Thursday, April 14, 2011

Sorting through the Lies and Truth

Today I've honestly been a little quieter than normal thinking about the ending that Putter and I had.   We fought over text the day that I posted the final entry about him.  I made an offer to change anything that he felt didn't paint him in a positive light.  He declined and ultimately I feel like I was more than fair.  What I wrote was accurate and offering to change the post,  I think went above and beyond.

Ultimately, he felt like he didn't lie because we talked about ground rules in the beginning.  I began to want more and when that was no longer working for me I told him so.   After a few weeks,  he changed his actions to meet what I wanted.   So, this whole "we talked about it" defense that he used is a crutch.   I'd truly have a hard time believing he would in his heart of hearts stand behind that after he had a few weeks to think it through.   He's a good person at heart and I'm sure when he has time, he'll see it more objectively.

The past couple of days I've been mulling around what I need and that I want someone who wants to protect my heart and my feelings, not someone looking for a crappy loophole.  I can't respect someone who would do this to me and it's a good lesson. 

It sounds so cliche, but it really feels true right now to not settle.  Someone like this who looks for shades of grey instead of caring enough about me to man up isn't someone I'd want to give my heart to.  I'm sure someday Putter and I will be friendly but he's tarnished my impression of him.

I thought a lot about my life and in general my home is a happy home.  My boys and I laugh, talk and we are close.   Any man who I'd invite into our environment would need to have strong character and integrity.    I'm already happy with my boys and writing my blog and book.  I have a lot to be excited about and I don't want to write anyone into my life who could depreciate all the good things.  I want someone I can trust in my life, not someone I'd always have to be wondering about.

I know way too many people who are in marriages or other relationships who are perpetually miserable.   I'd really rather be single and focus on the things that are important to me.  It's a great time of the year, I have a lot of friends to go out dancing with, there are a lot of outside concerts in our area, I'm going to have a fun summer no matter who is in my life. 

Here are two things I've learned about dating today that I'll share with you.  

The first is when you are online dating, it feels like there are a zillion choices and it's so tempting at the first yellow flag to think that there is another hotter and better person just waiting for your email   Well guess what, the other person you're seeing is thinking the exact same thing.  At the first crack in your relationship, they are back online emailing their first choice and you are yesterday's news.   It's so much easier to keep in touch, especially with texting, Facebook and emailing with lower risk of rejection.   I know because I've done this so many times myself.

The second thing sounds really simple but it isn't really.   So many men, complain about drama.  I'll be the first one to say that I've gotten pissed and texted till my thumbs turned blue, and I'm not proud about it.   However the thing that strikes me is that if you cause a bad situation by being untruthful you can't just expect it to end well.   It's a part of the deal: if you lie and cheat, you're gonna piss someone of and there will be drama, and you probably deserve it, at least some of it. 

Thanks for reading and as always I appreciate your comments.


The Single Mom


cheekie said...

You DO deserve the best, and what you want. Don't ever settle for someone who gives you those escape clauses! You're right about the drama, I know way more men that cause, and have, drama then women. It's all of their own doing most of the time.

I for one hate online dating. I hate the feeling of being in a market like that, and as you said, so much of how we communicate these days can breed mistrust and crossed wires. Nothing like good old face to face or a phone call. xxx

singlemom said...

Thanks Sweetcheeks and knowing you now, I know you deserve that too, so let's keep each other away from douchebags.

The drama thing, I've thought a lot about. Ya, I'm not proud of the times I've lost it. However, I've lost it because of a bad situation or a lie.

Like you and I talked last night, so often we buy into the greener grass thing and overlook a really great catch. Boy am I ever seeing my mistakes in the past. I let some good ones go. Have you ever heard Anna Naylik, I think it's Diamond in the Rough? Great song, check it out. Hugs and smooches!

cheekie said...

We all lose it sometimes, it's part of being human, so don't be too hard on yourself. No apologies for being who you are, ever.

I'll check out that song :D xxxxx

singlemom said...

Ya, well I regret it deeply but hey I've learned. Writing has helped me so much and now that I've found people who can relate, all the better. <3 Love ya!