Saturday, July 30, 2011

Single Mom's Dating Tales

This is a tale of a past relationship:  My kids don't like who I'm dating.   Check it out!

http://blog.badonlinedates.com/date-stories-jens-blog/2011/07/tuesday%e2%80%99s-topic-my-kids-dislike-who-im-dating.html


Smooches,

The Single Mom

Friday, July 29, 2011

A Romance with a Reader? (part 2: The First Phone Call)


I took a deep breath and called his number.  I dialed and was a little taken aback when he picked up on the first ring.  He said hello in a cheery voice, he sounded totally different than I imagined.   I also picked up from his voice inflections how sensitive and caring of a person he is.    In the first minute of the call, I introduced myself to him.  The entire time we’ve messaged online, (almost two months now) I hadn’t told him my real name or where I live in relation to him.    I’ve seen pictures of him, but he’s only seen my cartoon drawing and he had no idea where I live or my name until just now.
He thought my name was beautiful and my voice was sexy.    I was appreciative but sure that I sounded like an idiot.  The normal me is so confident and always dealing with my issues on my own.  Calling someone in the middle of the night, crying was so uncharacteristic of me.  I’m always strong, don’t break too often at all... well this breakdown was a doozie.    
I didn’t want to talk about the reason I was so upset so we talked about everything else.    He started off saying thank you and how much he appreciated my trust in him.  He knew how guarded I am about my anonymity and it meant a lot to him that I had faith in him.   
He asked me questions about me and my kids, where we live.  I wanted to know about his family and the city he called home.  We talked about our friendship and he opened up that his feelings for me went further than friendship.  Hearing this was a little surprising and I didn’t want to minimize how he felt, but it was hard to understand how he could be so sure.    He’s never seen my face and this was the first time he had heard my voice.   He reassured me that his feelings were real and it was such a rush to finally hear my voice.
He explained that he had grown close to me through my words and so many of them struck a chord with him.  He wanted the same things as I did, to have passion and love again.   He was attracted to my sense of humor on the blog and Twitter and how I was always optimistic through my challenges.    I asked him when he realized that his feelings were more than just the friendship that we cultivated.  He told me that he felt pangs of jealousy after he read a post about my feelings for Latin Lover. Those feelings were surprising to him even and he tried to dismiss them but couldn’t.   He resolved then to hang back and see how the relationship with Latin Lover would resolve, until then he was going to keep in touch every day.                 
He told me how as time passed he thought of me every morning when he woke up, so he wanted to send me those good morning messages.  He also didn’t want to go to sleep without saying good night to me every single night.  As he was saying these words he got a little choked up as the emotion hit him.    This moment was when it all started feeling real and it made me realize his feelings were authentic. 
I told him that I felt close to him but the distance scared me.   I didn’t know what I could feel but I’d be open to it if he wanted me to.  It was only fair in this moment to be honest with him about my feelings for Latin Lover.   Things were still dangling a little and I know I for one I wasn’t sure it was over.   His reaction was so genuine and expressed a lot of gratitude.  He just told me to take my time and he wasn’t going anywhere.  I could tell how honest and sincere he was about his feelings. 
We both were exhausted, happened to check the time and were shocked that we had been on the phone for 2 and a half hours.  We said quick but heartfelt goodbyes and promised to talk again soon.

Smooches,

The Single Mom

Coming soon:  Would  we talk again soon?  What about Latin Lover?   What does my reader say when he sees my face?

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

A Romance with a Reader?


It was a normal weekday morning in May, answering emails, checking Facebook and Twitter through bleary eyes and between sips of coffee. My normal routine is to send good morning messages first thing on both sites.

Usually, every morning conversations on Twitter happen and I find myself chit chatting with several people. This morning was extremely typical. A flurry of conversations ensued, someone new sent me a tweet, introduced himself and we started having a little twitter conversation of our own. It was playful, fun and a little flirty, just a little. He lived up east and we had a fun banter. It was harmless fun and since he lived so far away, I didn’t take it seriously.  It was a typical morning on Twitter, several simultaneous chats, somehow this one naturally trailed off as they have a way of doing.

The next morning it was a pleasant surprise to hear from him again. We began chatting again, picking up where we left off. The conversation went longer that morning and it was a lot of fun.

This was the start of our friendship and we talked like this most mornings or at random times throughout the day. If I posted a new blog post, he’d read it and we’d chat about it. He picked up reading the blog about when I had my first date with Latin Lover and read the previous posts too. This is pretty typical, I usually get feedback from readers and I love hearing from them so immediately.

He enjoyed the post about Latin Lover and how sexy it was. After our first initial chats we ended up messaging each other privately, sharing a little more about our personal lives. I asked him a couple of questions from a guy’s perspective on things with Latin Lover, sometimes asking for advice on what to do, how to move forward, interpreting his signals, things like that. He was great about offering the guy’s perspective and I appreciated being able to pick his brain.

Over the next couple of weeks, we started becoming friends. He knew so much about me because he read the blog and we started to send each other messages about our personal lives. Eventually, he started sending me messages on weekends because I’m active on my Twitter and Facebook pages over the weekends too.

We were becoming close and shared a lot. There were times that we happened to be watching the same sporting events and I can remember one time when he gushed, I don’t mean to scare you when I say this, but you sound like a perfect woman. I laughed about it and thought it was sweet. I never considered meeting him face to face, but it made me smile.

The conversation about meeting came up a lot in a joking way. He used to quip that when I did my book tour, I’d have to plan a stop in his city so I could meet him. It just seemed like a harmless little fantasy and I didn’t take it seriously. I enjoyed talking with him and he seemed to care about me. Our lives are extremely different, my life revolves around my children and he’d never had children. He has a lot of hobbies and is well read. These days, I’m lucky to finish a blog post or a cereal box. Basically, if it’s more than 140 characters, I haven’t read it.

He also shared with me that reading my blog helped him in a profound way. It showed him how much he missed having passion and romance in his life and he resolved to find that again in his life. Hearing this touched me and I thanked him for sharing such a personal epiphany with me.

Through writing the blog and interacting with readers has made me have a revelation of my own, I now see the walls I have built. Before your input I used to just think the relationship pileup I’d racked up was the fault of the men I’d dated. While some of this can be true, most of it is because of my own issues about keeping people away. I’m surrounded by a large group of friends who care about me so much. Yet, I don’t talk to any one of them every single day.  Eventually, it occurred to me that I talk to this man I met on Twitter every single day and other than my children, that wasn’t true for anyone else in my life. In fact, I said that to him in a message and it made me rethink a lot about myself.

A few weeks ago, I experienced a personal calamity and had an emotional breakdown. I received some really awful news in the middle of the night and had a little party of hating on myself. I was a crying fool, having a little train wreck on the floor of my bedroom at 2:30 am. I realized that he sent me his usual good night greeting that evening and I hadn’t responded. I sent him a message that something awful happened and I wasn’t going to be around the next morning, I had to deal with some urgent matters and that I was crying like a baby. I didn’t want him to worry about me the next morning when he didn’t hear from me.

Between sobs and sniffles I heard the chime go off on both my phone and computer within a few minutes of sending him the message. It wasn’t altogether unusual to get emails in the middle of the night, because I get emails 24/7 so I almost didn’t even check it.  But something made me curious to check this one.  I couldn't believe it when I saw it was from him.  He was worried about me and wanted to know if I was in any physical danger or if there was anything he could do for me. It made me cry harder knowing he cared about me that much.

He offered to talk to me and I did something that I promised myself I never would do. I called a male reader.  Before now, I told myself this was a line I wouldn’t cross, but I really wanted to talk to him, I needed to talk to him. I took a deep breath and dialed his number.

Next time:  How did the phone call go?  Will we talk again?   Will he be "nickname-worthy", if so what? 

Thanks for reading, more to come soon...

Smooches,

The Single Mom

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The Single Mom's Dating Tales

Here's a NEW post from your favorite Single Mom on Badonlinedates.com

"How it makes me feel when he sees my post pregnancy body"  ... read it if you dare... ;)  Smooches!!!

http://blog.badonlinedates.com/date-stories-jens-blog/

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Wow, this relationship is getting really serious…. FBO? (Facebook Official?) Well, nooooooo but almost…


In the 1950’s the scene was cliché, the boy pins his pin on his girl’s cardigan to make their relationship official.   When I was in school, the boy gave his class ring and I couldn’t wait to get to school on Monday to show off that we were officially going together.   Today, the same high school couple announces their exclusivity by going FBO.    Instantly, the couple has announced their couple status to all of their Facebook friends.   There’s no waiting till Monday morning to show off a class ring covered in yarn.   Within minutes, they can know how their friends, family and acquaintances feel about this new couple.
Instant access, information dispersal… thanks to The Cloud… information, news and minutia is spread in seconds.   We live in a world where people tweet about their bathroom habits, what they had for lunch and their most personal news.    A few years ago I convinced my parents in the Southwest to get on Facebook pages.  It took some work but they finally conceded.  This past winter I found out that my Grandma had died from a message they sent me on Facebook.  (dislike)
I overheard my son and his friends talking about one of their new relationships and it struck me so funny now how much technology has changed.   Back in the day I dated if a boy liked girl he had to dial her home number, gulp and hope like hell her parents didn’t answer. 
The “courtship” cycle was like this:  
passing notes  - talking on phone – going on date – “going together”

Today it could be any of the 7 following communication methods to get to the date step:
texting – emailing – instant messaging – talking on phone – Skyping – Facebooking – Tweeting – going on a date – “FBO”

The initiator (either a boy or girl) today doesn’t have to call a home phone (who even has them anymore anyway?).      It’s so much easier to ask someone on a date now.  A text, a deep breath, the send button and all that’s left is the waiting…. (text purgatory) for the answer.   
 I’m an early adapter, I’ve been texting for about 8 years, only 2 people I knew would text back.    When I got my Facebook page, only one of my classmates of a class of 375 had a page.    I had maybe 6 friends that whole first 6 months on Facebook.    Although I’ve used technology to supplement communication for a long time, I’m not necessarily a big fan of it as a whole.  I recently read a stat that 1 in 5 divorces today cites Facebook as a part of the reason for the split.    
I’ve had more than one really bad fights because of something misunderstood over text.   One that comes to mind was celebrating New Year’s Eve while my current boyfriend was traveling.   He asked how we were celebrating and I texted him that I was celebrating with my married friends, kids and we were drinking margaritas.  It was our usual joke to talk about Jose and Jack (Cuervo and Daniels) as people we socialized with.  I mentioned that Jose was taking good care of me.  When my texts were ignored for 3 days after,  he finally let his anger out that  how mean I was cheating on him with some Jose dude and rubbing it in my face.  Are ya kiddin me? 
I’ve done a lot of online dating, obviously.   I honestly think that the sheer numbers of people on a dating site now has people somewhat fooled that there are so many choices out there and I think people give up too easily on relationships thinking their choices are wide open.  While that may be true, daters these days are talking to a number of people at a time and may be interested in you, but they might just be talking to you until their number one choice contacts them.   #sadtruth
Recently a long distance relationship I’ve been exploring hit a new threshold.   He asked me if I wanted to Skype.  I was being flippant when I asked if he thought he was ready for that step.   It really did feel like another step forward even though I was making light of it.  Oh and how did I meet this person?   He read my blog.  Seriously, what a sucker, he walked right into my trap...

Smooches,

The Single Mom  



Monday, July 18, 2011

How long do you wait for sex in a new relationship?

Hot Monkey Lovin, Oh Yeah!

His text said, “I miss you”.  Although it touched my heart, it made me more melancholy than nostalgic.   For the past couple of weeks he sends me a text and I’d usually send one back but sometimes I honestly forget.  
He said being away from me made him realize how much I meant to him.  He opened up that he wanted to be with me again and have a second chance.  I really tried to keep an open mind,  I really thought about it and tried to but I just can’t.   There was a time when I would have jumped through flaming hoops of dog poo to be with him, but now that’s in the past.
In the spring I was falling in love with him and I could have easily seen a future together.  We did everything right, we were smart about taking baby steps in our relationship and we really got to know each other.  We talked, we laughed and we connected on many different levels.  Although we were very attracted to each other, we didn’t rush into bed.    I thought I had it all figured out, this time.   Now, I wonder if we waited too long and not having sex prevented us from getting closer.  I don't know.
Everything on paper with Southerngent and me made sense and we were getting really close.  Yet when I came to the point of no return - investing my heart, he had a lot of stress in his life and pulled away.   Now he wants to come back.  It’s such a frustrating pattern of my life that men come back into my life when it’s too late.  Grrrrrr…  Through all the stupid things I’ve done, I’ve finally learned that second chances don’t work for me.  If I wasn’t enough for him the first time, I’m not putting my heart out there again.
Sadly, all of his attempts to win me over and reconnect now are too little too late. 
Ironically, I’m finding myself in a similar place today with my feelings for Latin Lover.  My relationship with him was completely opposite of mine with Southerngent.   Latin Lover and I were stupid little sex monkeys too fast.   
I genuinely liked him and respected him.  We were too quickly physical and skipped a lot of steps, no doubt.   Yet, being with him was fun and our chemistry was off the charts.   You all loved him too and rooted for it to work out.   You also chided me for how quickly things progressed, yet you thought it could work.  I did too.
The passion I felt for him took over.  Then I became attached and stupid.  Something about having amazing sex messes with my brain.   I like to think it’s similar to an addiction and when it’s just that good it’s hard to let it go.   
I reacted badly and sent some impatient and bitchy texts and I really regret hurting his feelings.   Fortunately, he sloughed it off and didn’t sweat it.   We continue to talk here and there but he’s distant.  I have the feeling that he is dating a few other women.    
In the meantime, I’ve taken off my profile off the dating site.  I’ve honestly never done that before, I think I just need to take a step back.  I keep trying to put myself out there and be open, but right now it just doesn’t feel right.   A long distance relationship is unfolding and it scares the hell out of me.    I’m afraid to let it happen but I also don’t want to close any doors.    It’s hard for me to let things happen because I’m such a control freak.
So for now, my Presidency of the Scared the Hell out of Relationships Club is uncontested.     I keep finding new ways to ruin relationships either by waiting too long or not enough to jump into being a little sex monkey.   
Tell me what you think, is there a right amount of time to wait for sex in a new relationship?
Smooches,
The Single Mom

When people walk away from you, let them go. Your destiny is never tied to anybody who leaves you.  ~Unknown

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Why Love Makes Us Bat Shit Crazy


I heard from several of you about my regrettable texting meltdown from a couple of weeks ago.  Several of you who said you’ve done similar things or worse and although I’ve done more than my share of bat shit crazy stuff under the influence of love, it made me wonder why we lose it when we start to become attached to someone. 
I’ve definitely done more than my share of angry texting and felt regret the next day.  Maybe you’ve never done this but I’ve been so mad a couple of times that I locked my phone in my car to stop myself from saying something I’d regret the next day.  Although my car was in the garage two floors down I got up in the middle of the night to go get it.  Go me. 
It’s so easy to say things over text that you might not normally say.  It’s so much easier to get things off your chest in a quick text than having a verbal conversation.  Also, one can misconstrue meaning or to take things out of context, so a texting conversation can become volatile because of a simple misunderstanding. 
I’m gonna slip on the white lab coat, put my hair up and put on my glasses for this next part.   (I’m goin all Discovery Channel on you here for a minute…)   I found a couple of quotes about the science behind the crazy love thing. 
Most women find themselves acting a bit uncharacteristically cuckoo after they fall hard for a guy, and there’s a physiological reason why passion can have such a strange effect. “Being in love floods your system with mood-altering chemicals,” explains Helen Fisher, PhD, author of Why We Love. “These chemicals throw off your normal brain chemistry, tampering with your common sense and judgment.”

“It’s called falling in love for a reason — it comes upon us quickly and knocks us off our feet,” explains Pamela Regan, PhD, professor of psychology at California State University at Los Angeles. All the emotional tumult can trigger obsessive, impulsive actions, she adds
.

So, there you go, logical explanations about going bat shit crazy after you fall in love.   Hope you find it and keep it easier than I do!  

Smooches

The Single Mom


Have you ever been in love?  Horrible isn’t it?  It makes you so vulnerable.  It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.  You  build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you.  They didn’t ask for it.  They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore.  Love takes hostages.  It gets inside you.  It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like “maybe we should be just friends” turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.  It hurts.  Not just in the imagination.  Not just in the mind.  It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.  I hate love.   ` Neil Gaiman

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Reader of the Month for June - Jenniffer A.

Her comments came out of the blue and had a huge impact on me.  A few months ago, Jenniffer found The Single Mom's Dating Diary and it struck a chord with her.  She wrote to me thanking me for writing the blog because it inspires her, makes her laugh and she felt like someone out there understood what she is going through.  She's a strong, sassy, smart and independent single mother living a lot of the challenges I write about.

She sat down and read the entire blog from beginning to end in one sitting and has shared it with her sister (another single mom) and her entire group of Facebook friends.   (Big Smooches to her for this!!!)

Since then, we've shared stories and compared notes.    She tells me how inspired she is by me, but I'm also inspired by her.  Her strength and will are obvious and it makes me realize the impact of why I do this.   Although I love getting emails from anyone who has enjoyed the blog, it means even more to be a small part of inspiring someone else and giving them encouragement to get back up off that mat one more time alongside me.   We suit up and go into battle again.  This hot, feisty, lil single mama and I are gonna be the ones kicking life's ass and not letting it kick ours.  I'm grateful to have met her and I'm so glad she found the blog.

Here are her own words about The Single Mom's Dating Diary:

I look forward to grabbing my coffee in the mornings and reading your updates. Its like getting your daily does of 'girl-talk', while sharing the occasional heartbreak that all us single moms often feel we face alone. It's refreshing to read a witty and honest capturing of real life dating in the shoes of a fellow mom. Not the sugar coated spews of a glamorized life, but an honest account by a regular mom, making it day by day in the comical (and sometimes pull-your-hair-out) life of a SingleMom :)
You know I love your blog girlie, Its one of the highlights I look forward to checking into regularly :D

Jenniffer, big smooches to you for reaching out to me and also for your support.   It truly means the world to me and validates why I do this crazy thang.  

Thank you to all who read, whether it's every single post or whenever you can.  I'm grateful to be a small part of your world and I want to lift you up and make you laugh whether you are a single parent, a single person or a married person living vicariously through me.   You give me so much and I thank you so much! 

Smooches,

The Single Mom

Friday, July 8, 2011

Fame, Love and NOT settling...

Learn to say 'no' to the good so you can say 'yes' to the best.”  John C. Maxwell

Many Saturday nights have been spent surrounded by empty Chinese food takeout boxes, a chick flick and chocolate in some form or another.  I've turned down many a date with a douchebag to sometimes find myself  alone.   If I have learned one thing through the chaos of dating, it is that sometimes if something doesn't feel right it isn't right.  Let it go.  Wait for the perfect fit.   I recently had to apply this to my writing career.   I had to make one of the most difficult decisions of my life.

I began writing this blog out of a passion to create place for sharing, laughter and inspiration.   I feel like I have so much to contribute about the mistakes I've made and the things I've learned along the way. (Basically, I suck at life and I want you to feel better about yours in comparison, lol.)   I write to entertain, but I also aspire to empower and teach.  Although I'm still growing myself as a person I do try to learn from teachers who implant positive messages into my brain.  I feel a responsibility to share optimism and hope with you, sprinkled with the necessary dose of reality. 

My intentions for writing are extremely honest and without sounding full of myself, generous.  I put myself up on this stage with my flaws and boo boos for the world to read and judge.   I want to make you laugh and to give you some of the wisdom I've learned from my degree at  HKU - Hard Knocks University.    Not to be all "Molly McBraggypants" but I do have my PhD in getting my ass kicked and I'm happy to share my lumps with you.   I don't really care if you are laughing at me or with me as long as I've made you happy for a minute in your day.

I never aspired to be famous and although I'm writing a book, thought I could stay anonymous forever or pretty damned close to it.   In retrospect it sounds a little naive.   I've only been doing this for six months and I'm extremely overwhelmed about the opportunities that have come my way in a short time.   In fact, recently I was invited to be on a new tv talk show for Fox.  It's an excellent talk show, well produced and will help many people.  In short, I cannot wait to see it and I encourage you to watch it.  It's called Father Albert and is hosted by a former Catholic priest, now an Episcopal priest.   Although this exact topic wasn't a perfect fit for me, I know another better opportunity will arise. 




As a reader, I ask you to let me know your thoughts about me doing things like this in the future (either comment here or send me a private message).  Would you like to see me do appearances like this or do you think it goes against what I'm trying to accomplish?

I took a page from my "dating book" and realized sometimes if it isn't the right fit, it isn't worth trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole.  Keep looking for the round hole.  (Get your mind out of the gutter please and back to the analogy, thank you.)   

Thank you for being such an important part of my life and for all of your support.  I have faith that if I keep doing this for the right reasons that good things will happen.  I'm amazed about the amount of love you've shown me.   And you, with your naked pictures, especially you.  Just kidding.

Smooches,

The Single Mom


There's a new love interest for your favorite Single Mom... it started as a friendship and it's growing into more...

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Love, Attachment and other Dangers of Sex


If I’ve learned one thing from dating these past six years it’s that sex means something completely different to men and women.   I do have to jump in right here and lay down a disclaimer that although I’m going to make many generalizations, there are obviously exceptions.     With that being said, in my experience, most men will do whatever it takes to have sex with a woman.    It’s so complicated because we both want sex it often means something very different to us in a new relationship.
I haven’t been able to be someone who can sleep with someone who I’m not falling for.   I’m not hardwired that way and I don’t really understand it.  I know there are a lot of women who have no problem doing that but I’m not one of them.    I also don’t understand how to know, really know when a man is just using me or really has feelings for me.  
I also don’t understand how to avoid falling into this trap.  In my early years of dating, this was my hardest lesson.  I just assumed that it meant the same thing to the man and he was developing feelings for me.    I got my heart broken over and over again.   Eventually, I progressed to having a little pre-talk with a guy before, maybe it was a little abstract but I put it out there that sex means something to me and don’t go forward unless you are in the same place.    
Today, the pre-talk I have is more direct and is still is no heartbreak insurance policy.    
I want someone to love me for all that I offer.   I am a contradiction, I know that.   Probably the best way to put it is that I’m Bad Sandy and Good Sandy.   I definitely have two distinct sides of my personality; I’d never be able to hide that even if I wanted to.   My readers get that and appreciate that.  In fact many men get attached to me after reading the blog and think I’m some kind of ideal woman (which I’m definitely not).  However, I am cool, fun, witty, laid back, reasonably smart and caring.   In addition, I’m also extremely sexual (shocking, I know, I know.)   I just want someone who loves me for both my Bad Sandy side AND my Good Sandy side.  I haven’t found that someone yet.
I don’t write this blog to portray anyone in a negative light.  I want to be fair and I often protect the men I’ve dated.   There are things moving behind the scenes that could bring the blog to a whole new level of exposure.  I’ve had to be more careful about the people in my life because I feel a responsibility to them. 
I had a recent date, almost a couple weeks ago with Latin Lover that I didn’t write about because of all of the attention my blog is currently getting.  I felt like it wasn’t fair to him at this moment and I didn’t want him to feel like I was using him for a story. 
Before the date, I sent him an email telling him that I didn’t want to be intimate with him if he wasn’t feeling something for me and I wanted exclusivity if we were going to be intimate.   I told him that if he’s not there yet, that I’d still see him until he was ready to make a choice one way or another. 
After that email, he invited me for a date and we took things to a new level.   The next day, I went online to close my account and that’s when I saw him on the dating site again.   I became very angry and couldn’t understand why he would have slept with me if he had no intention to keep his end of the bargain.  This was what precipitated my bat shit crazy texting meltdown that I wrote about last week.   He’s basically avoided any responsibility for misleading me and has nothing to say.  I’ve spent the past week or so crying and trying to understand how someone could be so callous with someone’s feelings.   I’m so mad and want to totally go off and express my anger about it, but I don’t want to just trash him because I have this forum.  It abuses the reasons I write this and it wouldn’t accomplish anything.   
I became attached and that’s exactly what I wanted to avoid until it was the right time.  He wasn’t concerned about me and my feelings and that’s obvious now. 
I’m slipping on the white lab coat, putting my hair in a bun and sliding my glasses on for this little science break.   When a woman has an orgasm, a hormone called oxytocin is released.   It’s a hormone that makes a woman bond to the person she is with.   Unfortunately, we can’t control it, it just happens.  I didn’t want to be in this place with him until I was sure.   That didn’t work out so well for me now did it?
 The purpose of this post was to start a dialogue and to explain my feelings as a woman.   I’m hopeful that this soaks into my male readers’ brains a little.  (I implanted the brain manipulation chip a long time ago, so there’s no turning back now, lol.)    If you want to bone someone just for fun, pick a woman who isn’t going to get hurt.   There are a lot of women out there who will give you her yummies after one Bud Light.   
I’m not one of those women.  I have a broken heart and I’m doubtful that there are any men who will appreciate me for all I am.
Sad Smooches
The Single Mom    

Jerry Maguire has given us a few cliche lines that have permeated our culture.  Here's one however that hits home to me.  "A real man wouldn't shoplift the pootie from a single mother."

Sunday, July 3, 2011


I beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language.  Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them, and the point is, to live everything.   Live the questions now.   Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer...


Ranier Maria Rilke

Friday, July 1, 2011

Mixed Signals - WTF???


It started with an innocent text, a hello to keep in touch.   I abruptly ended our contact a couple months ago.   Finally, I’d hit my saturation point waiting for things to be different.  I’d had enough.    He tried a couple more times to reach out to me but I’m stubborn.   Once I’ve made up my mind, it’s a done deal. 
 In Southerngent’s defense, we met at a really bad time in his life.  His mother became really sick and he also lost his job unexpectedly.    He told me he was falling for me and then he found out the bad news about his job.    I was extremely supportive of him, but he withdrew from me.     I understood that he didn’t mean to be but he became very distant.   He wanted to be in my life but his actions didn’t back that up.  
This week, I reached out to him to say hello and see how he was.   My intentions were completely honest and friendly.  Ironically, he had just gotten a job offer the very same day.    His major hurdle for us being together was now removed.    
The irony of him getting a new job on the very same day I reached out to him was staggering.  
He had fallen in love with me at the beginning of spring and now wanted to open that door again.   His suggestion that we catch up and meet for a drink this weekend sounded like a good idea at first and a worse idea after I thought it through.
While I haven’t said no yet I just keep thinking it’s a bad idea.   He chose to push me away once.   I have to get better at ending relationships with a harder stop and not going back to them.   He said he was in love with me and yet was willing to let me go.  I can’t understand it really. 
Over the past years of dating, I’ve spent so much time trying to interpret the other team’s signals - is he going to stick around, does he have feelings for me, do I let myself get attached?   I have a lot to learn and the other team often baffles me with their mixed signals.    I guess what I’ve realized is that if someone is sending mixed signals they aren’t fully invested and it’s better to let it end than to keep it on life support.
I think things between Latin Lover and I are unwinding in a similar way.    It seems apparent to me that he and I weren’t looking for the same things.   I’m not completely sure to be honest.
Maybe it seems unrealistic, but I want to be with someone who I don’t have to question their feelings for me.   I don’t want to feel like a chess piece or to constantly have to wonder what he’s thinking.  Relationships shouldn’t have to be incessant work and frustration.     When we first met we were playful and fun and it just happened.  After he came back from being gone for two weeks, the dynamic was different.     
I don’t mean to imply that every moment can be perfect because life just doesn’t work like that but it shouldn’t have to feel like a constant question mark.   I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this.  Do I give up too early and am I being unrealistic or is it best to call the game when the signals seem mixed?
Smooches,
The Single Mom