Tuesday, September 13, 2011

A Romance with a Reader: The Last Chapter???

Thank you for being patient, I had technical difficulties... this was written last Friday...

From the tone of his texts, I could tell he was irritated. Today was the first day we had been making headway, after several frustrating days of broken communications. He apologized for being stressed out and distant, thanked me for sticking through the past several days with him. However, within the course of a few hours he was irritated with me again.

Unfortunately, I can’t get over him slowing down about meeting me. I’ve tried to put it behind me, but I can’t let it go completely. It was a part of our original conversation when he asked me to try to open up my feelings to him that we’d meet soon and it all sounded great. If I would have thought that we wouldn’t meet soon, I would have been much more hesitant about moving forward, a lot.

Fast forward several weeks and a lot of life stress… the talk of meeting slowed down and it was a sore subject for me to even bring up.

He called me Thursday night and we talked things through, he was angry at first and as we talked about our feelings, his anger started to subside. We both took turns apologizing, we talked about how difficult the situation was from the beginning and how his intent was so different than the outcome.

All along, his words were committed, sweet and thoughtful. He always showed how much he cared about and wanted me. However, actions were a different story. I hate to make all the “I told you so” readers have a victory here, but you did and I guess you were right. It seemed to be perfect in every way except the way that really mattered, being together in person.

I don’t doubt his feelings for me. I guess our feelings are as valid as they possibly can be for not meeting. However the reality is that we’re not moving forward. Granted the door is open a crack, but I’m not great at second chances. If I wasn’t enough the first time around, then why would I be enough the second time? I don’t let a lot of people get close to me and I let a whole lot less in a second time.

At the end of the conversation, I was in tears and I felt like I had failed. After we hung up, I cried until I went to sleep and only slept for a couple of hours at a time, waking up way before my alarm and not being able to go back to sleep.

Yet, I know I gave a lot and tried to put him first as much as possible. After sleeping on it, I can’t feel regret. I shouldn’t feel badly about wanting what I deserve, and I don’t.

I do apologize to you about not writing a post in the past week. This situation has been so back and forth and now I finally feel some resolution. I didn’t want to leave it hanging totally. Secondly, I’ve been really busy trying to getting some work projects. Things are going well and lots of things are falling into place, finally.

If you thought my nerdiness only existed on dates, nope… I accidentaly walked out the door for an interview wearing different black pumps. I had to buy a new pair on the way, so ya I’m goin for dork gold, and pretty sure I’m the champ. Go me!

Thanks for your patience, I appreciate it so much. It’s been an emotionally draining week. Thank you so much!


The Single Mom

1 comment:

singlemom said...

Next post... getting you up to date - it's not pretty, I took it very hard... next time.