Wednesday, August 3, 2011
A Romance with a Reader: (Part 3) He fell for me and hasn't seen my face
Waking up the next morning felt like walking through a fog. Did last night’s conversation really happen or was it just a part of a dream? I never intended to get so close to someone who read my blog, let alone talk to a male reader in the middle of the night. We talked for nearly 3 hours and it was still difficult saying goodbye.
I already had a “good morning” text from him, thanking me for trusting him and telling me how great it was to finally talk to me. Through the past couple of months leading up to last night, I started to feel like he was my best friend and I could tell him anything. It happened so gradually and I dismissed his feelings when he’d subtly hint about them. I only allowed him to be my friend and we became so close, probably closer than if I would have entertained romantic feelings for him.
As I went through the day, my emotions were all over the place. I had to deal with my upsetting life issues yet it was so comforting to realize that someone cared for me so much. He is an extremely sweet, genuine and an amazing man, I had to give him a chance. It would only be fair.
He’s never seen my face and he has no doubt about his feelings. Could I trust that? My brain told me it was too farfetched, yet my heart wants to believe.
The feelings he had for me began from reading my words and the Twitter exchanges we had - 140 characters at a time. I of course, felt human insecurity that his feelings could be real or that he could somehow be disappointed. It was one of the first concerns I shared on the phone last night when he told me what he was feeling. He said “I don’t care what you look like I know what I feel and talking to you has only convinced me more. What you actually look like is only a bonus; I know who you are on the inside. If its ok with you, I’m going to keep texting you every morning and night, show you who I am, how much I care and let your feelings develop at your own pace.”
He said he knew he had real feelings after he read a post about a date with Latin Lover and felt true jealousy. Thinking back on it, I remembered that day so clearly. He sent me a sweet message about how much he enjoyed the post and how Latin Lover was a lucky man, but he never alluded to his true feelings. Several weeks have passed since I had written that post and he’s been hiding his feelings all along under a cloak of friendship.
He’s never seen me, touched me or kissed me, yet he professes feelings for me. Last night was the first time we’ve spoken. How could he really have such strong feelings for me? How could this be anything more than an infatuation? How could it be anything more than some kind of exaggerated emotional knee jerk reaction based on me making him laugh a few times and his feelings of being able to relate to my words. It would pass I told myself.
Morning breath, my impatience and my jiggly thighs were things that he’s never experienced for himself. I know the reality of me could never live up to whatever mental picture he’s created. I convince myself that when reality finally catches up with him that the fantasy will dissolve and it will all seem silly to him. I resolve myself to keep up a barrier of some kind but that resolution doesn’t last long, he keeps chipping away with every text, every phone call being sweeter somehow than the day before.
Through the day, we text and send messages online and we are different with each other, even closer somehow. We now have this immediate access with each other now, since he has my phone number. It’s really nice feeling like he’s with me to him all day long. We keep talking and texting as the days go along and we get even closer as our friendship starts morphing into more. We talk about meeting and how much we want to know what it would be like to be with each other and to finally kiss and to wake up next to each other.
When we talk on the phone, we chat for hours and never run out of things to say. When we hang up, we have this silly tradition of sending each other a text after, like the 2 hour phone call wasn’t enough.
He also started another nightly tradition, telling me to “dream a little dream” in his text goodnight to me. As I close my eyes to go off to sleep, I see his face, but what does he see??? ...he’s never seen mine.
The Single Mom
Note: I have a lot of writing to do to get you caught up to the present, this was about 10 days ago, so I'll be writing a lot about it. He still doesn't have a nickname yet...