in the past, we’ve forgiven each other and made peace and love, or sex to be more accurate.
It was now time to realize that sex was all it would ever be.   I wasn’t in his heart and I wanted more.    For all the writing I do about sex, when the rubber meets the road, someone really has to have my heart for me to sleep with them.  I haven’t been with anyone else besides him, in nearly 6 months.   However, it was now time to finish that chapter and begin a new one, as hard as that was.  So, about three weeks ago, I did that and put all my energy into a new relationship.
I was getting close to letting in “Southerngent”, very close.   We’ve been talking for about two months, getting to know each other slowly, there’s been connection but lately he’s giving me mixed signals.  He talks about being ready to commit to me and be in a relationship, yet he’s still active on the dating site.   We’ve also barely seen each other.  He just doesn’t make time for me.   If I’ve learned anything from the last 6 chaotic years of dating, it’s to judge a man more on his actions than words.    There comes a point when texting just isn’t enough anymore.  Fact.
This is the perfect segue to Putter’s actions.    I’ve seen a change, he knows what I want and asked me on a date, a real date.  
We met for drinks and talked, cracked up actually.  We were playful and giddy.   Our chemistry is absolutely off the charts.    We laugh, we can talk about anything and we want each other like no other.    When we are together, I get lost and feel like a kid.    It feels like we could go from having a squirt gun fight in the backyard to making out like teenagers in about 10 seconds.   I think if we ever did have a life together, we would have so much fun and be so incredibly happy.  
We talked, softly kissed and drank.   His finger traced the border of my red lacy panties peeking out of the top of my pants, his mouth opened up to mine and he kissed me hard, pressing his body against mine.   Something was different about him.  His kisses were more tender, he held me tighter, he opened up more, or did I just imagine it?
Southerngent is pushing me away and I’ve told him so.  Putter is drawing me near, doing things he knows I want and need.    I’m not sure what to do, but I do know that whatever happens, I have to be smart.

Thanks for reading and I welcome your comments!


The Single Mom

PS  This blog post was extremely difficult to write for a couple of reasons.  First, it forces me to face my true feelings for Putter.    He has my heart, I don’t know if he wants it but he has it.   Secondly, the transparency of writing a blog like this, practically in real time makes it difficult to keep a “poker face” in real life.  Whew, hard stuff. 


PumpkinHat said...

Seems like you're less confused than you may like to be. :3

Yes, you're going to need to be smart and take a long look at the situation before you make a decision. And you will have to make a decision.

I wish you luck, definitely. But, if you know what you want then I'm sure you'll figure out how to get it.

singlemom said...

Aw, thanks Punkinchapeau! I think I'm just gonna have to see how things unfold... Thanks for your friendship! Smooches!

singlemom said...

Aw, thanks Punkinchapeau! I think I'm just gonna have to see how things unfold... Thanks for your friendship! Smooches!

James Marriott said...

I've forgotten how I feel about Putter. Hmmmm... Need to go back over a few posts again.
As you and PH said, tread carefully. With Putter your ruled by your heart and I really think this is one of those times when you need to listen to the voice in your head.

singlemom said...

Ya, well Putter manipulated my feelings a bit, so not cool... I've learned a lot since then, what a dork I was. Unfortunately, the voice somewhere else was drowning out the voice in my head...