Monday, August 15, 2011

A Romance with a Reader: A HUGE Confession (chapter 5)

An anonymous blogger and a chance meeting with a man on Twitter.  He began reading her blog and fell in love with her sight unseen.   After a couple of months of friendship, she turned to him when she was upset and they shared a phone call that would change their lives.  They were about to have another call that would change their futures. 

I know my voice was gravely, it was obvious that I was cranky and I didn’t care about masking it.   It was unbearably hot and I was tired.   This wasn’t really the right way to ask such an important question but I was impatient.  The heat and fatigue magnified my crankiness.

I wanted to know if there really could be a future for us or if this was some kind of game of footsie.    We were talking on the phone on an extremely hot July night.  It was late and the air was thick, suffocating almost, like a wet wool blanket.
I blurted out the question without thinking and tried to backpedal a little.  He stopped me and jumped in immediately saying that it was a completely fair question.   His voice was soft and kind and responded to my apologies well.   

I’m sure he more than picked up on my bad mood, but he only became more gentle.   He started off by saying that he’s been sure of his feelings all along and they’ve only been growing since we’ve been talking.
In his soothing nature he said that he never would have approached me in the first place and opened up if moving wasn’t something he was eventually willing to do.   We both made a little joke to minimize the gravity of the moment, making light of how he wasn’t renting a moving truck right now.  Yet, it was definitely a possibility in the future.  

He went on to say that he knew what he was feeling and he paused as he started to slow down to search for the perfect words.  As he was grasping for words, he was obviously uncomfortable with what he was trying to say.   I became more aware of my own nerves in reaction to his discomfort.  It suddenly became more noticeable to me that I was sweating and I wondered if I was just more aware of it or if it was a reaction to this conversation.  I couldn’t be sure.
I tried to listen more intently to what he was saying, the words coming out slowly, deliberately.   “I…know…what… I’ve… been… feeling…” he began.  “I’m… sure… and I’ve known it… from the beginning… I’ve fallen… for… you.”  Nervously, he corrected himself to say:  “No… I LOVE you…  I love you and I’m sure of it,” he practically blurted out.  “I love you”, he said again.
His words hung in the humid July night air as I had to struggle to inhale it.
I wasn’t expecting this, I truly wasn’t and I know I sat on the phone in silence longer than I meant to.  On his end of the phone, those few seconds had to feel like an eternity.   Hundreds of thoughts raced through my head and saying “I love you” isn’t something I take lightly. 
Was I ready to say it?  Did I feel it?  I didn’t want to say something that wasn’t a 100% true.   Knowing I was falling for him was easy.   I knew that much, was convinced of it but could I say I loved him and mean it?  Had I crossed over the line of being able to say I loved him?  My mind raced as I swore I could hear him breathe hard through this pregnant pause.
My conscious became acutely aware of the perspiration building up on my forehead as I wiped it off, holding tightly onto the phone with the other hand, trying to tell myself to continue to breathe.   In addition to my sweaty face, I now had a knot in my stomach that felt like a hand was squeezing me from the inside.  

It was hard to ignore these physical irritations and stay present in this moment an important moment no less.  The moment where someone told me they loved me for the first time.   A moment that has been a couple of months in the making, culminated into the present.    This was such a romantic, pivotal moment; one that made me feel like I wanted to puke.   After all the joking around, secrets shared, laughter and tears we've shared - our feelings have changed into love.
Suddenly, nothing else made more sense, I had total clarity that I did love him and I KNEW it.  It was as if I flipped a lightswitch and it all made sense somehow.  The past 2 months of conversations flashed back into my mind almost like doing the computation for a math problem and coming up with an answer.  It seemed logical somehow, almost obvious, it all added up to an easy answer.   Somehow, him admitting his love for me made me realize and admit that I was feeling the same thing.
I inhaled a deep breath before I spoke and I said, “I love you too.”  I do love you and I’m sure of it.  So very sure, and it feels good to say it.  So good.”   After I said it, it even felt more real even.   It was if saying it and committing to it made me sure of my love for this kind and sweet man.  
He asked how I felt after I said that.  I wanted to lie and tell him how great I was feeling, buzzed and light on my feet.    In just about what you’d come to expect from me, I said, “I'm really happy but I feel like I want to puke.”   I chuckled it off a little and in his sweet nature, he was concerned.    I told him I’d love to have more of a perfect romantic answer but this was the truth and I wasn’t sure why my stomach felt tied up, but it did. 
The irony dawned on me, I’ve seen pictures of him but he hasn’t seen any of me... yet he’s sure about loving me and I’m the one with my stomach in knots.  Ironic, huh?

It was a sweet moment and we talked about how happy we both were.  He said he knew he wanted to be with me and even talked about a forever.  We spent a long time on the call basically cooing and repeating our newfound love for each other.  

I'm sure you want to puke now, huh?  ;)


The Single Mom

Next time: he sees a picture of me, what would he say, how would he react?  Would he be the one with the stomach ache this time?


Anonymous said...

Very brave and OMG sweet! Except for the puke of course.

So you declared love but no pics had been exchanged yet?! That is freaking amazeballs.

Good luck SMD, and can't wait for the next chapter.

singlemom said...

Aw, thanks sweetness, you are the best shoeho ever! It is actually really sweet, some not so sweet but that's another chapter...

Maybe a double twitter date is in our futures? LOL!

Big smooches!!!