Monday, July 18, 2011

How long do you wait for sex in a new relationship?

Hot Monkey Lovin, Oh Yeah!

His text said, “I miss you”.  Although it touched my heart, it made me more melancholy than nostalgic.   For the past couple of weeks he sends me a text and I’d usually send one back but sometimes I honestly forget.  
He said being away from me made him realize how much I meant to him.  He opened up that he wanted to be with me again and have a second chance.  I really tried to keep an open mind,  I really thought about it and tried to but I just can’t.   There was a time when I would have jumped through flaming hoops of dog poo to be with him, but now that’s in the past.
In the spring I was falling in love with him and I could have easily seen a future together.  We did everything right, we were smart about taking baby steps in our relationship and we really got to know each other.  We talked, we laughed and we connected on many different levels.  Although we were very attracted to each other, we didn’t rush into bed.    I thought I had it all figured out, this time.   Now, I wonder if we waited too long and not having sex prevented us from getting closer.  I don't know.
Everything on paper with Southerngent and me made sense and we were getting really close.  Yet when I came to the point of no return - investing my heart, he had a lot of stress in his life and pulled away.   Now he wants to come back.  It’s such a frustrating pattern of my life that men come back into my life when it’s too late.  Grrrrrr…  Through all the stupid things I’ve done, I’ve finally learned that second chances don’t work for me.  If I wasn’t enough for him the first time, I’m not putting my heart out there again.
Sadly, all of his attempts to win me over and reconnect now are too little too late. 
Ironically, I’m finding myself in a similar place today with my feelings for Latin Lover.  My relationship with him was completely opposite of mine with Southerngent.   Latin Lover and I were stupid little sex monkeys too fast.   
I genuinely liked him and respected him.  We were too quickly physical and skipped a lot of steps, no doubt.   Yet, being with him was fun and our chemistry was off the charts.   You all loved him too and rooted for it to work out.   You also chided me for how quickly things progressed, yet you thought it could work.  I did too.
The passion I felt for him took over.  Then I became attached and stupid.  Something about having amazing sex messes with my brain.   I like to think it’s similar to an addiction and when it’s just that good it’s hard to let it go.   
I reacted badly and sent some impatient and bitchy texts and I really regret hurting his feelings.   Fortunately, he sloughed it off and didn’t sweat it.   We continue to talk here and there but he’s distant.  I have the feeling that he is dating a few other women.    
In the meantime, I’ve taken off my profile off the dating site.  I’ve honestly never done that before, I think I just need to take a step back.  I keep trying to put myself out there and be open, but right now it just doesn’t feel right.   A long distance relationship is unfolding and it scares the hell out of me.    I’m afraid to let it happen but I also don’t want to close any doors.    It’s hard for me to let things happen because I’m such a control freak.
So for now, my Presidency of the Scared the Hell out of Relationships Club is uncontested.     I keep finding new ways to ruin relationships either by waiting too long or not enough to jump into being a little sex monkey.   
Tell me what you think, is there a right amount of time to wait for sex in a new relationship?
The Single Mom

When people walk away from you, let them go. Your destiny is never tied to anybody who leaves you.  ~Unknown


James Marriott said...

Annoyingly the answer is No, there isn't a "right" amount of time. It purely comes down to what feels right at the time and will also be influenced by the time spent before meeting / actually "going out".

Another important factor is how much sex means to you ("you" being people in general). If it's an important part of a relationship then you need to know you're compatible before you waste too much time on the relationship.

So no, don't stress about it, just go with what ever feels right.

James *smooches*

Anonymous said...

I don't actually wait for sex. I wait until its right. I have friends (all female) who have some very specific rules, e.g:
a) after 3 dates
b) after 3 months
c) after 6 months
but I really can't understand how you can be so arbitrary about it. Either its right, or its not. If you aren't sure, then that falls into the latter category.

It may not have steered me right all the time, as teenage hormones tended to weight my timing to now, but it also made me step back often enough that I felt happy with me and my decisions. The other thing i did was to not try and justify it to myself. If I didn't want to, I never beat myself up trying to figure out why - it was just a case of "naaaaaaaaaaah"!


Jenniffer said...

Yeah... I don't think there is a "Right" answer or waiting period. I go by a small check list though..
- Do I feel hes just trying to get into my pants?
- Do I want it?
- Will I regret this if it turns out to be just sex?

I go from there. Now.. by those rules.. my sex partners are in the single digits ;) So not many have made it. And 2 of which were 3+ year relationships (first being an engagement-live in situation and second being my on/off engagement then marriage)

But I always try to remember that to *MOST* men, sex is just that. Its sex. They don't see or think anything past it. They just want it. So to them- its always the right time! lol Its us women that over-think and analyze the crap out of it. Its hard to shut that off and get into the "male mindset"

Just make sure it feels right for you :)

DavidRayDog said...

For me, there's not a specific amount of time to wait for hot monkey love. It's just has to feel right.

singlemom said...

Thanks for the comments, can I give you my number for my next date so you can text bomb me (cock block)? Hehe... Lots of Smooches!!!