Friday, September 30, 2011

First Date with Twitterguy: Drinks, Playful Conversation and Steamy Windows


After a recent broken long distance relationship, last night was a first date with someone I’d never met. We met on Twitter early in the summer, flirted a little and had a great rapport.   The timing for me was off; I was involved with someone and tried to set him up with one of my recently divorced girlfriends.  I invited him to meet up with us once when we were out getting drinks, but it didn’t work out.  She’s younger than me and really pretty, I thought they’d hit it off for some reason.
Fast forward to the present, he came back onto Twitter after a long break and now I’m available.   After catching up a little, and exchanging a few messages, the connection was still there.   He’s a smart, funny guy and couldn’t be more opposite the person I saw before him.   (For now, I’m going to call him “Twittterguy”.)  Twitterguy is a hands on kind of guy, mechanical, is a veteran and social.   Those are good things in my book, characteristics that I respect.
On the downside, I’m not sure he’s in a place to be in a “relationship” (yikes I said that scary word…)   However, I enjoyed talking to him and I wanted to keep an open mind about getting to know him and not overthink it. 
Over the past maybe week or so, he learned my real name, had my number, knew where I lived in relation to him and we talked for the first time.   We texted a lot over the week and it was friendly, funny and flirty.   He mentioned my friend and the picture I sent him of the both of us.   I apologized for her blowing him off and explained her situation.  It was really endearing when he said, “It’s ok I was really only interested in you anyway.”
Leading up to the date, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and writing about being happy and living life to the fullest.  I look back on my relationship with “The Reader” and how he lives an isolated life.   I think he’s addicted to television/reading and chooses these things over having a real life.   This was a startling realization to me and a peek into a very sad existence.
After I’ve had a chance to digest it, I’ve seen how that’s not how I want to live my life and have essentially challenged people who read my blog, and my followings on Twitter, Google + and Facebook to live their life, live with courage and to go for what's going to make you happy.
However, normal human insecurities were setting in as my date got closer, was I “ready” emotionally and I even tried to back up.   It occurred to me I’d be a hypocrite if I’ve been writing the past couple of weeks about living life and I ended up staying at home instead of getting back out there.   I kicked myself in the butt, and told myself it’s only one date, go out and have fun and don’t overthink it.
I had a busy day and dressed for work with a date being an afterthought.  I was dressed cute, maybe a little sexy but not vavavavoom.  I didn’t want to send the wrong message, so I was in jeans, a silky top, belted at the waist with a red belt and of course my sexy red heels.  
I left a meeting early to go to the date, and was surprised by a downpour that came out of nowhere.   I attempted to run to my car in my heels, got into my car and checked my damp hair and now running makeup.    Inside my car, it was now pouring and the drive that would have normally taken only 30 minutes to meet him now took an hour. 
It was an extremely slippery drive and traffic was moving so slowly and I kept questioning why I was doing this.   I texted him apologizing for my delay, but he was totally cool about it, and seemed more concerned about me getting there safely.
When I finally got there, we met up with each other and exchanged a quick hug.  It was hard to tell if there was a mutual attraction or not, but I knew we’d definitely enjoy talking to each other.   He was taller than I imagined and cute in person.  He made a crack about how short I am even in my high heels.  I shot him a faux mad face after he poked fun with me.
We met at a crowded and loud sports bar and had to search for a place to sit down.  Once we did, we ordered drinks and started chatting.  The conversation flowed easily and we talked about a lot of the things we’ve started talking about up until now.  We talked about our pasts, his time in the military, sports, cars, beer and movies that made us laugh. 
There was a lot of eye contact as we talked and I caught him a couple of times with his eyes wandering to my cleavage (whoops!).     We talked about both serious and funny things and it seemed like we were getting along well and flirting a little too.  I know as I was listening to him, I was wondering what he was thinking and if we would kiss or not at the end of the night.
He couldn’t decide what he wanted to order so I dared him to order whatever I chose for him, with my eyes closed and pointed randomly to a spot.  It was just a little playful challenge that he accepted and followed through on.   
We seemed to be getting along well, and about 2 hours into the night, he found a reason to put his hands over mine and hold them on the table.  It was finally the first real signal that he was attracted to me.   After that, the flirting became a little more obvious and we both exchanged a lot of smirks.  
After it was time to pay the check, we went to sit in my car and talk for a little while longer.   Walking out, of the now not so crowded restaurant, it was comforting to feel his hand on the small of my back, leading me to the door.  The rain had subsided and the night air was chilly. 
We both sat in my car and exchanged a couple of nervous laughs and lingering eye contact before our first kiss.   My head was in an awkward position and although the first kiss was nice, it seemed a little out of synch.   Luckily, kisses number 2 through maybe 100 that night seemed to get more into a groove (boom chicka wow wow). 
Our kisses became more and more passionate as we took breaks when people came back to their cars around us.    During one such break, he joked about noticing another guy’s name written on my windshield, now appearing because the windows were steamy.   It was written by a totally platonic guy friend as we were taking our kids somewhere a month or so ago.  I was so mad at him that night as he was doing it and told him to stop, but in his mischievous way snickered and continued.   (He enjoyed my text last night telling him that it did get seen in a date situation like I predicted it eventually would.)
As we talked in my car, "Twitterguy" told me how he was attracted to me from my pictures, but when he hugged me for the first time and smelled my perfume, he was done. 
It felt really great to be attractive to a new person, share a little passion with someone and enjoy an evening without feeling total regret in the morning.  It was definitely empowering and exactly what I needed to get back out there again.   I’m reasonably sure I’ll see him again but for today, it was a just fun date.  It might be just one night out, but it's a first step of living my life and looking for happiness... a whole lot better than sitting at home in my comfort zone.
Smooches,
The Single Mom

I hope you do something that pushes you just a little out of your comfort zone this weekend, just a little...




Monday, September 26, 2011

Choosing Happiness: Love and Sex for a Happier, Healthier Life


Being happy is something we all want, duh Captain Obvious, right?   I’ve realized that I truly want to be happy and to find the love of my life, I need to feel happiness within myself.   The old adage, love yourself before you can love someone else is so true.  I do love myself, yet there are several things that are causing me stress today and blocking me from being truly happy.
I’ve been thinking about all this because I know I want love (and sex) in my life and yet my impulse is to lock it out and not try to put myself out there anymore.  Not that it’s a bad thing to take a break for awhile but I know it’s only going to block out future happiness if I do it too long.
Somehow, I’ve run into this expression a lot lately that there are only two emotions: fear and love, every other emotion we have a name for is just a derivative of either fear or love.  The more I’ve thought of it the more sense it makes.   Fear causes emotions like: anger, anxiety, guilt and sadness.   We feel all of those things in their own unique way, yet they are all rooted in fear somehow.  When we experience one of these feelings, our body produces a hormone called cortisol as a defense of these emotions.  Unfortunately, cortisol has a negative effect on our health at large, it increases high blood pressure, pain and decreases libido.  
On the other hand Love causes emotions like: contentment, joy, compassion and caring.   When we feel love, our body produces oxytocin and our body reacts by reducing blood pressure, pain and increasing libido, to name only a few.  (For more information see:  http://www.entelechyjournal.com/robinsonwilson.htm) “In Love & Survival, Dr. Dean Ornish points out that love and intimacy are such powerful determinants of health that if they were produced in pill form, doctors who failed to prescribe them for unhealthy patients would be guilty of malpractice.” (from enetelechyjournal.com)
If we are experiencing and giving love, the more open we are to not only feeling better but having better overall health.  We are also more likely to have sex, which of course reduces stress.  What better incentive could there be to have sex than that?   So in essence what this is saying is that if you’re feeling love and having sex then your life is exponentially happier.   It just keeps multiplying, the positive emotions just keep growing, the fear is minimized and your health is better.
Once I realized all this, it made me see that my impulse of withdrawing myself to avoid fear would only end up hurting me more in the future.   Although I’m obviously not a shrink, I’d bet a fifth of vodka and a hundred bucks that when people feel like this, it’s probably when they are most vulnerable to addictions like gambling.   People are trying to block out the fear with things like drugs, hoarding, overeating, or excessive television, addictive sex,  etc distract people from their pain temporarily.   Unfortunately, they only damage relationships more, create more distance and make a bad situation even worse.    Distractions like this also keep our bodies from producing oxytocin, and harm our health.
Knowing this helped me to detach myself when someone strikes out at me.  If someone is lashing out at me, it probably means they are afraid of something and this is their way of coping with it.   For example, last week I was devastated about losing my relationship with “The Reader” and I told him how sad I was.  He totally flipped out, screamed and was furious with me.  That anger made me bat shit crazy and we ended up hating each other.  Now that I can take a step back and see it for what it is.  I realize he probably felt guilty or responsible in some way for my sadness but couldn’t deal with those emotions in a healthy way. 
It made me realize that I also need to reduce my own personal stress.   I’ve been a freaked out little train wreck of stress the past few months.   I’ve been working  25/8 and probably only making my stress worse on myself and those who love me.  Yet, I haven’t done a lot to dig to the core of what’s really bothering me.    So, that’s what I did over the weekend, I started making a list of the stressors in my life, made some goals and started by doing some small things now to start attacking them.   
I realize I’m not saying anything totally new here, you may have read some of this material before, but maybe not in a dating/relationship context.   We truly need love and sex to survive, so let’s hug it out and love it out.  I’m trying to save your life here by lovin you up…  I’m a giver like that, what can I say?
Smooches,
The Single Mom


Friday, September 23, 2011

Choosing Happiness: I Want Love and Good Sex, What do YOU Want?


I’ve written and rewritten this post several times “The Reader” and I ended up having a very bitter and angry breakup.  It hurts a lot and I regret that we both let it happen.    We were friends first, became extremely close and that grew into a long distance romance.  
He wanted to be with me, move here and be in my life, he promised those things to me and I fell in love with him based on those promises.  After all this time, he didn’t do what he said he was going to do, broke my heart and we ended on really bad terms.
I wrote the bitchiest posts about him when I was angry.  It takes a whole lot to piss me off but I was on fire and I wrote some really bitchy things.  When it came time to post them I couldn’t.  It just didn’t seem right, bitchy but it wasn’t right.  I would have been happy in the moment but it would have made me feel remorseful down the road.     
Here’s the deal… I want to be happy.  However, being happy means choosing things that are going to make me happy, both in the moment and in the future.  Losing this person in my life caused me to step back, dig deep and look at my life long and hard.   Truth is he wouldn’t have fit into my life.    I’m a strong woman and I need a strong man.   He is middle aged, lives with a parent, they both work and he has never had to stand on his own like I have.   
The things in his life that stress him out are minor compared to mine.  One time for example, he was freaking out over buying a laptop and he spent 2 weekends being wound up about it.   He had a working laptop, had the money to buy a new one, and yet was wigging out about finding a new one.    In my life, I manage two teenage boys and their lives, about 3 careers, a big house, a lot of friends.   My life is a blur of work, lunches to pack, clothes to wash, running a kid to the doctor unexpectedly or dragging my ass to Walgreens at 2 am for medicine.  The stuff that stresses me out is bigger than shopping for something that I already have.
My life has a lot of complications and I take care of a lot of things, mostly on my own.  He lives in a protected bubble compared to the world I live in.    I don’t watch much tv, I don’t have time to because my life is so full, he watches tv INSTEAD of having a life.  I don’t intend that to sound bitchy, but it’s true.      
I think at the beginning he wanted all of the things that having a life with me would mean and then somewhere along the way chose the path of staying where he was.   He chose the easy road and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as he’s happy now AND in the future.   I just know me and I know that I wouldn’t be happy with someone who wanted so little out of life.
Although I was upset about his decision, I had to take a look at myself to see what I want.  The answer is I want a happy life:  I want love and I want a relationship that has mind blowing sex.  There I said it, does that make me a bad person?  I don’t care if it does, it’s true.    I want ALL those things, and I function better when I have love and great sex.   I’m not going to stop until I get what I want.
I had to look at myself and every single decision I make as a way of getting me the things I want.   I certainly don’t have all the answers I’m just asking questions and digging for the truth. 
Ironically, after this breakup, many people from Twitter and my readers have reached out to me that they are struggling with the same things.   So, I felt like it was really important to write about this and I think it will take a few or more posts to cover it.   Fortunately, I met a friend recently who thinks so much like I do.  She taught me the concepts I’m about to share with you about choosing to be happy.  It’s life changing to me and I hope it helps you too.
Here it is in a nutshell.  If you want to be happy, you have to choose to be happy.  Read over that again, because it’s very important.   You have to choose to be happy. 
This is the thing, to have happiness in the present sometimes you have to deal with the shit sandwich that life served you today.  It sucks, its gonna happen… you forget to pay something, your boss is an ass, your basement flooded.   Yes those things suck, no getting around all that.  Yet, if you have happiness and love in your life, it can make that shit sandwich a whole lot more tasty.
We also have to look to the future, if we don’t have the big things in our life that will make us happy we have to do things in the present to get us closer to that.
So we have to try to be as happy in the present while keeping the future in mind too.  Sometimes, you have to hold on to a small piece of happiness in the today, like laughter, something of beauty or something yummy as long as that thing isn’t taking away your future happiness. 
I’m going to tackle it and I ask you to do it alongside me if you want.   I’ve started making a list of the things I want to improve about myself and what I will need to do to have future happiness.   Here are some of the questions I’m asking myself.

1.       Who do I want to be? What will make me happy?
2.       What do I want in 5 years?  What do I want in 10?
3.       What are 3 small things I can do this month to move me closer to my long term goals?
4.       Is this decision I’m making this very moment going to make me happy today, but steal from my future happiness?
5.       Am I putting people in my life who will contribute to my happiness or depreciate it? 

I hope you’ll share with me your journey.   These are some of the questions I’m asking myself.   I’ll share some of the work I’m doing as I go.   Thank you so much for reading and NOT sharing if you had good sex with me right now ok?  I’m not bitter or anything, ok maybe a little. 
Smooches,

The Single Mom

Saturday, September 17, 2011

A Glass or Two of Wine and a Kiss or Two with an Old Flame


Everything about him was the same, except he seemed a little sad at first.    It had been several months since I’d seen Southerngent and I wasn’t sure exactly why I finally agreed to see him.  
It was a spontaneous decision after he literally has been pursuing me for about 6 weeks.    His first contact was very benign and friendly after I told him I wasn’t available at the moment.  He scaled back his texting to just simple hellos, just keeping in touch.  Recently, when things started to unravel in my relationship, I began entertaining Southerngent’s texting with a little more interest. 
Important caveat right here, I’m not keen on second chances and I was careful to tell him so.   However, we agreed to talk as friends and I thought I should make myself go out.   I’ve been wrapped up in a long distance relationship and not sure it was a good thing.   I was careful to explain to Southerngent that although he had strong feelings for me in the past, I wasn’t necessarily able to get back to that place now or maybe ever.  If he was willing to meet me after I said that, I’d consider meeting him sometime.
I didn’t really consider that same day as the “sometime” I pictured but when he offered to meet me at The Wine Bar, it sounded like a great idea.   I told myself I should just go or else I’d talk myself out of it.
It felt good to get dressed for a date again and to primp just a little.    I wore my hair up, long shiny earrings, a simple black off the shoulder sweater, jeans and heels.  I purposefully didn’t want to look like I’d fussed a lot, and I truly didn’t.   A quick spray of vanilla perfume and I was out the door driving to meet him.
As I drove to the wine bar, I tried to convince myself this was a good idea and I needed to do it.   I pulled into a parking space next to him and we exchanged casual waves acknowledging seeing each other.   
He walked quickly over to meet me and hugged me tight, not wanting to let go.    As he pulled back, he handed me a little teddy bear with a tag that said, “I’m Sorry”.    It was a sweet gesture and I told him it wasn’t necessary. 
We went into the wine bar and sat in the same little loveseat as the first time we met.    I loved the cozy, library environment of this place and felt so comfortable instantly.   A familiar waiter came, took our orders and had our Cabernets there quickly.
Between sips of wine, we talked.  He started by apologizing for being distant after he lost his job.    We talked about our kids and our summers, my writing, his new job and it was enjoyable to get caught up.   I had to consciously make myself uncross my arms and relax after the first several minutes.   I knew him and trusted him, but I wasn’t going to open up completely to him, however I didn’t need to protect myself.     The wine tasted great and I started relaxing more into the loveseat.
We were both starting to laugh as we talked.   It was exactly what we needed to do to break the ice and I’m sure the Cabernet helped us immensely.   Actually, we were laughing very hard as we tried to figure out what the people around us were talking about and why they were there.
A break in the conversation, and he said, I’d forgotten how much I loved hearing you laugh and how beautiful you are.  I nervously played with my earring as I tried to gracefully accept his compliment.
As I turned to pick up my wine glass, there was a fresh glass before me.   I looked at him suspiciously and he casually shrugged.    The wine and the soft jazz both helped make me feel relaxed and the evening passed quickly.   It was getting dark outside before I even looked at the time on my cell phone.    I also noticed I had an unread text message but chose to ignore it.
The night went so fast, it was almost 10:00 and I really need to get back home to the boys.   He motioned for our check and we talked about how good it was to catch back up.    I agreed as we headed out to our cars, as he casually placed his hand in the small of my back.  
Ironically, we were in just about the same spot as the first time we kissed.  It was much darker tonight and I was less open to his physical advances as I was on our first date.   I still hadn’t decided to take him out of the friend zone and wasn’t sure I could, a lot of time has passed and I wasn’t sure I could let feelings like that happen again, Cabernet or not.
He said how foolish he was to let me go in the first place, how he regretted it and how he’d do everything he could to show me he would be the man I needed him to be.   My arms crossed over my chest communicated how I was feeling, but I said it was good seeing him and this was a good first step, but I didn’t want to make him think I could be anything but a friend to him again.
He asked if he could give me a little hug and a kiss and I nodded.  He pulled me tightly to him as he kissed me gently.  Having his lips on mine again felt really wonderful and I suddenly felt warm from the inside out as we continued kissing.   I got so lost kissing him it was almost hard to hold my balance in the heels I was wearing.    
We said our goodbyes and I drove home listening to jazz, continuing the cozy feeling I had.   When I got home, I looked down at my phone to see new texts, one from “The Reader” and one from Southerngent that just said “WOW”.  I laughed as I slid the phone into my pocket, opening the door to a quiet home and my youngest son, greeting me with “Hi mom, did you have fun” from upstairs.
I felt pretty satisfied with myself for venturing out as I kicked off my shoes,  put my keys down and walked upstairs to talk to him.
Smooches,

The Single Mom

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Breakup Post Mortem and Lessons Learned


It’s 2:00 am and I’m awake.  Sleep seems completely unrealistic.    I can’t stop processing the loss of my relationship with “The Reader”.   It’s like mourning a death, you have moments where you’re ok then moments of sadness or anger that hit you unexpectedly.    It can be a memory triggered by a sound, smell or a song, or whatever.
I’m alone with my thoughts now listening to the sounds of crickets chirping on a late summer night.  They sound exactly how they did the first night I spoke to him.   That first night, we talked several hours almost until our alarm clocks went off to wake us up for the day.  I know we only both slept for an hour or so that night but floated the next day on the excitement and anticipation about what the future could be for us.
When he first told me he loved me, as much as I’d love to say I felt wonderful, it truly made my stomach feel tied in knots immediately.  Real romantic, huh?  Looks like I’m not going to write any Harlequin romance novels anytime soon, so I’ll leave the bodice ripping to other writers.   Come to think of it, I don’t think I even have a bodice, so I’m probably not up to snuff for that job anyway.  
I’ve taken this breakup much harder than usual.  The paradox here is that although our feelings were so intense for each other, we’d never been in the same room never touched, never kissed our only face to face interactions were via Skype.    Never having that physical contact in one way makes the healing easier yet, the emotional closeness of us was so intense.
His emotions for me grew over time and when we finally started talking his emotions bubbled out of him with childlike excitement.  I was much more cautious and reserved.  I asked a lot of questions, I didn’t want to jump in to a risky situation.  
We became close and romantic pretty fast after we started talking. He was the one who started saying “forever”, he wanted to wake up next to me and he began the conversations about all the simple routines of life we’d do together.
Our closeness remained, yet somewhere along the way the dreaming faded.  I can’t remember when it happened exactly over the past couple of months but it just did.  We still talked every day, expressed our love for each other yet he stopped talking about meeting me and spending his life with me.  I was confused and grew more bitter by the day.   After walking on eggshells for a few weeks, I finally couldn’t take it anymore and burst.
I became very angry and felt like he had taken my heart for a ride.  He didn’t keep his promises and then yanked the rug out from under me. 
Although I’m far from perfect, I honestly felt like I gave him the best of me.  I showed him my love every day I was patient and put him above most things in my life.   It would almost be easier to understand if I felt like I had done something terribly wrong, but I didn’t. 
The only thing he goes back to is that we are so different, yet I can’t accept that as a reason.  In this situation, he clearly was privy to know almost everything about me.   He knew I had kids, he knew of my past and the way I process things.  In the beginning that was what attracted me to him, he said.   I had all these layers and depth.    Now it’s what divides us.   I can’t understand it and I’m not sure I ever will. 
And although I’ve enjoyed every day he’s been a part of my life in retrospect,  I’m paying this high emotional price and wishing he didn’t make so many promises .   My heart was recalibrated for forever.  I started to hope again.  Somehow, the past 6 years of dating, disappointment and heartbreak felt worthwhile when he said he loved me and wanted to be with me forever.
I can say that the past few days have been an emotional rollercoaster.  There have been moments of strength and “his loss” and bravado… to moments of despair and literally wanting to crawl into a corner and quietly stop breathing.   This loss is a profound one, felt deep into my soul.  
Tonight, I’m alone with my thoughts remembering all of the things we talked about doing in the future, the Christmases we’d spend, how he said he couldn’t wait to show me off at his class reunion next year and just simply cooking dinner together.   I’m sad to never be able to open my eyes in the morning and see him next to me and also seeing where the exciting sexual connection we shared would go. 
I feel alone in a way I don’t know if I’ve ever felt before.  With him, it all fit, it all made sense.    I’m sure eventually I’ll feel better about this… however now I wish it would never have happened.  It harmed me in a profound way.   Literally when I met him, I was pulling away from Latin Lover, took myself off the dating site to take a break and was charging forward with my writing and work projects.    Today, I feel lost inside and I would have been better off to have given myself that attention instead of giving it to someone else.
A part of me says to go back out on a date very soon.  I remember the advice of my dad when I had my first car accident at 18 years old he made me drive home after.   Maybe I need to go on a date because if I don’t I’ll find excuses not to.   A month will become six months then a year before I know it.
A few ex’s have been in contact with me, but one in particular over the past 2 months has been persistent, even though I told him I was seeing someone.   Maybe the best thing for me to do is put on something sexy and go meet him for a drink and keep it simple.   If the date is horrible, I drive home via the route that passes the cat shelter and adopt 50 cats and never look back again…  I don’t know.   
The truth is I have a lot to offer, I truly believe that.   I also need affection, to be loved and I won’t settle for anything less than that.    I’m not settling for scraps, I’m going to wait for my filet mignon. 
I'll be going out more, meeting new people and maybe even thinking about online dating again.  I just won't be rushing into anything fast, that much I do know.
I realize there are silver linings in these rain clouds and I am beginning to see them.   Probably the biggest is that once I wasn’t getting what I needed and wanted I stood up and demanded it.  I gave him the chance to fix it, but I didn’t let it continue indefinitely.   In the next few days I’m going to dig deep and create something positive out of this mess.  I have to, it’s who I am.
Thank you so much for reading and all of your well wishes, they mean so much!
Smooches,

The Single Mom 

Note: I gave him a chance to read this to make sure I wasn't inaccurate or harsh.  Although I'm extremely angry and I'd love to lash out right now, it wouldn't solve anything.  He thought it was fair and I'm relieved to publish it and put it in the past.  

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

A Romance with a Reader: The Last Chapter???




Thank you for being patient, I had technical difficulties... this was written last Friday...


From the tone of his texts, I could tell he was irritated. Today was the first day we had been making headway, after several frustrating days of broken communications. He apologized for being stressed out and distant, thanked me for sticking through the past several days with him. However, within the course of a few hours he was irritated with me again.

Unfortunately, I can’t get over him slowing down about meeting me. I’ve tried to put it behind me, but I can’t let it go completely. It was a part of our original conversation when he asked me to try to open up my feelings to him that we’d meet soon and it all sounded great. If I would have thought that we wouldn’t meet soon, I would have been much more hesitant about moving forward, a lot.

Fast forward several weeks and a lot of life stress… the talk of meeting slowed down and it was a sore subject for me to even bring up.

He called me Thursday night and we talked things through, he was angry at first and as we talked about our feelings, his anger started to subside. We both took turns apologizing, we talked about how difficult the situation was from the beginning and how his intent was so different than the outcome.

All along, his words were committed, sweet and thoughtful. He always showed how much he cared about and wanted me. However, actions were a different story. I hate to make all the “I told you so” readers have a victory here, but you did and I guess you were right. It seemed to be perfect in every way except the way that really mattered, being together in person.

I don’t doubt his feelings for me. I guess our feelings are as valid as they possibly can be for not meeting. However the reality is that we’re not moving forward. Granted the door is open a crack, but I’m not great at second chances. If I wasn’t enough the first time around, then why would I be enough the second time? I don’t let a lot of people get close to me and I let a whole lot less in a second time.

At the end of the conversation, I was in tears and I felt like I had failed. After we hung up, I cried until I went to sleep and only slept for a couple of hours at a time, waking up way before my alarm and not being able to go back to sleep.

Yet, I know I gave a lot and tried to put him first as much as possible. After sleeping on it, I can’t feel regret. I shouldn’t feel badly about wanting what I deserve, and I don’t.

I do apologize to you about not writing a post in the past week. This situation has been so back and forth and now I finally feel some resolution. I didn’t want to leave it hanging totally. Secondly, I’ve been really busy trying to getting some work projects. Things are going well and lots of things are falling into place, finally.

If you thought my nerdiness only existed on dates, nope… I accidentaly walked out the door for an interview wearing different black pumps. I had to buy a new pair on the way, so ya I’m goin for dork gold, and pretty sure I’m the champ. Go me!

Thanks for your patience, I appreciate it so much. It’s been an emotionally draining week. Thank you so much!

Smooches,

The Single Mom