Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Breaking News: I'm a Freak

I had an ah ha moment, a revelation,  an epiphany whatever the hell you want to call it.   Are you ready?  Wait for it.  I’m freak.    

I’m sure this is something that you and Captain Obvious have shared a chuckle and a beer about already.   You knew I was a freak from a mile away, this isn’t news to you at all.  You can’t hide your closet o’ freakiness from us, Single Mom.   I know what you’re thinking, I do.
Freak?  Duh, Single Mom.   That’s not the type of freak that I mean today.  Sorry, we’ll get back to the chips, dips and chains and whips soon, I promise.   The freak I mean here is that I’m a little of an emotional freak.  It’s truly hard for me to let someone in, really inside me.   
While this post though is about me, it’s also about YOU and your relationships too.  Ya, you.   Because what I’ve figured out about myself I’m pretty sure isn’t all that unusual.    Well except that ONE freaky thing, but that’s our secret, right?  (wink)
I think I’ve also accidently uncovered a basic human truth and while I’m busy strutting my swag around like a boss, my zipper is down.  So, I’m definitely not as cool as I thought I was.    Truth is I got nothin’ a whole lot of nothin’.
I can read your thoughts right now too. Ok Single Mom, you expect us to believe that you struggle with intimacy when we’ve been skinny dipping with you, we’ve peeked in on your car’s steamy windows and read about you shaving your cha cha.    Sure… you’re so hard to get to know, whatever.  You’re rolling your eyes too, I can see you.   I don’t blame you.
I know, I know it seems like a contradiction.  I get that.  Here’s the thing, I don’t think you and I are all that different.  Each of us at our core has a need to be loved for who we are and yet our fear can take over and we can push people away when they start to get close to us.
Some people have happy marriages or are in estatic relationships and never struggle with them.   I have friends who married their high school sweetheart and have the most blissful marriage imaginable.   Barf.   I get my revenge on them whenever I go to their house.   I go to Chipotle, eat a loaded burrito,  clog up their guest room toilet with my Chipotle poop and touch all the doorknobs before I wash my hands.    When the party is over, I go home to all my kitties and we laugh about it.   It's a shallow victory, but it's all I have.
 I suck at relationships; I’ll be the first to admit that.  For all the thinking, writing and speaking I do about love, truth is I’ve wrecked way more relationship trains than not. 
However, I keep coming back to two basic truths:
-          Men and women want the same things  - Sex and Love (but we go about it differently)
-          We all want to be loved for who we are, who we REALLY are but we are afraid of it
I think I understand men sometimes, I do.  I think I’ve figured you out and just when I buy into this notion that you are all simple, beer guzzling, game watching, skirt chasing neandrathals, you prove me wrong.  Shocking truth coming here: you men have hearts under that stuff.  Sure, I might have to dig through a layers of empty beer bottles, chicken wing bones and filthy schoolgirl porn videos to get to it but you do have souls.  Dammit!
I’m a great mom, I have hoards of great friends, I can make the best crème brulee from scratch, throw a kick ass party and I have other,  (clears throat) mad skillzzzzzz. (wink wink)   Yet, I can’t find and keep love to save my soul.   I want a fun relationship, I want to find someone I connect with and just when I think I’ve figured out how to do just that, my fear kicks in and I sabotage it.
Remember several posts ago, I wrote about key to unlock the secret treasure?   It was to keep things fun and light, not overthink anything.   That was a brilliant plan. I thought I was so smart, so S-M-R-T.   It was a brilliant plan untiI I started to have feelings.    So, I’m not going to waste any more time working on my acceptance speech  for the smartest person on the whole planet award.   I don’t think that’s gonna happen any time soon.
Here’s another shocking revelation for you,  I’m not a nuclear scientist.   Shocking, I know.    Yet the image in my mind of what letting someone close to me is like what I would imagine to happen in a nuclear plant.   Someone is getting close to me…  
code red...  sirens going off... loudspeakers blaring “this is not a drill”... monitors flashing countdown sequences...
My internal alarm system is a lot like that.   Sirens are going off, the alarm company on the phone: “We’ve detected an intruder in sector V”, security camera flashes on to show Sector V.  Well guess what, folks “Sector V” is Sector Vagina.   Your little dirty minds can have fun with that if you want to, but here’s the truth beneath this weird metaphor.    Having sexual intimacy with someone new initiates this meltdown sequence for me.
What Latin Lover does to my junk
Enter into this Single Mom’s life, the sexiest man I’ve ever seen, charming, successful, warm and funny.   We have an amazing connection and I enjoy every second of his company.  He basically lights my junk on fire like no other.    
So, I’m so smart what do I do to charm this beautiful creature?  I do the emotional equivalent of flicking boogers at him.   Go me.
In Single Mom style, the way I avert nuclear meltdown is an odd weapon of choice, my cell phone.    Really lame, I know, I know.    I started feeling close to Latin Lover and pushed him away by being a cranky premenstrual  bitch via text.   Effing brilliant.    I felt myself starting to let him in a little and that scared the hell out of me.   I had to test him and push him away.  It’s a defense mechanism and I’m really mad at myself for doing it.
I didn’t threaten to kill his whole family or cut his man parts off with a rusty pocket knife or anything, but I wasn’t the sweet, sappy Single Mom you know and love.    In a word I’m an immature dumbass.   Oh wait, that’s two words see what a dumbass I am?  I can’t even count.
The profoundly sad truth is that I’ve realized the one thing that I want the most in this whole world is the one thing that scares me the most to have.    
I guess I need to figure out how to let someone close to me.  If I don’t figure it out my future involves spending a lot of time in Crazy Cat Lady town.    Please send me lots of kitty treats - I think I’m gonna need them.
Smooches,
The Single Mom

Monday, June 27, 2011

Ass Kickin's, Douchebags and Just a Few Bad Decisions... How's Your Year Been So Far?


Have you ever been in a theater watching a horror movie and one of the characters did something totally stupid and you said out loud, "Don't go back into the house, moron!"   Well, as my reader, you get to yell at me and say, "Don't go back out with that loser, moron!"    I hear you.  No, really I do and most times I take your advice.  Most times.


This blog is a lot like a reality dating show, yet it's interactive too.  I take advice from you that impacts my choices and the outcome of what happens.  I'm getting better, making less bad decisions and I'm seeing a lot of the mistakes I made in the past with a whole new clarity.


I picture you in front of your computer reading the most recent post either with your palm on your forehead or yelling at me, "NOOOOOO what are you doing?"   I also know you cheer me on when things go well.  Your emails and comments let me know you're in my corner.  I so appreciate that.


As I'm sitting here at my desk looking back at the past six months and my New Year's Resoloutions (aka Dares) for 2011, so much has happened. The confetti has long been vacuumed, the decorations long since stowed away and the weather is completely opposite of what it was six months ago.   The blog's growth in six months is staggering and I'm overwhelmed by the love I've received from you.   What a difference six months can make, huh?


Readers of this blog are smart people.  Obviously, this isn't a how to blog on brain surgery and it isn't meant to be,   It's a guilty pleasure, a fun break in your day.   Even if you're not a single parent or not dating, you care about what happens next.   You don't want me to go back out with that douche who is only going to break my heart (see, I read your emails)  Truth is, even if you aren't in my same exact shoes, you can relate about your relationships and your struggles to make good choices. 


The point of today's post is a mid-year check.  I blogged about my 2011 resolutions for all of you to see.  Some I've nailed, others not so much.   Today, I want you to pause alongside me and think about your year so far.  What were you thinking about when corks were popping in January compared to now?   Have you been getting closer to the person you want to be, to your dreams, are you a better version of yourself now compared to six months ago? 


Writing has helped me tremendously and I can tell you the path of the blog isn't following my exact editorial plan.  Here's the deal about what I'm trying to do.  Sure, the outer layer is my dating train wreck.   Underneath, hopefully you see the woman I am, the woman I'm trying to become and this blog has become a journey about finding myself, not finding a man.  Deep stuff huh?


I planned the blog would be me being me, making an ass out of myself.   I'm the one on a date with the hottest guy, walking out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to my sexy red high heels.  Ya, that's me.    You love my stories like that because they are real, but you also ask for serious advice and you want to know about my family too.  So, I've written about those things also.


If you've read most of my posts, you've felt me laugh, cry, experience joy and make a few bad decisions.   Guess what?   Love, betrayal, disappointment and heartbreak are universal.  Hopefully, that's the part that you relate to.   Time after time when I pick my kicked ass up off the mat, you're rooting that I'll stay on my feet, THIS TIME.


I digress, but often these past years of dating, I've asked myself, why me?  Why can't I find and keep love?  When I first became single again,  I imagined I'd do some dating and then find a serious relationship.   I've had my share of 4 and 5 month relationships, but that's about it.   I never dreamt it would have been like this.


Before you go feeling sorry for me and setting me up with your crazy uncle Larry as my last hope, I see a silver lining in all this.  Being able to write about the pileup of douchebags I've left behind, I'm able to connect with you and even help you.  (Yes I see the irony of this.)  I'm grateful for every broken heart along the way, because each one of them brought me to this place.


Truth be told, I'm obsessed with this blog and all the different possibilities that could happen from it.  I want it to be a voice for single parents and also a real dialogue about dating/relationships.  Probably the ultimate irony is that there are so many things going on for me that it's making dating a challenge right now.   At least in the short term, anyway.


Thank you so much for being fans of the blog, I can tell you that so many exciting things are happening, beyond my wildest dreams.    All of this is because of you, each email you've sent, each comment of encouragement has helped me so much.  You cannot even begin to know.
 
I can definitely say I'm making better decisions than I had in the past.  Some of it is accountability to you and some of it is because of writing about it helps me see things I might have overlooked.   Things haven't been resolved with Latin Lover and me.  I'm not sure if there is a future between us, but I'm not betting the farm either.  I do know that I won't be with anyone who isn't going to be good for me; that much I have done a lot better at seeing.  For today, don't call your crazy uncle Larry yet...


Here's my original list of resolutions and yes/no if I've nailed them.


- only date (and sleep with) men who deserve my time  Yes
- try speed dating and other new dating methods  No
- redecorate my bedroom to make it sexier  Yes, kinda
- always put "Hos" (girlfriends) before "Bros"  Yes
- take a new sexy class each season No
- approach hot guys with reckless abandon No
- treat men exactly how they treat me Yes
- have a fabulous party No
- be the best version of me with or without a man Yes
- don't let a man define me Yes!
- create a badass blog and write regularly about my funny dating escapades Hell yessssss!!!


Thanks for all your support!!

Smooches

The Single Mom

Friday, June 24, 2011

101 Dating tips from The Single Mom (Or how to NOT make an ass of yourself like I did.)


I didn’t really plan on giving out dating advice because hey, I kinda suck at relationships, in case you haven’t noticed.  However, I get a lot of emails asking for advice, so I thought I’d share what I’ve learned, most of it the hard way.    Since I get so many questions about this, I’ll write more about it regularly.   Feel free to send me your questions at thesinglemomsdatingdiary@gmail.com and I’ll answer them and keep it confidential too.
This post is about just the basics and I’ll go on from here in the future, but this is a good starting point. 

General dating advice
Make a list
Write down and prioritize the traits you seek in a potential mate.  (Do this before you are smitten with someone.)   Be honest with yourself about traits that are very important to you and those traits that would be great but they aren’t dealbreakers.   For example my list for traits I wanted in a man were: good father (if relevant), basic moral beliefs, warm, funny, social, smart.. etc.. 
It’s a good idea then when you meet someone you really like to pull out the list and compare your date to your list.  Does your date match up to most of the things on your list or just a few?  Be objective and this will help you take off the “rose colored glasses”.

Date outside your “type”
Go out with people outside of your “type”.   This was especially helpful for me because I was perpetually attracted to “bad boy” types.    Once I expanded the type of man I went out with, it opened up other possibilities and overall my relationships were much better.  It was a good decision for many reasons.   
This could mean the type of background, profession, education that they are.  Sometimes breaking out of a dating rut starts with you and the choices you make either intentionally or unintentionally.   
Here’s a caveat, if he’s a cheese in a can guy and you’re only a brie and chardonnay girl, that might be too drastic of a difference, but hopefully you get the idea.

Be honest with yourself and what you’re looking for
If you are looking for a casual dating situation and NOT a relationship, be honest with yourself and the other person.   It probably won’t work out and it could end up hurting you or someone else.   Don’t try to talk yourself into it just because you’re attracted to someone.    You are only asking for a major train wreck, save yourself the heartache.


Online Dating
Your profile is important! (duh)
(Most of this stuff seems so obvious, but you’d be surprised what I’ve seen.)
Your profile is a huge topic that I will probably cover more in the future, however for today here’s a basic summary.      To boil it down very simply, your profile should be positive and should reflect you in the best possible light.   
I've seriously seen profile pictures where the dude looked like he just murdered his entire family; the icing on the cake was that it was labeled “Christmas 2010”.   He could be the most charming, lovable man on the planet but I just couldn’t get past his picture.
Be positive and stay away from language like “no games, cheaters, liars”.   This immediately gives an impression that you are bitter.  Obviously no one is looking for a cheater or a liar, duh... Captain Obvious.
Your profile picture is the most important part, in my opinion especially if you are a woman.   From talking to men, they tell me they mostly just look at the picture, if they like it only scan the words on the profile, if that.   
I definitely recommend having a variety of pictures and looks.  Your pictures should obviously resemble you now, not 25 years ago AND not 25 pounds ago.    It’s definitely not a good surprise to be drastically different than what the person is expecting.  Even though looks aren’t everything, they can’t be dismissed altogether.  This happened to me once, I liked the person before I met him, but I felt like I couldn’t trust him after he misrepresented himself so much. 
Hope this helps and I look forward to hearing your questions.   Now go out there and go on a date, I can't be the only one getting my ass kicked! 

Smooches,
The Single Mom

There's some exciting things happening for your favorite Single Mom... look for some deets soon and thank you so much for reading!  Incredible things are happening! 

Thursday, June 23, 2011

A Sneak Peek at The Single Mom




Hello, Dear Reader.   I was working on a post for today about general dating advice.  I apologize, but it kept getting bigger and bigger.  It's not finished and I don't want to publish it yet.  So, instead I thought I'd give you just a little peek at the real me.  I know it's just a tease but it's a little something to help you visualize me.

I'll see you here tomorrow, ok?

Smooches!

The Single Mom

Monday, June 20, 2011

What's Been Happening in My Love Life or Not Happening... Latin Lover Update and More

Sad News for The Single Mom


So, on the last episode of "The Single Mom's Love Life" she had a steamy evening with her new sexy Latin Lover beau, sending him off for a two week vacation to visit family on the west coast.  The evening was perfect and The Single Mom was walking on a cloud for several days after, daydreaming of his kisses, his touch, and well, more *cough cough*. 

The Single Mom was vowing to be more relaxed about following where this relationship goes, not to overthink it and not to be demanding.  Well, there's a difference in not being demanding and being flat out stupid.   I only heard from him once very late in his trip.  To his defense, he said they did go to Mexico, which I'm sure made it more difficult to keep in touch.  However, he was on the dating site every couple of days or so and could have emailed me.  So, I've decided at this point to let it go and say goodbye to him.

Am I heartbroken?   Yes, definitely.   I had a lot of hope about him and where it could go.   I clearly hadn't let myself fall for him but it would have been so easy to.   I'm not sure how I feel about dating right at the moment.  I might need some breathing space, I'll just have to see what happens.  I wish I could put a happy spin on this and use the old when one door opens thing, but truth is, I'm not able to throw a coat of sugar on top of this, yet. 
 


In other news:

If you don't see posts from me every day, I'm splitting up my time working on a book.  It's a really steamy and funny read.  I know you'll love it, so bear with me.


Thanks for reading and I appreciate all your support. 

Smooches,

The Single Mom

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Happy Fathers Day!!!


Big smooches to all the dads out there for all you do, Happy Father's Day!    Extra sloppy smooches to all the single dads who do so much for their children.  Being a good dad is incredibly important, so thank you to all those dads who give so much of themselves every day to their kids.  I hope you are surrounded by love and spoiled rotten today! 


He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.  ~Clarence Budington Kelland

Friday, June 17, 2011

Who is The Single Mom??? It's a SECRET! But Why???


What’s your name?
Anonymous
Where you at?
Anonymous
When I think of you I get a rush
I wanna meet my Ms. Anonymous

I always get asked why I don’t write under my true name and tell where I live.   Other bloggers do it and seemingly don’t have issues and yet I’ve made this choice.  I’d really like for you to see what I really look like, I’m not a troll or anything so it’s not that at all.
For me the biggest reason and it’s probably obvious is that I write openly about sex and I have children.  I’d like to protect my kids, who are teens from being teased about their mom’s stuff or being freaky or whatever.   I think this has Captain Obvious written all over it.   Duh.
The second reason is it could affect my dates either in a positive or negative way.   I wrestle all the time if I should tell a person I’m dating that I might write about them.  It varies on a case by case basis.    Really, it can affect them in a negative way and discourage them if they didn’t want to be written about.  It could have the complete opposite affect and they could want to be written about and stick around in my life longer. 
Honestly, writing about someone I’m dating and knowing that they read can change what I want to say.    I constantly wrestle with the ethics of writing about someone versus writing interesting content.   I always lean on the side of representing someone fairly, almost to a fault.   I just tell it like it is.    Being anonymous helps protect the people I date also.
Very few friends know about what I do, it’s something I guard very closely, almost to a fault.   Of the ones who do know, often they ask if I’ve written about them.   It always strikes me funny when people ask me that who live the married suburban (yawn) life.   I just want to say “Ya I write about your pork chops and your sassy red minivan all the time, who wouldn’t?”
I’ve connected with so many readers in a very personal way and I thank you for sharing yourselves with me.    As I’ve written in the past, of my "real life" friends who do know very few read me or even are supporters of me doing this.  I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t bother me a lot because it really does.  However, I want you to know that I’ve grown close to many of you, hopefully more in the future.  Ironically, you don’t know what I look like and yet we are very intimate.   I thank you for sharing yourselves so generously with me.
I know sometimes it can be frustrating because you WANT to know what I look like and yet one of the strongest reasons I don’t reveal myself is so that I can keep being “undercover” and bring you more interesting posts.   
There is a little bit of good news if you’re curious… I do have a picture that I’m getting ready to release that shows a glimpse of me.  If you want to see it, send me (to: thesinglemomsdatingdiary@gmail.com) your email address and I’ll mail it to you first, ok?    Smooches!!

Why you gotta be anonymous?
Baby I want you so much
Wanna hold, wanna feel your touch
Come fast girl I’m in a rush
Why you gotta be anonymous?
I wanna know, I gotta know
Your name, your name, your name
Why you gotta be anonymous?

Anonymous, Bobby Valentino



Smooches,
The Single Mom

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Top Ten Hot Summer Dates


Summer is the perfect time for romance and fun.  Plan one of these fun dates and pack some extra energy and heat into your love life.

  1. Catch an old fashioned drive-in movie.  Pack the car with cold drinks and snacks and watch a great flick.  Don't have a drive-in theater?   Easy - charge up your laptop, grab a movie and make your own. 
  2. Rent some bikes and explore a new area on two wheels.  Pack a picnic and stop for lunch along the way.
  3. Go mini-golfing and stop for ice cream after.  It's a great way to have some friendly competition and do something playful together.
  4. On a hot or rainy day, head to a museum to escape the weather.  Go to an exhibit or show that you've been meaning to see.  It's a great way to inject some creativity into your soul and to your relationship.
  5. Have a cookout!  Grill out together and enjoy the outdoors.
  6. Get wet!  Go boating, canoeing or white water rafting. 
  7. Boom boom POW!  Watch a fireworks display together and watch the sparks fly ;)
  8. Go pick berries.  Find a local strawberry farm, pick some strawberries and head home to make a treat with your harvest, yum!
  9. Enjoy a state fair or festival.  Ride the rides, win a stuffed animal and eat some local specialties.
  10. Take a hike!  Pack up some gear and go explore nature together.
Enjoy your summer and hope all of your dates are HOT! 

Smooches,

The Single Mom

Monday, June 13, 2011

Giving Children Roots and Wings

It’s been a week since my son graduated and I’m finally able to write about it.   I cried so much at the ceremony that I made a scene.   I was fine until they called his name and then I lost it.
They called his full name, his given name the same one written on his hospital bassinet, and spoken together very rarely.   I only used all three of them when he was in real deep doo doo.   (It’s a mother’s trick, in the secret handbook you know.  You only use the middle name when they are in real trouble.)  But for some reason, hearing them all together and seeing him get his diploma broke me up.
The past 6 years as a single mom have been the hardest years of my life.   They’ve kicked me in the junk more than I ever imagined.  So, you’d think the idea of graduation would make me feel more relieved than distraught.  You’d think that.    Yet I bawled like a baby so much so I had to cover my face.   He’s a great kid and I know I couldn’t have made it through these years without him. 
My son, my ex and I pose for photos… all of us smiling, me through tears.   My ex as usual gets to show up, jump into the photos just the same as me.  He didn’t have to iron my son’s shirt or even buy it for that matter, didn’t have to help pick out the perfect tie or to dig out the dress shoes out of the closet.    He gets to show up with his girlfriend and pose in the pictures just the same as me.
I watched my son accept his diploma with a lot of pride and although this has been incredibly hard on me, I’ve raised him the past several years without a whole lot of help.  Dammit, I’m proud of that and I’m grateful I had the chance to be his mom.  I wouldn’t trade the toll it’s taken on me for the regret my ex will undoubtedly feel in the future.  I was there, I did a good job and made a boatload of sacrifices. 
Of course the natural reaction is to turn to my youngest son and baby him.  Yet, he’s starting to be Mr. Independent right this moment.   He wants to learn to cook his own lunch, for example.  There’s a natural urge I constantly fight to grab the box out of his hand, make it for him and keep him as my little boy.  But I can’t and I know it.   I didn’t say I liked it, I just know that I can’t do that.
It was a welcome treat through this independence phase when last night he had a nightmare and crawled into bed with me.   I think I needed it more than he did. 
Smooches,
The Single Mom

Good parents give their children roots and wings.  ~Jonas Salk

Friday, June 10, 2011

Secret(s) to a Happy Relationship

Do you remember the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indiana Jones finally finds the treasure and puts in the stone?  The stone was the final missing piece that unlocks the treasure.   The entire movie he battled bad guys and snakes to find the piece that mysteriously unlocked the ancient treasure.
I feel like I’ve found a missing piece to make my relationships work.  My path the past few years feels a little akin to our hero, Mr. Jones.  I’ve battled snakes and bad guys of my own on this long quest for love.   Every “bad guy” who has crossed my path, fortunately has taught me a lesson.    I’m not going to sugarcoat it and say it’s all sunny because that’s not true.  The road was paved with a lot of heartbreak and pain.  Literal pain.  I don’t get too heavy in my blog, but I want you to know that I’ve been beaten up, stolen from, cheated on and worse.    I only share this because if you are currently struggling with abuse, I want you to have hope and strength to make a change.
What makes me qualified to give relationship advice?   Let’s see, zero PhD’s on my wall, I haven’t written any Mars /Venus books, or been on Dr. Phil spewing my wisdom.  In fact, I have one failed marriage and 6 years of relationship pileups.  Ya, I’d say I have a crappy relationship track record.  However, what I do have is a lot of lessons learned through trial and error.  That’s what sets me apart, a whole mess of wrecked trains all over the place.   Yet each one came with a lesson, eventually I started learning from them, doh!  
This isn’t just relationship advice, because it although it is It’s also more.  (But wait there’s more… feels like a Shamwow commercial, huh?)   It’s simple really and that’s what exactly makes it so profound, its simplicity. 
What I think I have uncovered is a real treasure, magic beans, something that I think could really help a lot of women.    Ok, so men skip down (5 ) paragraphs, this is just for the ladies.  We are gonna talk nasty period stuff, menstruation so…  nothing to see here…    Ok ladies, that works every time, it’s just us.  Huddle up and take a knee.     This isn’t a sex tip or a beauty secret or how to look 10 lbs. thinner, yet I think it’s more key to your relationship than any of those things.
This is it, and it’s really simple.  Make your relationship with him fun and playful.   Especially in the beginning, don’t ask a lot of “down the road” questions.    It’s ok to gently lay a foundation about what you’re looking for but not necessarily throw out a lot of ultimatums and definitely no finger shaking.   Let the rest take care of itself, at least for a little while.    Be his “soft place to land” at the end of the day.
This is exactly what I’m trying to do, is just to keep it fun, keep it light, definitely talk about deep stuff, but not even THINK about china patterns and shared mortgages.   I want to have fun, tickle, play, and have pillow fights.  Eventually, the days add up to weeks and years and the future takes care of itself.   Is this realistic?  Not exactly, there will always be reality, loss, sadness and trials.  It’s a given of life, no doubt. 
If I overthink things and ask “Where are things going”, they won’t.   He’ll cross his arms, get defensive and retreat.  If it’s fun, the chances are so much better of it working out.  Is it a guarantee?  Hell NO.   But, I truly believe the chances are better.
Do you remember your first boy playmate?   Maybe you played doctor, maybe you cut each other’s hair or he taught you how to grip the laces when you throw a football.   It didn’t matter that he was a boy, he was fun and you were yourself, but a different version of yourself than with your girlfriends.   Be that playmate with your lover, your boyfriend, your husband.    At the core of each of our adult selves is a child, curious and wanting to happily skip rocks and cause just a little bit of trouble.    I’m not writing this to have you create a man centered world.  I’m saying this because no doubt the happiness you give will be returned to you in many ways.    
Here’s a dose of reality, you are going to have a boss who's an ass, the car is going to need a repair when you don’t have the money and the kids are going to get sick.  It’s reality, unfortunately.     Your relationships, as much as possible should be your safe harbor from all that, your retreat.    
You don’t have to spend a lot of money just send a surprise flirty text, build a fort in the family room and watch a movie or get a bottle of wine and candles and have a romantic night in the backyard.    This is the stuff of life, my friends.    It isn’t the exotic vacation or the dinner at the 5 star restaurant;  it’s the simple pleasures in life.  If you appreciate them, it will make him happier.  Ultimately, he wants to make you happy.    Cough, cough…  so ladies that’s what you need to know to have better menstrual cycles.   ;)
Ok, men thanks for coming back..
I’ve ruined many relationships by overthinking them, looking into the future, paging through bridal magazines after a few months.  Looking back, I feel foolish and also relieved that I didn’t don a white lace dress and make promises to any of the men in my past.  Whew!  However, I’m open to the idea of it, someday.
I received one of the most incredibly rewarding comments yesterday about my blog.  It always makes me happy when I’ve made you laugh, smile or given you a sexy glimpse of my boom-chicka-wa-wa.   But yesterday’s comment struck a deeper chord with me.   Someone wrote me thanking me for inspiring them to make a change in their relationship.    After reading my blog, it made them realize that settling for less than what they deserved wasn’t going to work for them anymore.
Was it a single mom?  No.
Was it a single dad?  Nope
It was a single, never married man in an unhappy long distance relationship.

In my writing, I make a point to give advice indirectly.  God knows I’ve made every mistake, some of them twice.  However, today I’m going to give advice directly and simply.  These are the three main things I’ve learned through my dating life.

1.       Create fun relationships, as much as possible
2.       Know your own worth and don’t settle for someone who doesn’t treat    you accordingly.  Don’t let ANYONE depreciate you.
3.       If a relationship is 80% happy, stick it out and work on the 20% that isn’t.

Have a wonderful, playful weekend!

Smooches,
The Single Mom

If you want to be loved, be lovable.  Ovid

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Reader of the Month - May 2011

Motorcycles, Nascar and The Single Mom's Dating Diary, huh?  How do these things fit together? 

It started with a simple conversation on Twitter one morning and has ended up being a friendship.  Alan has been reading The Single Mom's Dating Diary for a few months and has been in my corner rooting for me ever since.   He is a loyal reader and always has a comment or even advice after reading.  

I was recently nominated for a blog award and the general public could vote multiple times.  Alan faithfully voted for the blog every single day.   He wrote himself a note next to his computer to remind him.  Being a new blog, this kind of grassroots support is my lifeblood and I'm so grateful for it.

Alan was a single dad for several years and although he's happily married now and a grandfather, he can relate to the single parent lifestyle.   Reading the blog makes him laugh and brings back a lot of memories of trying to keep it all together.    He lives in Pembroke Pines, Florida and enjoys riding his motorcycle, Nascar and reading The Single Mom's Dating Diary.   I'm so grateful for his support and friendship, thank you Alan.   Thank you to all my readers, your support means the world to me! 

Smooches!

The Single Mom

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

A Sexy Second Date with "Latin Lover"

When his text came in I was really surprised.  It said, “Do you want to come up tonight?” 

I knew that “Latin Lover” was going on vacation to visit his family for two weeks in the morning and this would be the last time to see him for a while.   Fortunately, both of my kids had plans and were gone and there was really no reason I couldn’t go.  Since our first date we tried several times to get together and it just didn’t work out.
I think I surprised myself when I texted him back that I would come up.  Was I really going to do this?   The drive to his town, “Latin Lover Land” (we will call it) is two hours away.  I’ve been there many times, unfortunately many bad memories in that city, but that was in the past.    He was in an offsite meeting at a hotel in a busy, upscale shopping district.  I knew exactly the hotel he meant, it was a gorgeous colonial hotel that I’d always wanted to see.
The two weeks that passed after our first date have been spent texting and emailing the tone has been very flirty and picking up where our first date left off.   On our first date, we got a little carried away, thanks in part to Mr. Cuervo (Jose Cuervo) and the intense attraction we felt for each other.  I wouldn’t say I exactly regretted it but I hoped it didn’t harm the chances of something long term happening.
I spent the next few hours primping, obsessing about what to wear and picturing what tonight would be like.  Honestly, I was really nervous, no extremely nervous.  I’m not exactly sure why I was, but I really was.  I really didn’t have a reason to be, we were attracted to each other, had a lot to talk about and basically he’s a good man.  I suppose I was nervous because this date was a step forward.  I wanted to take this step, but I was scared to at the same time. 
It was an incredibly hot and humid day and choosing something to wear was difficult.   I wanted to be dressed nicely but not too stuffy.    I also didn’t want to look too casual or slutty because conceivably there was a possibility of running into one of his colleagues.
I decided to wear a skirt but tried on 4 different ones, and about four different blouses for each one before I made my final choice.   I opted for a romantic look since our first date I dressed really sexy.   So this time, I wore a feminine, lavender blouse with ruffles that really highlights my blue eyes.  It also accentuates my tan skin and shows enough cleavage without being too much.   I chose a black knee length skirt that has a lot of movement, and wore black high heels to finish the outfit. 
Let’s just say my razor and I spent a lot of quality time together and I did an intensive moisturizing regimen so my skin would be baby soft.  I curled my hair and carefully put on makeup.   In short, I spent more time getting ready for this date than any event I can remember in a very long time. 
When I got in my car to begin the two hour drive, I texted him telling him I was on my way.  I still couldn’t believe it and I’m pretty sure he couldn’t either.   He texted back that he was excited and it helped make my nerves subside a little, just a little. 
The two hour drive was essentially a two hour daydream, a checklist of what to talk about, replaying memories of our first date, remembering his kisses and trying to explain to myself that I was really doing this. 
As I was approaching the city, I made a wrong turn switching expressways and had to take an exit and ask for directions.  As I pulled over, he texted me telling me that his meeting was running 30 minutes late.   It was perfect because now I had time to get there without holding him up, which was a relief.
The drive went fast and before I knew it I was at the hotel looking for a spot, nervous but excited to see him.  I found my way to the lobby bar, the pianist was playing “Mandy” by Barry Manilow, for some reason it made me chuckle.  I sat down, crossed my legs and checked emails while I waited for him.  Several minutes later he appeared looking extremely handsome in grey trousers and a long sleeved dress shirt.   He leaned down and gave me a long, passionate kiss that made me melt. 
He suggested we move to the sports bar around the corner, get some drinks and get more comfortable.   We sat down at the bar and ordered chilled shots of Patron, appetizers and caught up on the past couple of weeks.   He was drained from the long meeting and looking forward to his vacation.  It was time for him to relax and put the day behind him.    I could see the stress leave his face and his posture soften.
As we were talking we both were smiling from ear to ear, both of us obviously so happy to see each other.  We talked for a few minutes then took a break to kiss, a pattern that we repeated several times.
As he kissed me, his hands ran up and down my silky, bare legs.     My hands rubbed his thighs and the passion between us was obvious, perhaps bordering obnoxious.   In fact, although we had privacy where we were sitting, an employee of the hotel kept walking around us seemingly checking that we weren’t getting too out of control.  We just giggled at her little spying missions like two busted schoolchildren.
We talked about our mutual religion, Catholic.  We hadn’t discussed it before and he didn’t know we had this in common.  We talked about how we felt about it and how we’d experienced judgement about being divorced.    Our conversation touched on our kids, families, my blog, sports and how sexy our first date was.   

We laughed about how public our affection was on our first date and how much we wanted each other.   He also talked about how pleasantly surprised he was that I came up tonight and how excited he was when I said I would.    He also talked about when (NOT if) I come back and the places we could go and the things we could do.
He kissed my fingers, arms, the inside of my elbow and the exposed skin where my blouse ended as he whispered “Mmmm”  and “You make me crazy”.  His face was so close to my breasts and I know he wanted to kiss them but we had an audience.    He inhaled a deep breath and his mouth again found mine in another long, hot kiss as his hands were traveling up my skirt, thighs and now on my bare ass.
We were both turned on by the feeling of his hands on my bare skin, sharing in a secret just between us.   The sexual tension between us was building and we both stared into each other’s eyes sharing in our private moment.
I don’t remember ever being this swept away by a man before not just physical attraction, but also his charm and intelligence.    I’m pretty sure that even if we didn’t kiss or touch that it would be impossible to hide our attraction for each other.  It would be obvious in the way that we look at each other, how long we hold eye contact and the naughty smirks we exchange.
The night was flying by and his flight left in just a few hours.  He had to go home and get a few hours of sleep before heading to the airport.  It really didn’t make sense for me to go to his place because I’m sure we wouldn’t get any sleep, so I decided I should drive home.  
We paid our tab and snuck off to find a private place.  We hopped into the first elevator and as soon as the doors closed, pounced on each other until the doors opened again.   He pulled me into the stairwell and we took advantage of the privacy.  

Under the bright lights and the hot stale air in the stairway, our hands and mouths explored each other as sweat formed on our brows.   The time apart and the flirty conversation we just shared made us so hungry for each other.   Although the stairwell was private, someone could have walked in on us which only made it hotter.  We spent about 20 minutes exploring each other with our hands and mouths in the hot stairwell.   We then made a quick exit back into the summer's night like nothing happened, giggling about our secret passionate moment.

Although extremely hot, our dates have been a tease of what it will be like to actually be together for an entire evening.  We haven’t been able to have a full dinner of “Filet Mignon” yet, I know when we finally do it will be an explosive, marathon session.    I think this is going to be one steamy, hot summer and I know I could so easily fall head over heels for this incredible man.
Smooches,
The Single Mom

Monday, June 6, 2011

Life is Short, Break the Rules (sometimes)

A hot summer’s night of passion, a perfect first date, off the charts chemistry and meaningful conversation...
Life doesn’t often give us moments like this.   More frequent are moments like balancing the checkbook, cranky kids, fighting with the ex, being sick and sitting in traffic.   Savoring the good stuff of life, the moments of bliss, passion and joy are the memories that get us through the Monday staff meeting, the broken dryer, or the unexpected car repair.   
I’m trying to live my life more in the moment, enjoy life’s gifts like this and to make myself look at the sunny side.  To be honest, life has kicked my ass and sometimes it’s hard to put on the rose colored glasses.  I’ve had to make a lot of sacrifices but have promised myself that I’d enjoy the simple pleasures along the way.     
Ultimately, I want to find love, but following all the rules hadn’t made that happen, it was time to take a detour.
“Latin Lover” was that detour.  Will I ever see him again?  I’m not totally sure but I’d say probably.  We are still in contact, not necessarily every day but still talking.  He invited me to his house last weekend.   Unfortunately, I couldn’t go because I had family coming into town.   It’s very unlike me, but I’m trying to just see where it goes with him and enjoy whatever happens. 
I’ve said before that once I like someone, I don’t have game anymore.  I text too much, I text first, I get into my own head too much.  For some reason, I’m not doing that.  I do like him a lot.  I could really fall for him but I’m hanging back.    I know from talking to him that this would be the worst thing to do, he does need some space.   
I know for a fact if I would have asked him some of the usual questions I ask before a date that we probably wouldn’t have gone out.  I just followed my gut for once and decided to meet him for a drink.    We had great conversation and I enjoyed every minute of his company.   He is a sweetheart and an extremely romantic man.  If I would have followed the rules, I never would have met him.     It was one of the best dates I’ve been on in a long time and I almost talked myself out of going – because it wasn’t practical, because he lives far away, because he is so good looking.   I'm so glad I did because I would have missed out on meeting a wonderful man.
Last week, I became really sick with a major sinus infection.  It was the worst one I’ve ever had, one of my eyes was swollen shut and I was miserable.  I apologize for not being able to write posts, and I thank you for all the well wishes.  I honestly haven’t been that sick in a very long time.
But being sick reinforced to me how important it is to take advantage of simple pleasures while you can.  Summer is the perfect time to do just that.   I hope you take a minute to play in the hose with the kids, to make a wish on a fluffy dandelion, go skinnydipping, walk barefoot in the grass or lie on your back and look at puffy clouds.
 Thanks for reading!
Smooches,
The Single Mom


Life is short,
Break the rules,
Forgive quickly,
Kiss slowly,
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably,
And never regret anything that made you smile."