Friday, March 25, 2011

Sexting in the Suburbs: The Funny and Sexy Life of a Single Suburban Mom (Adult Content)

Packing lunches, smelly gym socks and last minute trips to Wal-Mart for poster board at 9:00 at night are daily realities of my life.   It’s a challenge to maintain romance and passion in the midst of parenting two teenage boys.   Thus was the downfall of my ill-fated marriage, so I intentionally try to sustain passion and romance in relationships now.
It’s not just about the time constraints.   Often the challenge is an emotional one.  It’s really difficult to make a mood shift to respond in kind to a sexy text from my man in a moment that I’m not feeling particularly sexy.    Standing in my kitchen toiling over a sink full of dirty dishes, rockin pajama pants while simultaneously reducing fractions makes it difficult to react in a sexy way when the text comes in, “What are you wearing, baby?”  Do I maintain the truth in our relationship and say, “a Mickey Mouse t-shirt with spaghetti sauce stains, pajama pants with a black and white puppy pattern, accessorized with a day old ponytail”?  Or, do I backburner truth for the sake of passion and reply with, “Just getting out of the shower, baby drying off”.     
Tonight for example, I couldn’t take the phone call from the person I’m currently seeing because of a night crunched with grocery shopping and homework.  Eight bags of groceries and one George Washington poster later, I realized I’d missed two texts and one phone call from him.  
The reality that I’m a single woman and somewhat attractive, took a while for my kids to digest.   I can remember the reality smacking my oldest (he was 12 at the time) in the face early in my single life when a trucker next to us at a light was obnoxiously ogling me and it made my young teenage son feel awkward.  He said out loud, “Ew… he’s checking you out, mom!”    I will take the liberty to translate this to 12 year old boy for you, “Yuck, that’s my mom, she can’t be hot.”
My boys have only met a few of the men in my life, but have witnessed heartbreak and sent me off for many dates with best wishes many times.  Their skin is much thicker now and they truly want me to find happiness.
Last summer, I was seeing someone and it was hard to find private time to be together.  A few unplanned stolen moments of privacy appeared from nowhere on a summer’s evening.   My kids made last minute plans to go watch a football game.  Three texts later and the man I was seeing was on his way over to take advantage of this rare opportunity.   A racing pulse, an outfit change and a quick shave in the bathroom sink later, I’m opening the door to my beau du jour.  
He and I went down to our finished basement and did adult stuff, wink wink.  Both of us were shocked when we heard the boys’ muffled voices upstairs no later than 30 minutes after they left.  It was way too early in the relationship to introduce them, but now there was no avoiding it.  We both put ourselves back together and composed ourselves before heading upstairs to face the unavoidable embarrassing moment ahead of us.   Hand to God, my boys saw there was a car in the driveway, figured out that this was the man I'd been talking about recently and prepared a witty comment for the situation.
I introduced this new man in my life to my boys, sitting like angels quietly on the couch.  They innocently looked up at him and said, “Are you our daddy?”    My date freaked out a little (a father of 5 kids of his own) for a second. The boys couldn’t hold their giggles for long as I tried to fake the infamous mom’s stink eye face, unsuccessfully suppressing laughter of my own.
Although I feel like a fish out of water, swimming around in this pool of married couples, I try to make the best of it and laugh along the way.  I also try to maintain my relationships as best as I can, whether that means sexting while my friends are having a conversation about the Vacation Bible School carpool, or sneaking off for a “milk run”.   I'm making the best of this surreal situation and I invite you along for the ride.

Smooches,

The Single Mom

8 comments:

Just Call Me Frank said...

Doll - this is our favourite one so far!

Your boys sound like they are funny and well rounded! Bet your a great mom...

Love & Twitter Kisses
Frank (& Bitch)

singlemom said...

Aw thank you!!! I'm not gonna go all "Kathielee" on ya, but they are amazing kids, thank you. I'm so grateful to be their mom, really. Glad you liked the piece, it was sooooo funny. <3 Love ya!

James Marriott said...

What F&B said. Reminds me of something a friend told me about her being a hot mum and kids reaction, I'll send it on.

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