Friday, July 1, 2011

Mixed Signals - WTF???

It started with an innocent text, a hello to keep in touch.   I abruptly ended our contact a couple months ago.   Finally, I’d hit my saturation point waiting for things to be different.  I’d had enough.    He tried a couple more times to reach out to me but I’m stubborn.   Once I’ve made up my mind, it’s a done deal. 
 In Southerngent’s defense, we met at a really bad time in his life.  His mother became really sick and he also lost his job unexpectedly.    He told me he was falling for me and then he found out the bad news about his job.    I was extremely supportive of him, but he withdrew from me.     I understood that he didn’t mean to be but he became very distant.   He wanted to be in my life but his actions didn’t back that up.  
This week, I reached out to him to say hello and see how he was.   My intentions were completely honest and friendly.  Ironically, he had just gotten a job offer the very same day.    His major hurdle for us being together was now removed.    
The irony of him getting a new job on the very same day I reached out to him was staggering.  
He had fallen in love with me at the beginning of spring and now wanted to open that door again.   His suggestion that we catch up and meet for a drink this weekend sounded like a good idea at first and a worse idea after I thought it through.
While I haven’t said no yet I just keep thinking it’s a bad idea.   He chose to push me away once.   I have to get better at ending relationships with a harder stop and not going back to them.   He said he was in love with me and yet was willing to let me go.  I can’t understand it really. 
Over the past years of dating, I’ve spent so much time trying to interpret the other team’s signals - is he going to stick around, does he have feelings for me, do I let myself get attached?   I have a lot to learn and the other team often baffles me with their mixed signals.    I guess what I’ve realized is that if someone is sending mixed signals they aren’t fully invested and it’s better to let it end than to keep it on life support.
I think things between Latin Lover and I are unwinding in a similar way.    It seems apparent to me that he and I weren’t looking for the same things.   I’m not completely sure to be honest.
Maybe it seems unrealistic, but I want to be with someone who I don’t have to question their feelings for me.   I don’t want to feel like a chess piece or to constantly have to wonder what he’s thinking.  Relationships shouldn’t have to be incessant work and frustration.     When we first met we were playful and fun and it just happened.  After he came back from being gone for two weeks, the dynamic was different.     
I don’t mean to imply that every moment can be perfect because life just doesn’t work like that but it shouldn’t have to feel like a constant question mark.   I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this.  Do I give up too early and am I being unrealistic or is it best to call the game when the signals seem mixed?
The Single Mom 


bleu said...

My male cousin told me to think of men and dating like a balance sheet, where both sides always add up. So if someone says something but does something different then it doesn't balance.

Jenniffer said...

Hmm... While I don't know about THESE men.. I do know that the past several crash & burns I've had.. And all of them.. while I was getting the mixed signals they were sending & questioning them on it, they were adamantly defying any going-on's at all and that I was over reading things and worrying too much. Only for me to late find out that they were playing and had gf's on the side. (Or the main course, I never have found out) My husband is included int his group of crash & burns. Hence the divorce :) lol
Now, I trust my gut. No matter how brutal it tells me to be. I call all men out on their crap, they argue, avoid/disappear, in a matter of weeks it surfaces that I was right. haha. I would trust your gut instinct!!

DavidRayDog said...

I never know what's going on so can't really offer any useful advice. Jennifer's suggestion seems to make sense though.

singlemom said...

Thanks for all your comments and I think they all make sense. I've always said that one shouldn't gamble more than they are willing to lose. So, if you care about someone, you don't risk that. People worth holding onto are rare and you don't throw that away. If you do, you are gambling, so you can't be upset when it's gone. On the flipside I don't want to be with someone who doesn't value me. So, go on get ya step on if you ain't feelin the Single Mom. (hey they didn't really leave did they? Come back!) Smooches!

Anonymous said...

So on the one hand, El-El seems right for you on a lot of levels, and on the other, he's a guy. We're usually relatively straight-forward and don't go for hidden meanings in things ("what i really meant was this").

If you ask him not to date other people if he's dating you, its not a complicated request.

If latin lover wants to keep his options open and stay on the dating site for the time being, fine, but at least he doesn't have to respond, be active, and stop the subscription when it lapses...

You let him into your world, your bed, and a portion of your life. Its up to him if he can stay there now, and you've given him the few rules he absolutely needs to follow.

In fact, as far as i know, the same information applies to most of us guys - if you can summarise as concisely as possible what you want and are asking for, things work better for us.

Trust me, the explanation bit can come after, if its needed at all.


singlemom said...

Dear Wubanger, thanks for your guy insight because it really helps. I agree with you and I do try to keep it more simple when talking to a man. It does seem to make things much smoother. That's the one benefit of raising boys, I get the male brain a little more now. Anyhoo... thanks again for reading and for all your support MR. (wink) Wubanger... Smooches!!!