Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Love, Attachment and other Dangers of Sex

If I’ve learned one thing from dating these past six years it’s that sex means something completely different to men and women.   I do have to jump in right here and lay down a disclaimer that although I’m going to make many generalizations, there are obviously exceptions.     With that being said, in my experience, most men will do whatever it takes to have sex with a woman.    It’s so complicated because we both want sex it often means something very different to us in a new relationship.
I haven’t been able to be someone who can sleep with someone who I’m not falling for.   I’m not hardwired that way and I don’t really understand it.  I know there are a lot of women who have no problem doing that but I’m not one of them.    I also don’t understand how to know, really know when a man is just using me or really has feelings for me.  
I also don’t understand how to avoid falling into this trap.  In my early years of dating, this was my hardest lesson.  I just assumed that it meant the same thing to the man and he was developing feelings for me.    I got my heart broken over and over again.   Eventually, I progressed to having a little pre-talk with a guy before, maybe it was a little abstract but I put it out there that sex means something to me and don’t go forward unless you are in the same place.    
Today, the pre-talk I have is more direct and is still is no heartbreak insurance policy.    
I want someone to love me for all that I offer.   I am a contradiction, I know that.   Probably the best way to put it is that I’m Bad Sandy and Good Sandy.   I definitely have two distinct sides of my personality; I’d never be able to hide that even if I wanted to.   My readers get that and appreciate that.  In fact many men get attached to me after reading the blog and think I’m some kind of ideal woman (which I’m definitely not).  However, I am cool, fun, witty, laid back, reasonably smart and caring.   In addition, I’m also extremely sexual (shocking, I know, I know.)   I just want someone who loves me for both my Bad Sandy side AND my Good Sandy side.  I haven’t found that someone yet.
I don’t write this blog to portray anyone in a negative light.  I want to be fair and I often protect the men I’ve dated.   There are things moving behind the scenes that could bring the blog to a whole new level of exposure.  I’ve had to be more careful about the people in my life because I feel a responsibility to them. 
I had a recent date, almost a couple weeks ago with Latin Lover that I didn’t write about because of all of the attention my blog is currently getting.  I felt like it wasn’t fair to him at this moment and I didn’t want him to feel like I was using him for a story. 
Before the date, I sent him an email telling him that I didn’t want to be intimate with him if he wasn’t feeling something for me and I wanted exclusivity if we were going to be intimate.   I told him that if he’s not there yet, that I’d still see him until he was ready to make a choice one way or another. 
After that email, he invited me for a date and we took things to a new level.   The next day, I went online to close my account and that’s when I saw him on the dating site again.   I became very angry and couldn’t understand why he would have slept with me if he had no intention to keep his end of the bargain.  This was what precipitated my bat shit crazy texting meltdown that I wrote about last week.   He’s basically avoided any responsibility for misleading me and has nothing to say.  I’ve spent the past week or so crying and trying to understand how someone could be so callous with someone’s feelings.   I’m so mad and want to totally go off and express my anger about it, but I don’t want to just trash him because I have this forum.  It abuses the reasons I write this and it wouldn’t accomplish anything.   
I became attached and that’s exactly what I wanted to avoid until it was the right time.  He wasn’t concerned about me and my feelings and that’s obvious now. 
I’m slipping on the white lab coat, putting my hair in a bun and sliding my glasses on for this little science break.   When a woman has an orgasm, a hormone called oxytocin is released.   It’s a hormone that makes a woman bond to the person she is with.   Unfortunately, we can’t control it, it just happens.  I didn’t want to be in this place with him until I was sure.   That didn’t work out so well for me now did it?
 The purpose of this post was to start a dialogue and to explain my feelings as a woman.   I’m hopeful that this soaks into my male readers’ brains a little.  (I implanted the brain manipulation chip a long time ago, so there’s no turning back now, lol.)    If you want to bone someone just for fun, pick a woman who isn’t going to get hurt.   There are a lot of women out there who will give you her yummies after one Bud Light.   
I’m not one of those women.  I have a broken heart and I’m doubtful that there are any men who will appreciate me for all I am.
Sad Smooches
The Single Mom    

Jerry Maguire has given us a few cliche lines that have permeated our culture.  Here's one however that hits home to me.  "A real man wouldn't shoplift the pootie from a single mother."


mashalpha said...

Some times you have to talk about it what it means , if your together as friends, just to satisfy needs, or because you feel close enough to the point where being together is the only way you can get closer and even that isn't enough at times. A man should love you for everything just like a woman should love the man the same , but in my experience being blunt honest and open is best way to avoid the trap and if he still plays games he's a bastard

singlemom said...

Thanks, Mashy. I felt like I did that. I guess I'm naieve and I want to believe that people are trustworthy. You'd think I'd have it figured out by now but evidently not. Thanks! Smooches. SM

bleu said...

First off, sorry about the hearbreak, I sent you an email because my comment was too long! Hope I'm not banned from the site... lol. You will find that person who loves you for you. That balance sheet I spoke of in an earlier post is the key... actions and words must match up. Take care and HUGS!!!!

singlemom said...

Thanks, Bleu. I loved your email and it's so true. I need to really own that advice. I feel like I've been refining things so much but obviously haven't done enough. In fairness to him I did hear from him today... an explanation/apology of sorts. At least I have closure and can start moving forward. (slowly though...) Smooches! sm

James Marriott said...

So so sorry about LL. I really had high hopes for that one working out.
I wish I could tell you why guys treat girls that way. I wish there was some secret I could share with you about how to spot the arseholes. As a guy it sickens me to think I get tarred with the same brush. I'm glad you can see that exceptions exist, just wish for you that you can find one.

Like you I couldn't sleep with someone unless there was more to it (I don't have one night stands either). As you say, some people are perfectly comfortable with them as long as it's a mutual decision.
It is staggering the lengths some blokes go to, to sleep with a woman. If it wasn't so sick you might be flattered; but it is sick.

I have mixed views about you letting guys know what "the next step" means to you. As mashalpha said, you should always be blunt and honest and it should be all that's required but to a lot of guys, these sick f***s, I fear it'll be ignored at best, worst it could encourage them. You open yourself up and those types of guys will use that vulnerability, thinking they can play you. And with you, with a heart as big and loving as yours is, the hurt is going to be so much more.

I still say you should be upfront and honest. Again there is the danger that you'll scare people off but then so what? They weren't right for you in that case.

The solution? Don't know. Closing up an not letting someone in till such time into a relationship doesn't work. How long you leave it till you have sex isn't always a good test either. I think a paid dating site is a better option. Or maybe the old fashioned way. But then you'll meet them in all walks. Go with your gut. The instant something doesn't feel right, move on. I've commented on previous post and about going with your gut. The heart can be a blind fool.
It's difficult as like I said I don't get why people treat others like this especially people as wonderful as you. I was against LL for the most part (though have tried to play Devil's advocate too), it didn't sit well, I need to dig down and find out what the specifics of that were. Will come back to you with that one.

As for Good Sandy and Bad Sandy, "we" the readers and I as your friend love you, both sides of you. Some day, hopefully soon, an exception will come along who feels the same way and treats you as you deserve to be treated. Loves as you as you will love them.

Final comment: It's. Not. You.


DavidRayDog said...

Daaaannng! So sorry to hear about this dear, you deserve so much better. That rat bastard!

Men are dogs, aren’t they, myself included (beyond my love for animals and dogs particularly, my user name is also a reference to this character trait). That being said, I need a connection with a woman beyond just basic physical attraction if I’m considering being intimate (i.e. having sex) with her. That soul-to-soul connection or whatever you want to call it makes the physical connection just so much more satisfying. I’ve never been interested in one-night stands and the sex just gets better and better the more time you spend with someone.

I love the Good Sandy and the Bad Sandy – a lot! You wouldn’t be complete without the full package. I can identify with being both a “good dog” and a “bad dog” but ultimately come down on the side of respect and loyalty in relationships.

I hope you can turn your sad smooches into happy, tingly ones soon. xo, Dave

Leslie said...

How long did you date this man before sleeping with him? Correct me if I am wrong, but it seems like you slept with him too fast.

I find it ironic that you called some other fellow out in a previous post for sending mixed signals; but then you go and send mixed signals to latin lover.

Meaning, your words say, you want something more or meaningful, but then your actions say you just want to sleep around. That's a mixed signal.

If you are in relationship mode, stay in relationship mode and don't sleep with a man so fast. If you are sex mode, be in sex mode. Pick one side or the other. Men respond to your actions.

What is it that you want anyway? Sounds like you don't even know. Why put up with BS from this Latin Lover, he sounds married anyway. Love yourself first before getting caught up in the BS of these guys. Once you love yourself, you'll be able to spot BS a lot faster

singlemom said...

Leslie, Thank you for your comment and for reading! About Latin Lover and sleeping with him too early... the date I referred to in this post was our third date. I sent him an email before it telling him not to sleep with me unless he wanted to be exclusive with me. I felt like I laid all my cards on the table. When we were together I didn't stop his advances and ask him if he read my email first, I assumed (incorrectly obviously) that his intentions were the same as mine. Since we do live two hours apart, it does make each date feel like we are in turbo mode or something, trying to cram everything into our short time together.

The other guy from my past that I was calling out would fully admit to giving me mixed signals, as he is actively apologizing and trying to get back into my life today. He told me he was falling for me then retreated. It was confusing and hurtfull and I'm not sure I can let him back into my life. A lot of my regular readers ask about him so I wanted to post that as an update and to tie in the present with Latin Lover.

I do not think Latin Lover is married, it would be very foolish to be on a free dating site with several pictures if you're not single. I care about him a lot and although we've had missteps I don't think his intent was to hurt me.

Latin Lover and I had this really strong attraction from the first time we talked and I can't put my finger on why. We are extremely drawn to each other and I definitely admit I've been more physical with him earlier than normal. However, I don't think your thought about me just wanting to sleep around is fair at all. Latin Lover is the only new man I've slept with this whole year. Maybe comparitively, this is sleeping around but I can guarantee you I turn down a whole hell of a lot of sex. It's not what I'm all about at all. Thanks for your comment and for sharing your opinion with me. Cheers! SM

Leslie said...


#1 I will try not to say I told you so when he inevitably breaks your heart...again!

#2 in the future,when you have to travel 2 hours or more to meet a man, he is anything but a gentleman!

#3 WARNING--I have dated men on line and later found out that they were indeed married. They had full profiles WITH PICS!!!!
Please don't be fooled!!!

Good luck...you will definitely need it!

singlemom said...

Dear Leslie, thanks for sharing your experience. I'm sure that awful situation was really difficult for you and I'm sorry it happened.

I will definitely step in here and take my lumps. I've certainly made many foolish mistakes and walked right back into heartbreak time after time. I take the criticism and I'm happy to get objective feedback from readers because it often shows me something I'm failing to see.

I throw myself in front of the gauntlet because I am the author of this through MY eyes. I cannot run from opinions or truth from readers. Question me all you wish. However, he is someone I care and I'd prefer judgements about character come only at me.
As an explanation though we agreed to take turns driving to each other. It's as simple as that.

I don't plan on seeing him again. I'm hurt from what just happened and I'm convinced he doesn't want what I do. However if I do and he hurts me again, I invite you to be the first one to tell me you told me so.

I hope to get to know you more in the future and I hope you are doing better out there than I am.

Thanks for sharing so much of yourself. Smooches. SM

Jenniffer said...

I'm so sorry about LL, hes an @$$ :( Drop him. And don't look back. I know its harder to do than it is to say or think to yourself.. it takes practice and time, thats where I find a fwb to be handy :)
I see sex like this.. My FWB is my Zoloft pill. Fixes my head so I don't unleash hormones on anyone else, lol
WFB= Zoloft pill
See below ;)

Why is this medication prescribed?

Sertraline (Zoloft) is used to treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (bothersome thoughts that won't go away and the need to perform certain actions over and over), panic attacks (sudden, unexpected attacks of extreme fear and worry about these attacks), posttraumatic stress disorder (disturbing psychological symptoms that develop after a frightening experience), and social anxiety disorder (extreme fear of interacting with others or performing in front of others that interferes with normal life). It is also used to relieve the symptoms of premenstrual dysphoric disorder, including mood swings, irritability, bloating, and breast tenderness. Sertraline is in a class of antidepressants called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). It works by increasing the amounts of serotonin, a natural substance in the brain that helps maintain mental balance.
<3 you!