Friday, September 23, 2011

Choosing Happiness: I Want Love and Good Sex, What do YOU Want?

I’ve written and rewritten this post several times “The Reader” and I ended up having a very bitter and angry breakup.  It hurts a lot and I regret that we both let it happen.    We were friends first, became extremely close and that grew into a long distance romance.  
He wanted to be with me, move here and be in my life, he promised those things to me and I fell in love with him based on those promises.  After all this time, he didn’t do what he said he was going to do, broke my heart and we ended on really bad terms.
I wrote the bitchiest posts about him when I was angry.  It takes a whole lot to piss me off but I was on fire and I wrote some really bitchy things.  When it came time to post them I couldn’t.  It just didn’t seem right, bitchy but it wasn’t right.  I would have been happy in the moment but it would have made me feel remorseful down the road.     
Here’s the deal… I want to be happy.  However, being happy means choosing things that are going to make me happy, both in the moment and in the future.  Losing this person in my life caused me to step back, dig deep and look at my life long and hard.   Truth is he wouldn’t have fit into my life.    I’m a strong woman and I need a strong man.   He is middle aged, lives with a parent, they both work and he has never had to stand on his own like I have.   
The things in his life that stress him out are minor compared to mine.  One time for example, he was freaking out over buying a laptop and he spent 2 weekends being wound up about it.   He had a working laptop, had the money to buy a new one, and yet was wigging out about finding a new one.    In my life, I manage two teenage boys and their lives, about 3 careers, a big house, a lot of friends.   My life is a blur of work, lunches to pack, clothes to wash, running a kid to the doctor unexpectedly or dragging my ass to Walgreens at 2 am for medicine.  The stuff that stresses me out is bigger than shopping for something that I already have.
My life has a lot of complications and I take care of a lot of things, mostly on my own.  He lives in a protected bubble compared to the world I live in.    I don’t watch much tv, I don’t have time to because my life is so full, he watches tv INSTEAD of having a life.  I don’t intend that to sound bitchy, but it’s true.      
I think at the beginning he wanted all of the things that having a life with me would mean and then somewhere along the way chose the path of staying where he was.   He chose the easy road and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as he’s happy now AND in the future.   I just know me and I know that I wouldn’t be happy with someone who wanted so little out of life.
Although I was upset about his decision, I had to take a look at myself to see what I want.  The answer is I want a happy life:  I want love and I want a relationship that has mind blowing sex.  There I said it, does that make me a bad person?  I don’t care if it does, it’s true.    I want ALL those things, and I function better when I have love and great sex.   I’m not going to stop until I get what I want.
I had to look at myself and every single decision I make as a way of getting me the things I want.   I certainly don’t have all the answers I’m just asking questions and digging for the truth. 
Ironically, after this breakup, many people from Twitter and my readers have reached out to me that they are struggling with the same things.   So, I felt like it was really important to write about this and I think it will take a few or more posts to cover it.   Fortunately, I met a friend recently who thinks so much like I do.  She taught me the concepts I’m about to share with you about choosing to be happy.  It’s life changing to me and I hope it helps you too.
Here it is in a nutshell.  If you want to be happy, you have to choose to be happy.  Read over that again, because it’s very important.   You have to choose to be happy. 
This is the thing, to have happiness in the present sometimes you have to deal with the shit sandwich that life served you today.  It sucks, its gonna happen… you forget to pay something, your boss is an ass, your basement flooded.   Yes those things suck, no getting around all that.  Yet, if you have happiness and love in your life, it can make that shit sandwich a whole lot more tasty.
We also have to look to the future, if we don’t have the big things in our life that will make us happy we have to do things in the present to get us closer to that.
So we have to try to be as happy in the present while keeping the future in mind too.  Sometimes, you have to hold on to a small piece of happiness in the today, like laughter, something of beauty or something yummy as long as that thing isn’t taking away your future happiness. 
I’m going to tackle it and I ask you to do it alongside me if you want.   I’ve started making a list of the things I want to improve about myself and what I will need to do to have future happiness.   Here are some of the questions I’m asking myself.

1.       Who do I want to be? What will make me happy?
2.       What do I want in 5 years?  What do I want in 10?
3.       What are 3 small things I can do this month to move me closer to my long term goals?
4.       Is this decision I’m making this very moment going to make me happy today, but steal from my future happiness?
5.       Am I putting people in my life who will contribute to my happiness or depreciate it? 

I hope you’ll share with me your journey.   These are some of the questions I’m asking myself.   I’ll share some of the work I’m doing as I go.   Thank you so much for reading and NOT sharing if you had good sex with me right now ok?  I’m not bitter or anything, ok maybe a little. 

The Single Mom


Linda said...

Oh honey...the best is yet to come.


Jenniffer said...

:) Very well said! I've been undergoing a very similar 'Ah-hah!' month lol..If all goes well today, I'll be one step closer to to my happiness :)
Keep up the work, keep your head up, keep smiling, always look for the positive, even if you have to scrub the grime off it..
Here's to Happiness!! ;)

singlemom said...

Thanks, Linda. I have to believe that, I just do. Hugs, SM

singlemom said...

Thanks, Jenniffer... I'm curious about what your aha thing is... do tell because you have some good stuff. Here's to happiness! SM

Jenniffer said...

lol In a nut shell this is my ah-hah! realization...

I'm not happy in my dating life lately, because I'm not dating on my level. I realized that the guys I've been seeing, are what back in high school we called "scrubs". The guys are either unemployed, have no car or license, living with their parents, with no reason to other than that they have no ambition to do better, or have a felony record that keeps going nowhere.

Once I realized that I haven't been giving time to the men that actually have the qualities I'm looking for, I realized why. I'm lacking a few myself. I realized that because my kids & I are living with my dad & I'm having a hard time finding another job & am a broke momma.. I've lowered my standard for partners.. because I feel inadequate compared to my normal circle now. I have unconsciously classified myself as 'not good enough' and steered away from them for fear of them judging me the way I've been judging myself. And in doing so, I find myself frustrated with the loser men I've been chatting up & disappointed by.

I probably sat at home for an entire day thinking about this & wondering when & where my mind went from seeking out suitable men, to bums, because of how I feel about my own situation. This has sparked my new goals. I've been using this past month to turn things around. Hitting the pavement a LOT harder by flooding places with applications, keeping busier with my children, planning events & playdates, & using this time to really reflect on myself. And then I realized something else..

That I'm not even interested in dating much. LOL Be it my frustration with lower class men or a sudden change in my personal direction. I've realized that a lot of my emphasis on dating has come from a few friends & family members whose goal in life seems to be to land a great man. And thats when it hit me... Since when do I care about landing a man?? I've always been an independent driven woman. I've never cared. I grew up not wanting to get married. Even during both engagements & pregnancies, I always pictured my future as a single mom.. because I haven't a man that has really changed my opinion, no has really knocked my socks off, hehaha. When I put value on items in my life, they rate like this..
1. My Faith
2. My kids
3. A career
4. The rest of my family
5. Dating

I've become more career driven than anything lately. With the help of a friend I'm looking into what I need, and need to do, in order to go to College next year (if possible!) And while I enjoy my male friends company, I'm not really feeling the desire for more. Now, some guy may come around & stir me up & start to change my mind, lol, but after this past month of reflecting back on myself, my life, & my life ambitions.. I'm more likely to drive him off or push him back so he doesn't get in my way!
If a Prince comes, he comes.. But I'm def not looking, def not settling or dating the scrubbies anymore, and he would have to be willing to sit sideline to my kids and my getting a career on track.

Thats pretty much been my thinking this past month.. lol