Friday, August 26, 2011

A Romance with a Reader - Conflict, Tears and an Ending? Part 2

A long distance romance found on Twitter, grown over the months... we haven't met yet, but will we after our first argument???  We finally talk after several days of misunderstanding.   It's 2:00 am, we haven't spoken in days and I've been crying so much it made me get sick  - and the phone rings...

I took a deep breath, answered his call and braced myself for an ear full.  We hadn’t talked in several days which was unusual for us.    We had a spat that started a few days earlier, our first spat actually.   Our only conflict was probably something like, noooo I love you more, noooo I love YOU more.  Go ahead, roll your eyes, but it’s true.
This argument started because my frustration boiled over about how he has backed off the conversation about coming here to meet me.    We’ve had romantic feelings for each other for about 6 weeks at this point, in the beginning we talked about meeting incessantly.  Gradually, it tapered off and that bothered me.   

My point of reference is coming at it from doing a lot of online dating.    In my experience it’s better to meet somewhat soon to make sure the physical chemistry is there in person.   You can talk and flirt and coo all you want before you meet, but meeting in person is essential to really gauge the future of the relationship.  

I feel like we are in a holding pattern until we can be together, there are too many unknowns and that uncertainty bothers me deeply.   I don’t like to drag out things, if it’s gonna hurt, I’d rather pull the bandaid off all at once and get it over with.  I don’t want to wait a long time, have the anticipation grow and then one of us not be sure that we’ve chosen well.  To me, waiting a long time will only make it hurt worse if the chemistry isn't there when we meet in person. 
I’m attracted to him as a person because of who he is and how much he cares about me.   He's cute but his appearance isn’t why I fell for him.   Honestly, in the beginning I wouldn’t even consider getting close to him in a romantic way.    The whole long distance thing was a huge issue for me and I wouldn’t let myself think about it.   Day by day, he chisled his way into my heart and my feelings eventually became too strong to ignore.   He worked so hard, every day to get close to me, keeping his feelings to himself.   

When we finally talked on the phone I told him I’d open myself up to it as a possibility.   We started talking regularly, got some of the “dealbreaker” conversations out of the way and soon after I decided to dive in all the way.   We both were in the deep water, in love, no lifejackets no orange floaties, we were in the deep end, completely.
Once I made the decision to allow myself to fall in love with him, there was no turning back, it was full throttle all the way.  We didn’t have a plan, we were going to deal with things as they came along.   Now, he was pulling his foot off the accelerator and I didn’t understand.
Things are perfect with us, in my opinion and I’m thinking before this argument, he would have said the same thing.   I’ve tried to replay all of our recent conversations and nothing adds up to make him reconsider moving forward.    When I look back on everything, I have no regrets, I haven’t held back, haven’t been too demanding, have given and done everything I possibly could.  
When he begins to speak, his voice is softer than I expected.  He was sick and just woke up from a nap, saw my texts and wanted to call because he could tell I was upset.  (This is why I love him so much.  He's very sensitive when I’m upset.  Honestly, I’d say I’m relatively low maintenance.   I think he’d agree; drama and constant affirmations are not my style.)   I thanked him for calling me, especially so late.   It truly did mean a lot to me and I appreciated it.
My voice cracked through sobs and although the first several minutes were tense, it was necessary to get everything out there.    He explained how he was frustrated with me for not being patient with him.   I told him how I didn’t understand why he wanted to slow down, why meeting me wasn’t a conversation anymore.   I then told him that I felt rejected.  I don’t think he really understood that until now.
I felt irritated and exposed because in the beginning he was the one who pursued all this and asked me to be with him, now he was putting the car in reverse.    Through tears, I tried to explain my feelings and why I was so hurt, he was agitated and kept saying over and over that  what I had been saying was right, that we went too fast.  
I certainly wasn’t saying that now, maybe we should have started off more slowly, but we didn’t.  Now we were too invested, at least I know I am.   I explained that I wanted to meet him sooner rather than later so we’d know what our chemistry was like in person.  He didn't want to rush into meeting me.
We had a stalemate and were getting more upset with each other.    Practically following a script, the dark night’s sky dramatically it up with flashes of bright lightning and loud claps of thunder.  This storm literally came out of nowhere on this peaceful night, a lot like this conflict snuck up on us out of nowhere.
I could hear the frustration in his voice as he kept repeating himself about how we moved too fast.  I tried to listen and let him explain, he did the same when I had something to say. 

We were both careful about each other’s feelings and tried to hear the other one out even though we were on opposite sides.    I’m not sure if he had heard me cry before, maybe the first time we talked but I doubt it since.   I know I’d never heard his voice sound so irritated, so sharp.  I didn’t know if we had any chance of reconciliation. 
We agreed that the fight was stupid and got way too out of hand.  Finally, we had some common ground.  We should have nipped it in the bud instead of letting it spiral way out of control.  

His voice started to soften as he explained, he knew he still loved me and wanted to be with me, he just wanted to back up a little.   He knew we needed to find a way to meet in the middle and he was willing to talk about what that could be.    The thunder and lightning were adding drama to this difficult talk.   

It was a very difficult conversation and we were starting to understand each other and feel a little more understood.   We knew we needed to postpone the "heavy lifting" for another time, it was extremely late and we both had to get up early the next morning. 
We both said we didn’t want to lose each other and how we wanted to work this out, feeling much better about how things were and that we talked through them.     We said goodbye, I love you’s and that we’d keep talking and get this back on track.    
As I hung up, the night sky lit up again with a bright flash of lighting, a loud clap of thunder followed it immediately, causing me to jump.    In just a few seconds, the darkness was broken again, this time by my cell phone, receiving a text – from him.  

He sent me our traditional goodnight text, followed by “Dream a little dream”.   He hadn't sent it since our little fight.   I sent back a loving text, snuggled under my covers, and felt safe and more secure about us


The Single Mom

Let me know what you think... should I be worried?  Is this a bad sign or just a healthy step?   Feel free to comment or to send me a personal message.   Thank you and big Smooches! 



Jenniffer said...

aye.. hm.. Can't say.. I had a relationship JUST like this for about 3 months,on & off arguments and a very uneasy and eggshell filled 'relationship' with a guy who wanted me to himself- but with no labels, wanted to introduce me to his family and friends, but insisted we were not in a 'relationship', told me constantly how he was falling for me, wanted me to move in with him, talked about a future for us- even getting married and how he wanted things to be.. Pursued & pushed me to open up more & surrender to him.. Only to pull back & hit the brakes cause when I finally started to. Repeating how we were moving too fast & need to slow down.
Come to find out he was seeing other girls and couldn't make up his mind who or what he wanted :/

I'm not saying this is the case with 'Reader', I just want you to be careful.. I mean, How much slower can you take things long distance?

I don't want you to get hurt badly :(
My stomach is in knots for you..

singlemom said...

Jenniffer, Thanks for being so real, I do appreciate it more than you know! You might be right and the part about how much slower can you be with the long distance thing is really spot on... I guess I'm gonna have to keep my eyee more open and my feet more planted on the ground...

Thanks lil mama! Smooches!!

Jenniffer said...

What I don't understand is that he spent all this time insisting how sure he was of everything and his feelings and what he wanted tirelessly.. And now he says you were right and you guys moved to fast?? He was the one wanting to floor the accelerator pedal. Waiting on you to let off the brake so you could fly.. Now you take your foot off the brake and enjoying a nice cruise.. and He wants to hit the brake and say its too fast??
If he has cold feet about things, I'd give it up to a week. Depending on his contact and characteristics, 2 weeks. If nothing improves by then, he's eying his home playing field and wasting your time.
Sometimes the only way to go about things, is to be prepared close doors yourself, rather than wait to see what the person on the other side will do :/

**HUGS** Much love to you Single Momma!!
Keep trying, keep hope. Just be prepared. My sister and I are really hoping he comes around and you guys jump back on track and get to meeting each other finally!!! We're watching facebook for updates! haha *smooches!* :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Single Mom, I came across your blog just as this romance was beginning. I am also a single 40-something mom, doing online dating. What a relief to learn I am not the only one with stories to tell!

One thing I have learned is that trying to control or force an outcome in a relationship is not productive. I have learned that my responsibility lies with myself, my own feelings, behaviors and choices in the relationship. I can not control or change how *he* thinks or feels, and can not 'make' him 'be' what I want.

When I find myself trying to 'make' things happen, that is my cue that I am not with the right person. It shouldn't be so hard. Especially not so early on in a relationship.

*His* responsibility lies with himself. If he is feeling confused, fearful or unsure, that is his to own and manage within himself. His responsibility is with being honest and truthful to himself, which translates to honesty and truthful to me.

What I do with that 'truth' is up to me. If I don't feel 'good', it is up to ME, not him, to fix that. Maybe that means ending a relationship, or putting it on hold. Maybe it means relaxing my expectations, and accepting things as they are for now. As long as I feel good, then I am doing my part in the relationship.

The relationship will be what it will be regardless of what you 'do'. It will either fly or it won't. I believe these things are predetermined. So I have learned to stay in the moment, enjoy what it is today, relax and let it be. Regardless of the outcome, (that we can't force or predict), people come in and out of our lives to teach us something about ourselves. Enjoy the gift, and I hope the best outcome for you. The important thing is to take care of YOU. Listen to your gut at all times. That 'feeling' is trying to tell you something, even if it's a message you don't want to hear.

Good luck!