Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Sex, Lies and more Lies about Sex

What you need to know for today’s post:  1. I’m a hopeless romantic/dumbass   2.  Most exboyfriends come back to me eventually   3. I usually get my heart broken because I’m a hopeless romantic/dumbass and go back out with them
Today’s post is about two men that oddly enough keep popping in and out of my life at the same time, Putter and Freakshow.   I’m going to start with the present, get you caught up and then tie it all up, I promise.  It’s so beyond crazy how intertwined this all is.
It’s really important for me to say right here before I go on that I don’t use my blog for cryptic messages, to make someone jealous, mad or say things that I don’t air out with the people involved.  That’s not fair to you and it’s also not fair to them.  That abuses the purpose of this blog.   

So, to rewind back a couple months ago when Putter and I began talking and seeing each other again it was with a lot of caution.  The last time we broke up it was unpleasant.  We both got really upset and it became a really angry break up.  We both apologized and put that behind us.  Moving forward, I asked for only one thing, honestly.    Honesty.   When it was just about sex, we both knew it and I didn’t expect anything else.    Now it was different, he was trying harder and that’s why it’s so upsetting.
After having closure with Putter, I started moving on, talking to Southerngent, seeing him and getting close to him.  We were getting very close and then his hot and cold thing happened.  He started getting cold feet, pushing me away.   I told him and he kept doing it.  His actions and words didn’t match, I saw yellow flags and backed my truck up.    We still talk every day, but again, not much traction.
In the meantime, contact with Putter picked up.   He read my blog, knew I was getting close to falling for someone else.   He also knew that his only chance to be with me now was to step up his game, it couldn’t be about sex anymore and he knew that.   In the few weeks that preceded this moment, we flirted but when it came to a point where it could go over the line into a booty call, I pulled back.  It wasn’t what I wanted and he knew it.    We were friendly and had gotten over the past but I was moving on.
A week and a half ago, he asked me on a date, put on the full court press, lit candles, was extremely sweet.    He was different, loving, and caring.  He opened up about his daughters and showed me pictures of them.  He’d never done that before.  It was sweet, really sweet.    Everything was different, he was open, gushed about how beautiful I was and it felt like a huge turning point.  Now it only feels like manipulation.   I’ll explain more in a minute, hang on.
So, after that I was hanging back and after last week’s conversations, we let things rest for several days.   Yesterday, I started thinking of him again, sent him a few texts.   After some dead air I asked him if he would please say something, anything.   Finally after this appeal, he said that although we had the most amazing sexual connection of his life but that he couldn’t do this anymore. 
So, what exactly could he not do?  Hmmm….    Just what exactly was the “this”?   I had to think about it for a second.    Did he get his thumbs burnt in a tragic waffle iron accident or what?   Something just didn’t add up… hang on to this thought because we are coming back to it.
What I asked him next was the key to everything.    “Are you seeing someone else?”    He replied,  “Yes I am.”   As soon as I saw the words on my phone, it felt like my entire body started burning from the inside out, my skin felt hot and my eyes instantly filled with tears.   I couldn’t see the words and I didn’t want to really. 
Before this moment, we hadn’t really had a final goodbye.   We texted and left things dangling in the air.   The moment of getting this text was reality smacking me in the face.   It reminded me of how it felt when my mom died, I faced it on some level when I heard it, the next two days were so busy getting the kids and me ready for the funeral, preparing words to say, etc. that it really didn’t sink in until I saw her body there lying in a casket.    I couldn’t deny reality anymore.   This text was like that, I couldn’t deny now that Putter was seeing someone else.
I broke down, I really did.    Daydreaming of him in my future and all the fun we would have was over.   The little movie that played in my head again and again would never happen.   The next couple of hours, I wrote, told Putter my true feelings for him, cried and reached out to a couple of friends.  Friends from real life and friends I’ve made from doing this blog, friends on Twitter and Facebook.  I’m grateful to be surrounded by so many incredible people. I truly am.   
Last week, after what I wrote, I got comments and emails that dogged Putter and I defended him.  Now I’m not so sure I should have.  I’m pretty sure he lied to me and manipulated me, which is worse.  Only he knows for sure but I can’t defend that and wont.  I gave him a chance to explain and only got dead air back.  That tells me that I’m right.  He knew exactly what he would have to do to get to me and he did it just to get what he wanted that's very selfish.
I was really doing my best to put him in the past and he knew that.   He read my blog, knew I was getting close to someone else and asked me out so he could take one more ride on Magic Mountain.  He knew what he’d have to do to get what he wanted and he did exactly that.    He manipulated my heart and that’s unfair.
Everything about the night we had was perfect.  If it was anything less, I’d think that maybe he didn’t have feelings for me or that something was just off.    He was gushing about it and I was too.    We were more connected, talked about doing things in the future, our kids.   He tore down his walls and let me in and I was falling for him. 
Now I know that it was only so he could have sex.    I cannot begin to tell you how much that hurts.  
That night changed so much for me, since he was more open with me, I began seeing him in my future in a way I’d never seen before.  Things were different now because I felt him falling for me.    I saw us spending time with each other’s kids, doing things over the summer together, making wishes on dandelions and packing up the kids to take them to the drive in on a summer’s night.     While I was dreaming those things he was with someone else.  Ouch.
While I was writing about not wanting to juggle hearts, he was playing with mine.    That stings, it really does.  I’m not going to put my usual coat of sugar on it.  I can’t today and I won’t.  Fuck it, hold the sugar.   I’m devastated, couldn’t sleep and I just feel numb.  
So, that brings us ironically to Freakshow, wrapping up what happened at Christmas and bringing you into the present.    Again, ironic but right after Putter and I broke up at Christmas, Freakshow contacted me with holiday wishes.  The same thing just happened, which is beyond ironic. 
At Christmas, Freakshow asked if I was single.  I said I recently was and was still hurting.  I lost my job, my life sucked.  He seemed to care genuinely about me.   We talked and texted.  He brought up our future together, the relationship he wanted with me and how we would get through this together.   Having that comfort from him meant the world to me.
Because of how hectic Christmas was, obviously we weren’t able to make plans until 2 days after.  We made plans to meet for a drink and we were both sending texts back and forth about how excited we were to see each other again.   As the day went on, the excitement built.   We set up a time to meet and I braved the clear, brutal cold December night to see him.    While I was trying to warm up in the car, the memories of the hot summer nights played in my head.   Hot, sweaty, passionate evenings, stolen moments with a dash of the past hurt played in my brain like a movie.    I hadn’t allowed myself to fall for him that summer, but I was really close. 
As I was driving to our meeting point, I heard my text box chime.   At the next light I opened it up.  I couldn’t believe what it said.  He said, “I can’t meet you.  I haven’t been honest with you, I’m seeing someone else.”    I couldn’t believe what I just read.  It was all I could do to be able to get to a safe place to pull over and tell him what an asshole, assclown, assbag, asswipe, maybe more I can’t remember now, but you get the idea, right?   I told him to take me out of his phone I hated him.   Now, I have more respect for him.  Did I just say this for real and not backspace over it?    Apparently so. 
As much as I hated him in that moment and I had every right to, he didn’t use me.   He didn’t just use me like Putter apparently did.
All of this is so ironic, Freakshow texted me on my very first date with Putter.  He wanted to get back together at Christmas when I broke up with Putter.  Now he contacted me again after another breakup, you guessed it with Putter.     It was beyond weird that Freakshow texted me yesterday between texts with Putter.   Freakshow was sending me sweet texts and asking me out to dinner for last night, while I was crying… how perfect is that?
I’m not going to wallow and I’m not going to let it hold me back for a second.   This is only going to push me harder towards the good stuff.    I'm working hard on my book and I know good things are going to come out of all this.  Thank you for reading and your comments!
The Single Mom 


renae said...

Wow, I admire you. You always make me laugh and I love your blog so much. Stay strong!

cheekie said...

So sorry for all this drama you're going through. No one needs that. Sounds to me like they both got caught out. Or put into a pressure situation by their current gf's. Who knows. But you don't need head games. Delete their numbers, ignore them. Easier said than done, but they're both bad pennies, keep turning up. Stay strong girl...xxxx

PumpkinHat said...

You have a good head on your shoulders, SMD. You'll get through it. Just be honest with yourself and don't let those nobodies tug you where you don't need to go. Sweet words, careful words, they're all pretty strong. Sounds like these guys know how to use them, too. You're better off without.

Anonymous said...

I agree with all of the above! Time to put the past behind you and move on to bigger and better things:)

You go girlie girl:) xoxo

btw...it's Susan:)

singlemom said...

Thank you so much for your comments! I appreciate them so much - it means a lot to have you reading. Funny thing is, this has been the #1 day traffic wise on my site, so definitely good news and also indicative of how much support I have... just wait for the book... muwahahaha! Smooches!

singlemom said...

Thanks for the comments and for keeping them positive! Smooches!

renae said...

A book, really? That's great! I can't wait!!!

singlemom said...

Renae, yes a book. It's already underway and is going to be really funny and I think you will love it. Just so you know, I'm gonna post a small followup tomorrow continuing this subject and then be done with it. Thanks for reading!!

Nickel Pickle said...

Sorry hun! Going through a lot of the same thing. ((hugs))

singlemom said...

Thank you Nickel Pickle, I'm so sorry you are going through something similar. I just don't understand it. Hugs back to you! Let me know how you are doing, ok? xo

James Marriott said...

I'm actually annoyed!Maybe gutted is a better word. Don't know yet. Grrr