Tuesday, May 31, 2011

My Stuff... specifically hair removal of my stuff

Today, I'm gonna talk about my stuff.  One way or another, whatever I write about eventually comes back to my stuff somehow.  However today is different, I'm just gonna throw it straight down the plate and talk about my stuff.  Specifically, hair removal of said stuff.

So, here it is.  I'm just gonna lay it all out there for ya.  No I really am, hang on.  So, ya well there's something I want to say but don't really know how to bring it up.  I'm getting it, just a second.  Um, ok... well it's like this: hair removal (on our stuff specifically) is a pain in the ass.  (Or crotch, but you get where I was going with that, right)  Anyhoo, we ladies want our stuff really nice and clean for you, we really do.  I mean it.   Here's the rub, our choices aren't all that great for how to keep everything really nice and tidy.

Waxing, ya well let's just say that it HURTS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER!  Also, it means a trip to the spa, the embarassment of spreading your junk out in front of a stranger (while sober no less) and trying not to scream like a 13 year old girl when all our pubes are ripped out of your vajayjay.     Going to the OB/GYN once a year and spreading out our stuff is bad enough, but often we go to the spa and let some chick rip out our pubes for no good reason.

We do it for you though, because we want you to be happy.   We want you to be able to see where you're going, whatever reason matters to you, it matters to us too.   There's only one reason we would kneel down naked in front of a total stranger and endure such pain.  It's because we kinda like you, we really do.   I'm not suppossed to say that, kinda breaks the girl code but we do like you, ok... happy now?

So, we can shave that puppy down, which is good.  The plus side of this technique is that you can do it in the privacy of your own shower, you don't have to plan a trip to the spa, it DOESN'T HURT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER, and you can do it whenever you need to.   24 hour non stop shopping, can't beat that now can you?

Anyone with a logical brain in their head would say:  I don't like things that HURT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER, I don't want to go to the spa, I don't want to spread my yummies out to a total stranger and I wanna do it whenever the hell my razor and me decide we want to, dammit.    Easy peasy, lemon squeezy right?  No so fast there... champ.  Two words: Razor Bumps. 

I mean seriously... I gotta go to the pool, I don't want half of my bush hanging out of my swimsuit.  I'm doing a good deed for all of mankind when I shave my stuff.  I should be rewarded for that, but I'm not.   Life should work that way.  I do something good and I should be rewarded for it right?  Wrongo, sucka.   Your bush is cleared out, which is great.  However, in the place where the bush used to be is now irritating red bumps.  Ya, that's hot. 

Don't email me about products that help this little problem.  There is an awesome shaving lotion for just this issue, but in order to get it I have to go to a sex shop.   Ok, I just want to shave down my cha cha, not see 100 plastic dicks.  Can't I just do that? Nooooooooo

So, we can land a man on the moon, but we don't have a great solution for this little problem.  Why?  I want some answers, dammit!

Sick Stuff

Ok, so in other news... I've been a lot more quiet the past few days because I've had an awful case of spring allergies.  They have kicked my ass in a big way.  I can't sleep, basically I feel like a piece of crap.  Instead of being all whiney, I've been doing things behind the scenes.   So, just because you don't hear from me doesn't mean I'm not up to no good.  Au contraire.  I can't wait to show you some things I've been working on.

Speaking of things I'm working on... Latin Lover is supposed to come back to my home town soon.  Real soon.   So, between coughing up a lung and the red bumps in my nether regions, he's in for a real treat, huh?  Lucky guy.  Ya, must get better, have to get better...

Hope all is great in your world!


The Single Mom


James Marriott said...

"Anyhoo, we ladies want our stuff really nice and clean for you, we really do"

"So, we can shave that puppy down, which is good."

"I'm doing a good deed for all of mankind when I shave my stuff."

And finally we get to:
"I can't wait to show you some things I've been working on."
And based on what you've been working on ^^^^ Neither can we...


DavidRayDog said...

Hilarious as usual. An amusing take on a sensitive subject. Hope you're feeling better.
I'm curious, how do you feel about men "clearing" the area around their parts? Necessary, preferred? My girl and I don't. We've never discussed it either.

DavidRayDog said...

Also, I fully support a woman's choice to use an alternative to a practice that HURTS LIKE A MOFO. Dealing with a few bumps doesn't matter when you're with someone you're passionate for.
And you're right, there should be more & better products available.

singlemom said...

Thank you James, I guess you enjoyed this one? I'm so happy to hear that. I like tackling life's big issues, huh? Thanks for reading. Smooches back.

singlemom said...

Dear David, Thank you for sharing how much you enjoyed this piece. I'm glad it made you smile. You seem like such a sweetheart, I'm sure your girl is a very very lucky woman indeed!

My opinion on manscaping? It helps to clear out the brushes a little, but full on shaving seems a little much. It's definitely not a deal breaker to me, there are bigger issues. Its funny to me that some men I've dated prefer a woman with a little something. It's probably almost 50-50 in my *cough cough* research. Tingly smooches!

bleu said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bleu said...

Raising my hand and clearning my throat with sheepish look on face.

I have a confession, I like a man who shaves his undercarriage area. Even though I have not seen said region in a year, it is rather pleasant ;)

Jenniffer said...

HAHAHA! Love it! I am SO SO SO SO SO glad that someone has said what I've been saying! I'm tired of hurting myself for mediocre sex, grr!! I will of course, take care down there anyway lol. Love your posts Singlemom!

alison said...

I shave against the grain (so to speak) then with the grain, and don't get the red bumps. The secret being (I assume here) that I'm forcing the follicles to lay back down by running my razor back over the skin "with the grain." Give it a try.

Also, a stripper friend of mine also once recommended using stick antiperspirant on the area (again, with the grain) right after drying from the shower--to lay the follicles down the right way and protect the skin. I was in college when I did this, and if memory serves, it works like a charm.

I hope this helps. I don't want you to have to go to a sex shop to buy special shaving lotion (Which, by the way, is nothing more than hair conditioner--wink wink).

Yeah, I'm a seasoned junk-shaver. Sigh. I may not be seeing anyone, and when I do, it's not with any regular frequency, but as mom would say "You never know when you're going to get hit by a bus....or laid." And well? I'm ready for both. ALWAYS.

Jenniffer said...

LMAO! Love it Allison! hahaha *Thumbs up*

Nick said...

Not to be all "Amazon salesman" on ya, but you don't have to go to a sex shop to get that "awesome shaving lotion". I'm relatively sure they have it at Amazon, which saves you the plastic dick harassment of the sex shop. Don't forget to use mah affiliate link! And don't worry, I won't advertise if I see said lotion show up on my report. I have all KINDS of sex stuff show up on my reports every day anyway (due to the nature of my clientele) and I can't tell who buys what, so you're safe. Peace!