Wednesday, August 31, 2011

A Romance with a Reader - Your Feedback and What's Happening (ch 9)


Your comments were right on about my romance with “The Reader”.    I felt pretty warm and fuzzy after I published the post last Friday about how things felt after that fateful late night phone call.    Many readers brought me right back down to truth… blech.     
Fortunately, many of you gave me a huge dose of reality and I’m grateful for that.    It was like getting a cold glass of water in my face, and made me open my eyes.
The funniest conversation happened on my Facebook page, it’s worth it to go to my page just to read the chatter from two sisters talking about my love life, and well theirs too.  (Here’s the link if you want to read it - Read the conversation from last Friday night:  http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Single-Moms-Dating-Diary/138563976203412)   At first, I laughed and then sat numb in my chair for a few minutes as I accepted the truth of what they were saying.   They cautioned me that the fact that he wanted to back up was a very bad sign and I shouldn’t ignore it.
They are right and I heard it from a few other people too.   Truth be told I was probably having a momentary lapse of objectivity.   I’ve seen too many chick flicks where everything falls into place in a third act twist.   Well, I guess I wouldn’t be writing a blog about my crappy dating life if happy endings were a given.
Here’s where writing a blog and being totally open about my feelings with YOU bites ME in my ass… he can read my thoughts and feelings too, dammit.  There’s no poker face when I’m so real about what I feel at any given moment.   I suck at the game and it’s really hard for me to play it cool if I’m invested, anyway… but still holding some things back would be helpful.  However, I put it all out there.  Kinda sucks to be me a little, huh? 
Several days have passed, where are we now? 
He lives on the east coast and we did communicate a lot through this past weekend’s hurricane.   We kept in touch and I was truly concerned for him.   It reminded me of a cliché movie scene and a preemptive, tearful goodbye just in case or something.   Our feelings for each other were really close to the surface and I think the heightened emotion of the situation might have impacted that.
We have texted a lot but haven’t talked very much at all.  It isn’t really intentional; we’ve been pulled in different directions.    This upcoming weekend is Labor Day.  Originally, this was the weekend we talked about meeting for the first time.   I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me because it does.   It’s just not going to happen and at this point there aren’t any real plans to either.   We aren’t “Facebook official” or even Facebook friends right now (not because of any specific reason).  We love each other but we are both technically free.   Maybe someday we will meet and maybe we won’t I guess it’s anyone’s guess right now.
I’ve also been getting a lot of texts from an ex I’ve written about, someone I saw this year.  He’s been texting me for over a month, wanting to see me.  I brushed him off in the beginning, I felt like I belonged to “The Reader”.     Now, this isn’t really the case, so I’ve been texting him back, yet keeping him at a distance.  He wanted to meet me for a drink on Saturday night and either before or after a party I went to.    He texted me again on Sunday between school supply shopping trips.   I’m sure he will keep trying to find a time we can get together. 
Right now, the future is wide open.   “The Reader” and I are best friends and have deeper feelings too.  However, the reality is that the no meeting is set.  Anything could happen now and I’m keeping an open mind, maybe more so every single day. 
Truth is; I’m a free agent and going to just let this unfold as it will.   I’ve been contacted by several other readers also interested in meeting me.    So far, I haven’t decided one way or another to open up that door again.    It’s not like me to be going with the flow, I like to control everything.   Yet, not sure if you’ve noticed but that hasn’t worked out too good for me.    

As much as I’d like to kick Captain Obvious out of my life forever and have all my dreams come true, it just isn’t practical now is it?  Duh, I hear you, I do.
So, for today… I’d say the odds of me meeting “The Reader” and me being the Crazy Cat Lady are about a dead heat.  Maybe I should take bets on that, huh? 

Smooches,

The Crazy Cat Lady aka The Single Mom 

Sunday, August 28, 2011

The Pursuit of Happyness


I appreciate everything I have more because of the struggles.   I had a relatively easy life, although I didn’t realize it at the time.  Like most people I saw what I DIDN’T have.  My parents were divorced when I was a toddler and in the 70’s that was a bigger deal than it is today.
I was in the minority as most of my friends came from intact homes.  I felt sorry for myself, I ‘m ashamed to say.    My mom remarried relatively quickly and we moved a lot so my step dad, a humble truck driver could get better jobs just so his step children could have more.    His nickname for me was “Brat” and I’m embarrassed to say I probably deserved it.    I had Calvin Klein’s, Izods, rocked my Ralph Lauren polos and preppy sweaters with the stupid little whales on them.   My mom wore pants with holes in them so I could have all the best brands.
Yet, I compared myself to the cheerleader who had more, shinier shoes, purses to match each pair, more stuff, better stuff.   Her dad was a dentist and she had e v e r y t h I n g.     In comparison, I didn’t have enough.  Yet, I never went without, never had to be hungry never had to wear shoes with holes in them.    I went to the doctor when I was sick, I had whatever I needed.    I was embarrassed that my step dad was a truck driver and used to walk 10 steps ahead of my mom at the mall, yet let her catch up to me at the register to pay.
My mom and step dad sacrificed so much so that we could have things.  We ate Manwich, and Hamburger Helper and now I hate myself for complaining about whatever it was put in front of me that I didn’t like, well except those nasty salmon patties that it turns out my dad hated too.   The point is that my step dad worked his ass off all week so that we could have whatever we needed.
My good fortune continued into my life.  My ex and I had good careers, bought a nice home, had a beautiful, healthy young son and I drove a Lexus in my 20’s.    I had the privilege of staying home to raise my son and we were blessed with another son.   Unfortunately, my marriage wasn’t a happy one and I had to restart a career after being home for double digit years.  Then the world kept slapping me down and the economy didn’t do my situation any favors.
Late last year, I lost my job, I’ve already gone into that here and not going to rehash it, but in my heart of hearts, I truly believe my body of hard work did not merit what happened.    It’s irrelevant to this post, but the bottom line is I’ve struggled to find work.   After beating down the bushes, I’ve basically created my own job(s) while looking.  I am trying to make a few businesses work and I know they will, this blog being one of them.   I write to entertain, inspire and because I truly believe I have something to say, something to contribute.   Following this dream is often hard and sometimes I feel selfish thinking I could provide for my family so much better if I just found something that would be more reliable. 
Hardly anyone you will ever meet works harder than I do right now.   I have trained my body to need less sleep.  I have thrown myself into learning everything possible I can about blogging, writing, social media and search engine optimization, just to name a few.    Stubborn is probably one of the first words you’d think of to describe me.  I don’t want or accept handouts, don’t believe in them.     Yet last week, I had an emotional meltdown that took me down to my core.   It was Monday and I literally worked from sunup to 11:30 at night and still had to go to the grocery store to get some necessities for the boys.     A quick check of my balance made me realize I didn’t have enough to get the things on our list.    
I lost it.  I was exhausted, drained and spent.  Through tears I had to tell my boys that we could only get a few things: milk, bread and the cheese on the list.    I literally broke down in front of them.   They both rallied and made me feel better.  My oldest son put his arm around me and was an incredible comfort.  He asked me if I’ve prayed lately about it.    Truly, I hadn’t lately prayed for help, just my daily stuff and for intentions of people around me.   
My son and I prayed for help, for guidance also for gratitude for being so tested.   I truly believe things like these make us dig deeper find out what we are made of and although I didn’t want my boys to see me like this, it was good for them.   I’m sure my parents struggled I just didn’t see it.  They hid that from me, clipped coupons, sewed the holes in their socks, whatever so I could in turn wear Calvin Klein jeans and still feel like it wasn’t enough.    You have no idea how much I hate myself for that today.
Of course you’re familiar with the expression  - you don’t know what you had until it’s gone.    The impact of those words has so much gravity on me today because I lost my mom too early and without warning.  I wish like hell I could tell her how much I appreciated her sacrifices.     I can still tell my step dad, in fact I’m going to email this post to him as soon as it’s finished.  It’s not too late to tell him how much I appreciate everything and I’m doing it today.   (Note: I don’t call him my step dad in life, just for this piece.)   He earned the title “dad” more than my “real” dad who just paid what the court mandated he pay.  While my "real dad" spent his time traveling the world, we scraped by.   
I get it now, so totally get it.  While the last year has been hard, so fucking hard we have a roof over our heads and although we might have to sacrifice our wants, we have most of what we need.  The world cannot take that away from us.  It can take away the food in our pantry, our car can get wrecked, our bodies can get damaged, but not our hearts, spirits or pride.   I’ll be damned if it’s going to take those things away from us.   We don’t have what we want and I’m embarrassed to say we have our moments when we feel poor.   However, we are not going to sit around and feel sorry for ourselves, it’s just not gonna happen on my watch. 
I know someday when we can go to the doctor whenever we are sick or our tv works again or when we have an aspirin whenever we have pain, have fully functioning air conditioning or a dishwasher again we will appreciate them a hundred times more than we ever did in the past.   Yet, today I have to look at the list of the things I am grateful for.  I have a roof over my head, a computer that I can use to find a wealth of knowledge, a loving family and I also have readers who add so much to my life.  I’m truly blessed and I’m grateful for today, working my ass off for a better tomorrow, but not missing the simple pleasures in the present. 
The next day after my son and I prayed, I overheard friends talking about selling their old gold jewelry.  I realized this was my answer.    I had to sell jewelry that my grandma and mom had given me.   Since I’ve lost both of them, it was sad to sell pieces of them but I have my memories and that can't be taken away from me.
I deposited the check, went to the grocery and then ran into a friend, who I haven’t seen in a long time.  She knew I’d lost my job, asked how we were doing and after we caught up,  insisted on paying for my groceries.    I of course turned her down until she literally jammed the money into my pocket.    As I continued to shop, tears ran down my face.   I’m sure I looked like a fool pushing my shopping cart with tears rolling down my face, I didn’t really care.  
When I got home, my kids were so excited.   The next morning, there were 5 more bags of groceries on our front door step from someone else.    It literally felt like Christmas.  We had laundry soap, paper towels and things that I know I’d never take for granted again.   I’ve always made my kids do volunteer work; I’ve always tried to let them know how fortunate they were.  Now life taught them lessons that they’d always remember. 
I’m in my office working on a beautiful Sunday afternoon looking outside.  Yet, I’m grateful to see blue sky, greenish brown grass, puffy white clouds.    One of the things I’m privileged to do is to write.  I hope what I have to contribute is valid, and many of you tell me it is.   So, I keep doing it, it’s a blessing to me more than you know. 
Writing this blog has felt like a calling.  I’ve literally worked on it tirelessly and I hoped I had enough to share, enough to impart and I also wanted to make you laugh along the way.  I debated writing this piece mostly because of my own pride – it’s embarrassing and yet I feel so important for all of us to know how tough it can be, and how we need to be grateful for what we DO have. 
Sometimes doubt creeps in and I wonder if I’m a good enough writer to build a blog that has a following, that really makes it and then I get an email  or a tweet that tells me to keep going.    I go back to a quote that sticks out to me “… the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best.” Henry Van Dyke
Here’s a comment from a new reader, calling herself Joy:
Single Mom, I respect you as a woman, a single mom and a writer...hang in there, you are going to find what God wants for you...whether it is "the reader" or not...so keep doing what you are doing...because you are helping many women like me :D
The point is I got the lesson of appreciation and I want to share it with you.  I appreciate everything so much more, I am so less selfish, judgemental and I will never take things for granted ever, including the love of family, friends and maybe someday a good man.    It’s all a part of the journey, the testing and I truly think I’m being polished and refined into the best version of me.  It's hard sharing with you and always being honest especially if It’s not  the happiest peek into my life.   Yet I do it to encourage you along your road. Thank you so much for reading, your comments and for being a part of the pursuit of my happyness.   
Smooches
The Single Mom

The clip above is from one of my favorite movies, The Pursuit of Happyness.  This is an inspiring movie for me as a single mom and makes me so grateful for all the blessings I have.   It keeps me going even though I know it can take time for hard work to pay off, it's worth it.   

Friday, August 26, 2011

A Romance with a Reader - Conflict, Tears and an Ending? Part 2



A long distance romance found on Twitter, grown over the months... we haven't met yet, but will we after our first argument???  We finally talk after several days of misunderstanding.   It's 2:00 am, we haven't spoken in days and I've been crying so much it made me get sick  - and the phone rings...


I took a deep breath, answered his call and braced myself for an ear full.  We hadn’t talked in several days which was unusual for us.    We had a spat that started a few days earlier, our first spat actually.   Our only conflict was probably something like, noooo I love you more, noooo I love YOU more.  Go ahead, roll your eyes, but it’s true.
This argument started because my frustration boiled over about how he has backed off the conversation about coming here to meet me.    We’ve had romantic feelings for each other for about 6 weeks at this point, in the beginning we talked about meeting incessantly.  Gradually, it tapered off and that bothered me.   

My point of reference is coming at it from doing a lot of online dating.    In my experience it’s better to meet somewhat soon to make sure the physical chemistry is there in person.   You can talk and flirt and coo all you want before you meet, but meeting in person is essential to really gauge the future of the relationship.  

I feel like we are in a holding pattern until we can be together, there are too many unknowns and that uncertainty bothers me deeply.   I don’t like to drag out things, if it’s gonna hurt, I’d rather pull the bandaid off all at once and get it over with.  I don’t want to wait a long time, have the anticipation grow and then one of us not be sure that we’ve chosen well.  To me, waiting a long time will only make it hurt worse if the chemistry isn't there when we meet in person. 
I’m attracted to him as a person because of who he is and how much he cares about me.   He's cute but his appearance isn’t why I fell for him.   Honestly, in the beginning I wouldn’t even consider getting close to him in a romantic way.    The whole long distance thing was a huge issue for me and I wouldn’t let myself think about it.   Day by day, he chisled his way into my heart and my feelings eventually became too strong to ignore.   He worked so hard, every day to get close to me, keeping his feelings to himself.   

When we finally talked on the phone I told him I’d open myself up to it as a possibility.   We started talking regularly, got some of the “dealbreaker” conversations out of the way and soon after I decided to dive in all the way.   We both were in the deep water, in love, no lifejackets no orange floaties, we were in the deep end, completely.
Once I made the decision to allow myself to fall in love with him, there was no turning back, it was full throttle all the way.  We didn’t have a plan, we were going to deal with things as they came along.   Now, he was pulling his foot off the accelerator and I didn’t understand.
Things are perfect with us, in my opinion and I’m thinking before this argument, he would have said the same thing.   I’ve tried to replay all of our recent conversations and nothing adds up to make him reconsider moving forward.    When I look back on everything, I have no regrets, I haven’t held back, haven’t been too demanding, have given and done everything I possibly could.  
When he begins to speak, his voice is softer than I expected.  He was sick and just woke up from a nap, saw my texts and wanted to call because he could tell I was upset.  (This is why I love him so much.  He's very sensitive when I’m upset.  Honestly, I’d say I’m relatively low maintenance.   I think he’d agree; drama and constant affirmations are not my style.)   I thanked him for calling me, especially so late.   It truly did mean a lot to me and I appreciated it.
My voice cracked through sobs and although the first several minutes were tense, it was necessary to get everything out there.    He explained how he was frustrated with me for not being patient with him.   I told him how I didn’t understand why he wanted to slow down, why meeting me wasn’t a conversation anymore.   I then told him that I felt rejected.  I don’t think he really understood that until now.
I felt irritated and exposed because in the beginning he was the one who pursued all this and asked me to be with him, now he was putting the car in reverse.    Through tears, I tried to explain my feelings and why I was so hurt, he was agitated and kept saying over and over that  what I had been saying was right, that we went too fast.  
I certainly wasn’t saying that now, maybe we should have started off more slowly, but we didn’t.  Now we were too invested, at least I know I am.   I explained that I wanted to meet him sooner rather than later so we’d know what our chemistry was like in person.  He didn't want to rush into meeting me.
We had a stalemate and were getting more upset with each other.    Practically following a script, the dark night’s sky dramatically it up with flashes of bright lightning and loud claps of thunder.  This storm literally came out of nowhere on this peaceful night, a lot like this conflict snuck up on us out of nowhere.
I could hear the frustration in his voice as he kept repeating himself about how we moved too fast.  I tried to listen and let him explain, he did the same when I had something to say. 

We were both careful about each other’s feelings and tried to hear the other one out even though we were on opposite sides.    I’m not sure if he had heard me cry before, maybe the first time we talked but I doubt it since.   I know I’d never heard his voice sound so irritated, so sharp.  I didn’t know if we had any chance of reconciliation. 
We agreed that the fight was stupid and got way too out of hand.  Finally, we had some common ground.  We should have nipped it in the bud instead of letting it spiral way out of control.  

His voice started to soften as he explained, he knew he still loved me and wanted to be with me, he just wanted to back up a little.   He knew we needed to find a way to meet in the middle and he was willing to talk about what that could be.    The thunder and lightning were adding drama to this difficult talk.   

It was a very difficult conversation and we were starting to understand each other and feel a little more understood.   We knew we needed to postpone the "heavy lifting" for another time, it was extremely late and we both had to get up early the next morning. 
We both said we didn’t want to lose each other and how we wanted to work this out, feeling much better about how things were and that we talked through them.     We said goodbye, I love you’s and that we’d keep talking and get this back on track.    
As I hung up, the night sky lit up again with a bright flash of lighting, a loud clap of thunder followed it immediately, causing me to jump.    In just a few seconds, the darkness was broken again, this time by my cell phone, receiving a text – from him.  

He sent me our traditional goodnight text, followed by “Dream a little dream”.   He hadn't sent it since our little fight.   I sent back a loving text, snuggled under my covers, and felt safe and more secure about us

Smooches,

The Single Mom

Let me know what you think... should I be worried?  Is this a bad sign or just a healthy step?   Feel free to comment or to send me a personal message.   Thank you and big Smooches! 

 

Thursday, August 25, 2011

A Romance with a Reader - Conflict, Tears and an Ending? (ch. 8)


None of it makes sense, what started out as a few texts somehow escalated into layers of misunderstanding.  Three nights later, and I’m in my bed at 1:30 a.m. crying so hard that I threw up.    My new love interest (“The Reader”) and I had a stupid fight over text three days ago, one that we’ve since tried to resolve unsuccessfully.   I’m finally frustrated, feeling ignored and now sick, literally.  I feel like I’ve lost him, memories of what we had rushed back to my mind…
Our “first Skype date” was in late July.   We continued to talk on Skype once or twice a week, for almost a month.  We talked in between and texted every day, almost all day long.  He sent me good morning and good night texts to start and end every day.   Texting was a daily activity, we barely went more than an hour without being in contact.    
My description of “us” was a fairy tale, he always considered my feelings and if I showed the slightest bit of being upset, he’d call me immediately to clear the air.  “Perfect” was the word I’d choose if I had to pick one to describe him.   He always put me and my needs first.  We were like best friends, lovers and every day the feelings grew stronger and we got closer.  Well, that was until a few days ago. 
Before this, we had no conflict, not even a hint of it.  Our conversations were connected and everything about us was a match.   Emotionally, sexually, in every way imaginable we were compatible.   He began talking about “our future” from the beginning without any pause. 
We talked about that future together every day, how we’d wake up next to each other what we would do during the day, and what it would be like to sleep next to each other.    He was the first one who said all these things and I started to see them, to believe them.  It took some coaxing and time, but it did happen.
I loved him and I was sure about it.  Everything he did and said convinced me more and more I could trust him with my heart, my soul with everything I had… he had my back.   If I had good news, I couldn’t wait to tell him, bad news - he was always there for comfort. 
If I knew he was doing something after work, I gave him his time to enjoy it and wasn’t demanding when he was relaxing (although I missed him terribly).  There was no drama, no conflict just a deep friendship and a deeper love, both growing and gaining depth every day.
I made him a priority in my life, if he needed me, was having a bad day or whatever, I’d always let him know I love him.  If we had a “Skype date” I’d always look my best for him, wearing something pretty, makeup and fix my hair.  I wanted him to know that he was important to me, and he always made me feel the same way. 
Other men tried to get my attention through this time, and I shut them down, I didn’t need the attention or validation.   I was truly, madly, deeply in love, for the first time in a very long time.
Ironically, right before this fight, we hit a new high, a plateau in my opinion.  Our relationship was more connected more intimate and I can’t go into too much detail because it’s very personal.   However, we were closer we seemed even more galvanized - or so I thought. 
Three days ago, I sent him a text raising a difficult issue, that he hasn’t been talking about meeting me lately.   It started to bother me and it’s been gnawing at me more every day.   I hoped we’d talk about it on our “Saturday night Skype date” but it didn’t happen.
Naturally, I’m excited to meet him and I’ve told people I’m close to.   Both my friends from “real life” and readers have been asking when we are going to meet.   Everyone is starting to really be happy for us, curious and keep tabs on us. It’s a modern day love story because we met on Twitter and essentially fell in love 140 characters at a time.  We built our friendship and then it expanded to a sweet and well, also saucy romance.  
Yet, this texting conversation went really wrong.    Something I said made him think I questioned his feelings for me and his honestly.  I really didn't mean to do that, but his avoidance of the conversation of meeting me made me feel like he was rejecting me.   It all spiraled out of control so much so that we were talking about breaking up.  
Some pieces of our recent unhappiness leaked out on Twitter and a lot of readers started asking me what was going on, showing sadness and concern.  I had this post written yesterday, didn’t publish it and now am editing it because so much has changed.   I didn’t want to publish it until I talked to him, until we understood each other.   So much of our conflict was honestly because of written words being misunderstood, I didn’t want to add fuel to the fire.
Although I write this blog for you my reader,  he has to be my priority, even when I’m angry.  Maybe, especially when I’m angry.   I love him and no matter how mad I am, I need to respect him and give our situation some breathing room. 
Alone in my bed, sick, and a pathetic outbox of texts, it’s now 2:00 a.m. on a work night and he’s calling me.   This can't be good, we haven't spoken in a few days... What does he say, is he angry?   Next time, I'll tell you what happened and how things are now.
Smooches,
The Single Mom

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Romance with a Reader: Our First Skype Date - Sheepish Grins and Nervous Laughter (Ch 7)


An anonymous blogger and a chance meeting with a man on Twitter.  He began reading her blog and fell in love with her sight unseen.   After a couple of months of friendship, she turned to him when she was upset and they shared a phone call that would change their lives.  They have been talking a lot and getting close.  In fact the last time they told each other those three  words "I love you."  He’d never seen my face except in pictures, this is our first “Skype date”.
I’m not exactly sure why I had so many butterflies in my stomach before our first Skype date.   He’d seen a picture of me and we’d been talking for a couple of months, mostly on Twitter, then email, phone and texting.  We knew each other very well and had shared a lot about each other.    We were close friends and I felt like I could tell him anything.    He always showed me he cared, sent me friendly messages every morning and every night.    Yet, there was something about talking on Skype that made it feel like another milestone in our relationship, as silly as that sounds. 
I got ready like I would for a real date and my jitters made it extremely difficult to apply eyeliner and mascara.   I told myself how foolish I was because I knew he loved me, was attracted to me and I didn’t have to worry about getting spinach on my teeth, like a normal date.  I had my computer set up in my bedroom, the kids had eaten dinner and I could now focus on making myself presentable for a “first date”.
Choosing something to wear was as difficult as for a first date, well from the waist up anyway.   After trying on a few things, I chose something feminine, pretty and replied to his text that I was almost ready.  It didn’t help matters that it took longer than I anticipated to download Skype and to get it all situated. 
As I was waiting, I was trying to think of things to say.   What would we talk about, just like any first date, except that I knew I wouldn’t have to worry about sleeping with him on the first date, haha. 
When we finally were connected, the display and interaction felt more real than I envisioned it would.  He looked like his pictures and I was hoping he thought the same.   He smiled when he saw me and seemed genuine when he told me I was beautiful.   I was trying to hide my sheepish grin and my nervous laughter.    I’m sure I didn’t succeed in the least.
Our first “Skype date” went really well and I felt that we were more connected after it.  It was good hearing the voice and seeing his face with his gestures and it really was like another milestone.     We had several other dates over Skype and it became much more comfortable after the first one, well maybe too comfortable ;)

Smooches,

The Single Mom


Next time: Trouble in Paradise

Friday, August 19, 2011

A Romance with a Reader - He Sees My Face for the First Time (chapter 6)


An anonymous blogger and a chance meeting with a man on Twitter.  He began reading her blog and fell in love with her sight unseen.   After a couple of months of friendship, she turned to him when she was upset and they shared a phone call that would change their lives.  They have been talking a lot and getting close.  In fact the last time they told each other those three  words "I love you."  Yet, he'd never seen her face - until now... 

The next morning my stomach was still in knots from our conversation the night before.  My emotions were really elated but I physically felt nervous, it didn’t really add up.  This morning began like any other, with a text from him… except today was a little different… my morning text from him had an I love you attached to it.   It made me smile and feel happy, happier than I’d felt in a long time.   
After this long road of looking for love the past 6 years online dating, getting frustrated and then starting a blog about the process, ironically someone fell in love with me because of my words.  My self-depreciating humor, smarts, optimism and my sexual mojo were things he said that drew me to him.   (Maybe not in that order ;)
The irony isn’t lost on me that the ONE place that I felt free to spew my insecurities, my dorkiness and sometimes my anger was the exact place we met.   He loved me despite my insecurities, my dorkiness and my anger.   He knew me warts and all.   Another frightening truth that occurred to me after sleeping on it… he said he loved me last night and has never seen a picture of my face.   I’ve seen a few of him, he’s one of my blogs Facebook friends, but he’s never seen me.
This seemed even more odd, he never asked for a picture.  He never made it an issue at all.
I can’t imagine how someone could do that.   I’m not a superficial person, but it’s hard for me to comprehend falling in love with someone sight unseen.   It makes me feel like his motives are even more pure when I consider that his feelings aren’t based on an attraction.
You read about how I felt like two distinct personalities, Good Sandy and Bad Sandy from Grease.  I also lamented that it felt like I’d never find anyone who would love both sides of me.  Men only liked the Bad Sandy side of me and I in essence gave up looking for the exception.  I turned off my dating profile, put the “crazy cat lady starter set” in my online shopping cart, except I didn’t quite hit “confirm” yet. 
Some little ray of sunshine was peeking through all the clouds.  Maybe hearing the trite bullshit quote of “When you give up and aren’t looking for love it finds you.”  Well bullshit, what ever.  I told myself if one more person said that to me over the past 6 years that I was gonna punch someone right in the junk.
So here’s what you do if you’re looking for love, write a blog.  Be a dork, whine about how unlucky you are at love and you just have to beat them down with a stick.  It’s as easy as that.  You’re welcome.  Lol
The next night we had another phone conversation and I brought the subject up about seeing a picture of me.  In his gentle way, he said “That would be great if you are ready to, baby.  I know how you are careful about your anonymity.”  His voice even was breaking up a little with nervousness, again searching for the right words.  
It was extremely sweet and as I went down the hall to get my computer to send him a picture.  As I walked, I asked him how he could be so blasé about this because I just didn't get it.  He said again, “it doesn’t really matter what you look like.  I know I love you, what you look like is just a bonus.”
I found a couple of pictures that showed my face and were both pretty different, in one I had straight hair, the other one my hair was curly.   After I sent them to him, it was my turn to sit on the other end of a long pregnant pause and a deep breath before he spoke.  My heart was racing in my chest and I felt nervous.   His words came out slowly, deliberately.  Oh, my God…you… are… beautiful… just… beautiful…  Baby you are so beautiful. 
He nervously added something to the effect of I hope you’re not disappointed with me.   I reassured him that that wasn’t possible and I knew I was attracted to him.   After I spoke, he repeated again.  You are just so beautiful.  I’m sorry I just can’t get over it. 
Smooches,

The Single Mom

Next time: our first Skype date

Monday, August 15, 2011

A Romance with a Reader: A HUGE Confession (chapter 5)


An anonymous blogger and a chance meeting with a man on Twitter.  He began reading her blog and fell in love with her sight unseen.   After a couple of months of friendship, she turned to him when she was upset and they shared a phone call that would change their lives.  They were about to have another call that would change their futures. 


I know my voice was gravely, it was obvious that I was cranky and I didn’t care about masking it.   It was unbearably hot and I was tired.   This wasn’t really the right way to ask such an important question but I was impatient.  The heat and fatigue magnified my crankiness.

I wanted to know if there really could be a future for us or if this was some kind of game of footsie.    We were talking on the phone on an extremely hot July night.  It was late and the air was thick, suffocating almost, like a wet wool blanket.
I blurted out the question without thinking and tried to backpedal a little.  He stopped me and jumped in immediately saying that it was a completely fair question.   His voice was soft and kind and responded to my apologies well.   

I’m sure he more than picked up on my bad mood, but he only became more gentle.   He started off by saying that he’s been sure of his feelings all along and they’ve only been growing since we’ve been talking.
In his soothing nature he said that he never would have approached me in the first place and opened up if moving wasn’t something he was eventually willing to do.   We both made a little joke to minimize the gravity of the moment, making light of how he wasn’t renting a moving truck right now.  Yet, it was definitely a possibility in the future.  

He went on to say that he knew what he was feeling and he paused as he started to slow down to search for the perfect words.  As he was grasping for words, he was obviously uncomfortable with what he was trying to say.   I became more aware of my own nerves in reaction to his discomfort.  It suddenly became more noticeable to me that I was sweating and I wondered if I was just more aware of it or if it was a reaction to this conversation.  I couldn’t be sure.
I tried to listen more intently to what he was saying, the words coming out slowly, deliberately.   “I…know…what… I’ve… been… feeling…” he began.  “I’m… sure… and I’ve known it… from the beginning… I’ve fallen… for… you.”  Nervously, he corrected himself to say:  “No… I LOVE you…  I love you and I’m sure of it,” he practically blurted out.  “I love you”, he said again.
His words hung in the humid July night air as I had to struggle to inhale it.
I wasn’t expecting this, I truly wasn’t and I know I sat on the phone in silence longer than I meant to.  On his end of the phone, those few seconds had to feel like an eternity.   Hundreds of thoughts raced through my head and saying “I love you” isn’t something I take lightly. 
Was I ready to say it?  Did I feel it?  I didn’t want to say something that wasn’t a 100% true.   Knowing I was falling for him was easy.   I knew that much, was convinced of it but could I say I loved him and mean it?  Had I crossed over the line of being able to say I loved him?  My mind raced as I swore I could hear him breathe hard through this pregnant pause.
My conscious became acutely aware of the perspiration building up on my forehead as I wiped it off, holding tightly onto the phone with the other hand, trying to tell myself to continue to breathe.   In addition to my sweaty face, I now had a knot in my stomach that felt like a hand was squeezing me from the inside.  

It was hard to ignore these physical irritations and stay present in this moment an important moment no less.  The moment where someone told me they loved me for the first time.   A moment that has been a couple of months in the making, culminated into the present.    This was such a romantic, pivotal moment; one that made me feel like I wanted to puke.   After all the joking around, secrets shared, laughter and tears we've shared - our feelings have changed into love.
Suddenly, nothing else made more sense, I had total clarity that I did love him and I KNEW it.  It was as if I flipped a lightswitch and it all made sense somehow.  The past 2 months of conversations flashed back into my mind almost like doing the computation for a math problem and coming up with an answer.  It seemed logical somehow, almost obvious, it all added up to an easy answer.   Somehow, him admitting his love for me made me realize and admit that I was feeling the same thing.
I inhaled a deep breath before I spoke and I said, “I love you too.”  I do love you and I’m sure of it.  So very sure, and it feels good to say it.  So good.”   After I said it, it even felt more real even.   It was if saying it and committing to it made me sure of my love for this kind and sweet man.  
He asked how I felt after I said that.  I wanted to lie and tell him how great I was feeling, buzzed and light on my feet.    In just about what you’d come to expect from me, I said, “I'm really happy but I feel like I want to puke.”   I chuckled it off a little and in his sweet nature, he was concerned.    I told him I’d love to have more of a perfect romantic answer but this was the truth and I wasn’t sure why my stomach felt tied up, but it did. 
The irony dawned on me, I’ve seen pictures of him but he hasn’t seen any of me... yet he’s sure about loving me and I’m the one with my stomach in knots.  Ironic, huh?

It was a sweet moment and we talked about how happy we both were.  He said he knew he wanted to be with me and even talked about a forever.  We spent a long time on the call basically cooing and repeating our newfound love for each other.  

I'm sure you want to puke now, huh?  ;)

Smooches,

The Single Mom

Next time: he sees a picture of me, what would he say, how would he react?  Would he be the one with the stomach ache this time?

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The Single Mom's Dating Tales

Today's post on Badonlinedates.com:

"How it Makes Me Feel When He's Sexting after Breaking Up"

www.badonlinedates.com/date-stories-jens-blog/


A true dating story from The Single Mom's Diary... 

Smooches,

The Single Mom 

Monday, August 8, 2011

A Romance with a Reader: Important and Difficult Conversations (part 4)


We’ve had our first phone call after exchanging hundreds of messages online.    I had an upsetting emergency in the middle of the night, sent him a message online and he offered me to call him if I needed to talk to someone.   Usually, I wouldn’t have considered it but I really did need to talk.    Our first conversation was so enjoyable and he admitted that his feelings for me weren’t just those of friendship.   He asked me to at least open myself up, get to know him and if things were mutual we would talk about the harder questions. 

I had to admit that since we’ve been talking that I was starting to change my perspective.  He really did care about me, he proved it over and over again by sending me messages every single morning and evening.  He also had proven it by being so caring all along the process of us getting to know each other.  
I had to trust that he wanted to get to know me for the right reasons because all this time we’ve talked we didn’t get past just normal flirting,  Not to sound overly cynical, but in a typical situation a guy would have already sent me an R rated picture.    It was encouraging that he didn’t, unless it wasn’t something that wouldn’t measure up.   Should I worry?  Kidding.
We talked about anything and everything, laughing and having serious talks too.  We’ve lived very different lifestyles but somehow we connect on so many levels.   I’m a suburban mom  from the Midwest, rockin the soccer mom thing and he’s an east coast, big city bachelor.    He’s probably never even driven a mini-van, especially a red one.    Yet, for some reason he was drawn to me in my little tractor beam that I cleverly disguise as my blog.   LOL 
The first few times we talked, this was something I asked him about a lot, I felt practical skepticism about the whys of his feelings and were they enough to surmount the hows of us being together.  It was a tricky conversation to tiptoe around because there was no reason to talk about the future until we were sure we had feelings.
The next huge hurdle we had to talk about was meeting and I was afraid to bring it up directly.   We both talked around it, saying things like it would be great to kiss you and wake up next to you, but I couldn’t bring it up as a conversation subject. 
He admitted he had started looking at his options for transportation to get to see me.   It’s his gentle nature, to back up and say, “If that’s ok… I’m not wanting to intrude or pressure you, it’s just something I’m thinking about.”   His sweet gentle nature endears him to me more and more because he has such a warmth about him and a sincerity I couldn’t help but to allow my feelings for him to take root.    I’ve never met anyone who was so thoughtful and unselfish.   Plus the guy paid his dues a heck of a lot to win me over, so there was that. 
We also had to talk about my kids and any hesitations that created for him.   This isn’t something I can downplay or sugarcoat, they are a huge part of my life and take a lot of my focus.    This conversation went extremely well and I felt more assured after we had it. 
I’m under a lot of life stress right now.   I’m trying to find a job, keep writing the blog and I have a lot of other projects in the works.      Recently, it was extremely hot in our house.  Our air conditioner hasn’t been keeping up with how extremely hot it’s been and to say, I’ve been more stressed than normal.  I became cranky one evening on the phone with “The Reader”.  He tried to cheer me up and I wasn’t really able to be myself.  
I felt worn down and normally I would have asked the question I did with some more tact and fluff but I was too frustrated to put on a happy face tonight.   Basically, I asked him if the possibility of him someday moving to my city didn’t exist, even as an option for the future that I didn’t want to have just some long distance flirting relationship.
He responded extremely well and I apologized if it sounded like I was trying to back him into a corner.   His reaction surprised me and was a huge turning point in our relationship.

Until next time...

Smooches,

The Single Mom


Should I meet him??? Vote on the homepage upper right corner... 

Tell me what his nickname should be!  I've heard "Nicky 'Nonymous"  "Ricky Reader"  or Mr. Twitter (bc we met on Twitter)... Do you have a better one???

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

A Romance with a Reader: (Part 3) He fell for me and hasn't seen my face


Waking up the next morning felt like walking through a fog.  Did last night’s conversation really happen or was it just a part of a dream?  I never intended to get so close to someone who read my blog, let alone talk to a male reader in the middle of the night.   We talked for nearly 3 hours and it was still difficult saying goodbye.
I already had a “good morning” text from him, thanking me for trusting him and telling me how great it was to finally talk to me.   Through the past couple of months leading up to last night, I started to feel like he was my best friend and I could tell him anything.   It happened so gradually and I dismissed his feelings when he’d subtly hint about them.   I only allowed him to be my friend and we became so close, probably closer than if I would have entertained romantic feelings for him.
As I went through the day, my emotions were all over the place.  I had to deal with my upsetting life issues yet it was so comforting to realize that someone cared for me so much.   He is an extremely sweet, genuine and an amazing man, I had to give him a chance.  It would only be fair.
He’s never seen my face and he has no doubt about his feelings.  Could I trust that?  My brain told me it was too farfetched, yet my heart wants to believe.
The feelings he had for me began from reading my words and the Twitter exchanges we had - 140 characters at a time.   I of course, felt human insecurity that his feelings could be real or that he could somehow be disappointed.    It was one of the first concerns I shared on the phone last night when he told me what he was feeling.  He said “I don’t care what you look like I know what I feel and talking to you has only convinced me more.  What you actually look like is only a bonus; I know who you are on the inside.  If its ok with you, I’m going to keep texting you every morning and night, show you who I am, how much I care and let your feelings develop at your own pace.”
He said he knew he had real feelings after he read a post about a date with Latin Lover and felt true jealousy.  Thinking back on it, I remembered that day so clearly.  He sent me a sweet message about how much he enjoyed the post and how Latin Lover was a lucky man, but he never alluded to his true feelings.  Several weeks have passed since I had written that post and he’s been hiding his feelings all along under a cloak of friendship. 
He’s never seen me, touched me or kissed me, yet he professes feelings for me.  Last night was the first time we’ve spoken.  How could he really have such strong feelings for me?   How could this be anything more than an infatuation?  How could it be anything more than some kind of exaggerated emotional knee jerk reaction based on me making him laugh a few times and his feelings of being able to relate to my words.  It would pass I told myself.     
Morning breath, my impatience and my jiggly thighs were things that he’s never experienced for himself.  I know the reality of me could never live up to whatever mental picture he’s created.  I convince myself that when reality finally catches up with him that the fantasy will dissolve and it will all seem silly to him.    I resolve myself to keep up a barrier of some kind but that resolution doesn’t last long, he keeps chipping away with every text, every phone call being sweeter somehow than the day before.
Through the day, we text and send messages online and we are different with each other, even closer somehow.   We now have this immediate access with each other now, since he has my phone number.   It’s really nice feeling like he’s with me to him all day long.  We keep talking and texting as the days go along and we get even closer as our friendship starts morphing into more.  We talk about meeting and how much we want to know what it would be like to be with each other and to finally kiss and to wake up next to each other.    
When we talk on the phone, we chat for hours and never run out of things to say.  When we hang up, we have this silly tradition of sending each other a text after, like the 2 hour phone call wasn’t enough. 
He also started another nightly tradition, telling me to “dream a little dream” in his text goodnight to me.   As I close my eyes to go off to sleep, I see his face, but what does he see???  ...he’s never seen mine.

Smooches,

The Single Mom

Note:  I have a lot of writing to do to get you caught up to the present, this was about 10 days ago, so I'll be writing a lot about it.   He still doesn't have a nickname yet...