Thursday, September 15, 2011

Breakup Post Mortem and Lessons Learned

It’s 2:00 am and I’m awake.  Sleep seems completely unrealistic.    I can’t stop processing the loss of my relationship with “The Reader”.   It’s like mourning a death, you have moments where you’re ok then moments of sadness or anger that hit you unexpectedly.    It can be a memory triggered by a sound, smell or a song, or whatever.
I’m alone with my thoughts now listening to the sounds of crickets chirping on a late summer night.  They sound exactly how they did the first night I spoke to him.   That first night, we talked several hours almost until our alarm clocks went off to wake us up for the day.  I know we only both slept for an hour or so that night but floated the next day on the excitement and anticipation about what the future could be for us.
When he first told me he loved me, as much as I’d love to say I felt wonderful, it truly made my stomach feel tied in knots immediately.  Real romantic, huh?  Looks like I’m not going to write any Harlequin romance novels anytime soon, so I’ll leave the bodice ripping to other writers.   Come to think of it, I don’t think I even have a bodice, so I’m probably not up to snuff for that job anyway.  
I’ve taken this breakup much harder than usual.  The paradox here is that although our feelings were so intense for each other, we’d never been in the same room never touched, never kissed our only face to face interactions were via Skype.    Never having that physical contact in one way makes the healing easier yet, the emotional closeness of us was so intense.
His emotions for me grew over time and when we finally started talking his emotions bubbled out of him with childlike excitement.  I was much more cautious and reserved.  I asked a lot of questions, I didn’t want to jump in to a risky situation.  
We became close and romantic pretty fast after we started talking. He was the one who started saying “forever”, he wanted to wake up next to me and he began the conversations about all the simple routines of life we’d do together.
Our closeness remained, yet somewhere along the way the dreaming faded.  I can’t remember when it happened exactly over the past couple of months but it just did.  We still talked every day, expressed our love for each other yet he stopped talking about meeting me and spending his life with me.  I was confused and grew more bitter by the day.   After walking on eggshells for a few weeks, I finally couldn’t take it anymore and burst.
I became very angry and felt like he had taken my heart for a ride.  He didn’t keep his promises and then yanked the rug out from under me. 
Although I’m far from perfect, I honestly felt like I gave him the best of me.  I showed him my love every day I was patient and put him above most things in my life.   It would almost be easier to understand if I felt like I had done something terribly wrong, but I didn’t. 
The only thing he goes back to is that we are so different, yet I can’t accept that as a reason.  In this situation, he clearly was privy to know almost everything about me.   He knew I had kids, he knew of my past and the way I process things.  In the beginning that was what attracted me to him, he said.   I had all these layers and depth.    Now it’s what divides us.   I can’t understand it and I’m not sure I ever will. 
And although I’ve enjoyed every day he’s been a part of my life in retrospect,  I’m paying this high emotional price and wishing he didn’t make so many promises .   My heart was recalibrated for forever.  I started to hope again.  Somehow, the past 6 years of dating, disappointment and heartbreak felt worthwhile when he said he loved me and wanted to be with me forever.
I can say that the past few days have been an emotional rollercoaster.  There have been moments of strength and “his loss” and bravado… to moments of despair and literally wanting to crawl into a corner and quietly stop breathing.   This loss is a profound one, felt deep into my soul.  
Tonight, I’m alone with my thoughts remembering all of the things we talked about doing in the future, the Christmases we’d spend, how he said he couldn’t wait to show me off at his class reunion next year and just simply cooking dinner together.   I’m sad to never be able to open my eyes in the morning and see him next to me and also seeing where the exciting sexual connection we shared would go. 
I feel alone in a way I don’t know if I’ve ever felt before.  With him, it all fit, it all made sense.    I’m sure eventually I’ll feel better about this… however now I wish it would never have happened.  It harmed me in a profound way.   Literally when I met him, I was pulling away from Latin Lover, took myself off the dating site to take a break and was charging forward with my writing and work projects.    Today, I feel lost inside and I would have been better off to have given myself that attention instead of giving it to someone else.
A part of me says to go back out on a date very soon.  I remember the advice of my dad when I had my first car accident at 18 years old he made me drive home after.   Maybe I need to go on a date because if I don’t I’ll find excuses not to.   A month will become six months then a year before I know it.
A few ex’s have been in contact with me, but one in particular over the past 2 months has been persistent, even though I told him I was seeing someone.   Maybe the best thing for me to do is put on something sexy and go meet him for a drink and keep it simple.   If the date is horrible, I drive home via the route that passes the cat shelter and adopt 50 cats and never look back again…  I don’t know.   
The truth is I have a lot to offer, I truly believe that.   I also need affection, to be loved and I won’t settle for anything less than that.    I’m not settling for scraps, I’m going to wait for my filet mignon. 
I'll be going out more, meeting new people and maybe even thinking about online dating again.  I just won't be rushing into anything fast, that much I do know.
I realize there are silver linings in these rain clouds and I am beginning to see them.   Probably the biggest is that once I wasn’t getting what I needed and wanted I stood up and demanded it.  I gave him the chance to fix it, but I didn’t let it continue indefinitely.   In the next few days I’m going to dig deep and create something positive out of this mess.  I have to, it’s who I am.
Thank you so much for reading and all of your well wishes, they mean so much!

The Single Mom 

Note: I gave him a chance to read this to make sure I wasn't inaccurate or harsh.  Although I'm extremely angry and I'd love to lash out right now, it wouldn't solve anything.  He thought it was fair and I'm relieved to publish it and put it in the past.  


Jenniffer said...

:'( **hugs* I'm so sorry.. But I'm very proud of you for taking a stand for yourself. You deserve so much better and have so so so much to offer. I don't know why men refuse to see this. They more often than not, throw away a real good woman.. and find themselves regretting it down the road. A handful of my exes are seeing this and stirring up now, lol. Keep your head up :) You're going places! I'm excited about you and your book!!!!!!!!!
*hugs* Much love!!!

Linda said...

Ok, I've read everything ...every single chapter to this ordeal.

FIRST of are such a brave and wonderful soul to open up to this guy after all that you've been through...then, even braver yet to put it out here for public consumption.

SECOND of risked. BRAVO. So many just hide away and are afraid. So, you threw caution to the wind and you risked having this relationship. I'm a 4 year single mom, and I didn't date for all that time...I know how hard it is to put it out there when you've been hurt.

THIRDLY...and I cannot emphasize this enough...but the guy was a FREAK. Sorry. Who promises love then refuses to meet you? Really? What a jackass...what an absolute tool. It's that old adage: When they show you who they are, believe them.

LASTLY...get rid of his numbers, etc. Chalk it up to experience...walk down another street. I know you're raw...but f*** that. You only live once.

My story? Found the man of my dreams right under my nose after 4 long, hard years. We have hard times. We take breaks...BUT HE DOES NOT LIE...and this guy? he does.

You judged him by his personality, and not his character. You judged him by the sweet things he said and did. You did not judge him by his character...a man who would take a woman on a ride so quickly, then back off.

Sorry. He's not worth your time.


singlemom said...

Thanks ladies for your comments, it's been really hard and I appreciate you both reaching out to me.

Linda, I'm in a weird place with the feelings you've shared. One part of me, wanted to trash him and everything about him. It was honestly very difficult not to do that.

I can see your points and I can't really defend him because I don't respect what he chose. The only redeeming element is that he truly does regret his actions, but that does nothing to change anything. I'm still a mess and I'm trying to get through this the best way I can.

I do appreciate you reading and taking time to share your thoughts with me because it's so hard for me to be objective about it sometimes. I'm so glad you found happiness, I really am.



Linda said...

Dear SMDD,

Just because he's sorry he ran over your foot, doesn't mean your toe doesn't still hurt.

Take some time. It hurts. But, you my dear, are a ROCKSTAR!

singlemom said...

Linda, thank you so much for your comment today, it meant so much to me.

I'm trying so hard to look hard at myself and learn from my mistakes. I just don't know how I can be any more careful of my heart except to just never allow anyone in again. I don't want to be like that, but I know I'll need time to make sense of this mess.

Thank you again, so much!



DavidRayDog said...

Love you Single Mom ~ so very sorry (and pissed) this happened.