Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Love, Attachment and other Dangers of Sex
If I’ve learned one thing from dating these past six years it’s that sex means something completely different to men and women. I do have to jump in right here and lay down a disclaimer that although I’m going to make many generalizations, there are obviously exceptions. With that being said, in my experience, most men will do whatever it takes to have sex with a woman. It’s so complicated because we both want sex it often means something very different to us in a new relationship.
I haven’t been able to be someone who can sleep with someone who I’m not falling for. I’m not hardwired that way and I don’t really understand it. I know there are a lot of women who have no problem doing that but I’m not one of them. I also don’t understand how to know, really know when a man is just using me or really has feelings for me.
I also don’t understand how to avoid falling into this trap. In my early years of dating, this was my hardest lesson. I just assumed that it meant the same thing to the man and he was developing feelings for me. I got my heart broken over and over again. Eventually, I progressed to having a little pre-talk with a guy before, maybe it was a little abstract but I put it out there that sex means something to me and don’t go forward unless you are in the same place.
Today, the pre-talk I have is more direct and is still is no heartbreak insurance policy.
I want someone to love me for all that I offer. I am a contradiction, I know that. Probably the best way to put it is that I’m Bad Sandy and Good Sandy. I definitely have two distinct sides of my personality; I’d never be able to hide that even if I wanted to. My readers get that and appreciate that. In fact many men get attached to me after reading the blog and think I’m some kind of ideal woman (which I’m definitely not). However, I am cool, fun, witty, laid back, reasonably smart and caring. In addition, I’m also extremely sexual (shocking, I know, I know.) I just want someone who loves me for both my Bad Sandy side AND my Good Sandy side. I haven’t found that someone yet.
I don’t write this blog to portray anyone in a negative light. I want to be fair and I often protect the men I’ve dated. There are things moving behind the scenes that could bring the blog to a whole new level of exposure. I’ve had to be more careful about the people in my life because I feel a responsibility to them.
I had a recent date, almost a couple weeks ago with Latin Lover that I didn’t write about because of all of the attention my blog is currently getting. I felt like it wasn’t fair to him at this moment and I didn’t want him to feel like I was using him for a story.
Before the date, I sent him an email telling him that I didn’t want to be intimate with him if he wasn’t feeling something for me and I wanted exclusivity if we were going to be intimate. I told him that if he’s not there yet, that I’d still see him until he was ready to make a choice one way or another.
After that email, he invited me for a date and we took things to a new level. The next day, I went online to close my account and that’s when I saw him on the dating site again. I became very angry and couldn’t understand why he would have slept with me if he had no intention to keep his end of the bargain. This was what precipitated my bat shit crazy texting meltdown that I wrote about last week. He’s basically avoided any responsibility for misleading me and has nothing to say. I’ve spent the past week or so crying and trying to understand how someone could be so callous with someone’s feelings. I’m so mad and want to totally go off and express my anger about it, but I don’t want to just trash him because I have this forum. It abuses the reasons I write this and it wouldn’t accomplish anything.
I became attached and that’s exactly what I wanted to avoid until it was the right time. He wasn’t concerned about me and my feelings and that’s obvious now.
I’m slipping on the white lab coat, putting my hair in a bun and sliding my glasses on for this little science break. When a woman has an orgasm, a hormone called oxytocin is released. It’s a hormone that makes a woman bond to the person she is with. Unfortunately, we can’t control it, it just happens. I didn’t want to be in this place with him until I was sure. That didn’t work out so well for me now did it?
The purpose of this post was to start a dialogue and to explain my feelings as a woman. I’m hopeful that this soaks into my male readers’ brains a little. (I implanted the brain manipulation chip a long time ago, so there’s no turning back now, lol.) If you want to bone someone just for fun, pick a woman who isn’t going to get hurt. There are a lot of women out there who will give you her yummies after one Bud Light.
I’m not one of those women. I have a broken heart and I’m doubtful that there are any men who will appreciate me for all I am.
The Single Mom
Jerry Maguire has given us a few cliche lines that have permeated our culture. Here's one however that hits home to me. "A real man wouldn't shoplift the pootie from a single mother."
Posted by singlemom at 10:39 AM