Thursday, October 27, 2011
Not Drinkin The Haterade
I need to cover some negative comments and tie up a few loose ends. This post will do that and MOVE FORWARD. Groovy?
Last week, I found out that “The Reader” had been cheating on me. I’m not sure exactly how long or to what degree while we were still together, but looking back now, it makes sense.
When he started to pull away, I should have listened to my gut, but I foolishly still trusted him. When we were breaking up, he wigged out on me and got angry when I was crying. I was literally bawling on the phone and his reaction was to tell me he was so angry he wanted to punch a hole through a wall. What a keeper, huh? Now in retrospect it all makes sense, he wanted to be done with me and move on to his next thing. I was a fool and I see that now, finally.
The betrayal I felt crushed me and made me unravel a little there, admittedly. I was finally at a good place about the breakup and finding this out reopened those wounds in an even more painful way. Finding out he lied to me hurt me deeply.
I should have seen it coming, because it was exactly the same scenario when we came together, he had feelings for me and we were well into our plans for the future before he officially broke up with his ex. They hadn’t seen each other in a long time, but it wasn’t officially over.
Last week after I found out about what he’d done, I went to him for an explanation, some resolution and closure. In his true form, he totally ignored me and over the course of the next few days, my anger exploded. It finally crested with me writing something nasty to him. I questioned his character, his manhood and then I REALLY let him have it. It wasn’t pretty. I told him I hated him and that I totally erased him out of my memory.
I could have done so many worse things, but I didn’t.
The next day there was an extremely mean comment on my blog from an “anonymous” reader. When I first read it, I was upset because it was so shockingly insulting. Then the more I thought about it and read through the language it could only be from him. The hate and bitterness was oozing from this comment and no casual reader could have that much of an issue about me. It was personal and after Captain Obvious and I talked about it, we could see right through it.
The language sounded like him, the sentence structure was like his writing and it couldn’t be an accident that it happened on the very next day after I wrote him a scathing goodbye. I’ve only had 2 anonymous comments out of the 415 comments I’ve received. The chance of this NOT being him is staggering. It also just so happened to be a post about me moving on and having a really great date with a hot guy. Coincidence? Doubtful.
Ironically, I still have my diary from when I was 15. It’s an old worn book with Holly Hobby on the cover and lots of steamy deets about first kisses and slow dances. Here are some excerpts from it from this very week back then: “Today, one of Frank’s friends came up to me and called me Frank’s Girl… Donny asked me to the football game and I accepted, he is really sweet… Cathy, Chris and I went to the haunted house… At the game, Donny put his arm around me.” Hopefully, you get the point of what these words illustrate. That is a bad 15 year old’s diary. I’ve earned an intelligent audience, you wouldn’t be reading me if it didn’t have some value. The comment about this being a badly written diary of a 15 year old is insulting to me and to you. C’mon man.
Yet, I’m not going to say what I write is world changing, I hope it makes you laugh, entertains you and makes you think. However, I’m not spending any time practicing my Pulitzer acceptance speech. I’m realistic about what I’m trying to do and the fingerpainting I do sometimes. We need to be entertained sometimes and if this is few minutes of distraction for you that provides a little smackerel of wisdom every now and then, I’m happy about that.
Truth is, the past month or so I’ve been writing more in-depth posts about life and happiness and relationships. There’s so much momentum going for me and I’ve received so much positive feedback that something like this is laughable and isn’t even a pimple on my booty.
I welcome criticism about my writing, I want to be better. I admit I have a lot of growing to do and I want to be good at it. My posts are all over the board; sometimes they are silly, sexy, and sometimes deep. If I were a painter, some of my posts would be beautiful oil paintings, others would be fingerpainted little pieces of crap, not even worthy of the refrigerator door. But they’re real and they’re me and I’m not going to be any different.
As far as this relationship, I think it finally came down to him not wanting to live here, in the Midwest and that was a huge part of his decision. I couldn’t have been any better to him or given him more. However, it’s in the past and you don’t give a rat’s rectum anymore and neither do I.
In other news…
That same evening, I had another negative comment. This one was a totally different tone and although it bothered me, I didn’t take it personally. A reader commented that my blog sounded like soft porn lately. Honestly, that comment took me aback and I had to really think about it. I am a sexual person, it’s a part of my nature however, I’m not intentionally writing erotica. The post she commented on was my last date, a date where I hinted at something physical happening, we watched football and fell asleep on the couch fully clothed. That’s about as innocent as I get writing about a date.
Frankly, my posts in the beginning were a lot more naughty, hell Latin Lover and I had sex in a stairwell and I wrote about that. If anything my posts lately are vanilla in comparison, so I took the comment for the way I think she really meant it, and that was a cautionary piece of advice. I think she was saying I rushed into physical too fast if I’m looking for love. Truth is I don’t know for sure if I am. I’d love to be swept off my feet and whisked off to the ball however I’m too skeptical right now after what just happened to be actively searching for love.
My writing is a way to bring some small positive change to the world and that’s what I intend to do. Among the many things I want to change is to empower women. For too long, women have had to hide or apologize for their sexuality. I’m not here to intentionally offend anyone, but sometimes you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette.
I might consider labeling my posts if they are adult in nature or changing the navigation somehow, however I'm not going to change what I write. Nothing is to be gained from that. I appreciate you for reading and for sharing your comments with me either positive or negative.
If my writing doesn’t challenge you to rethink something that you believe, it’s a waste of your time. I’m grateful to have attracted a loyal and intelligent following who have told me the impact of my words on your lives. I certainly don’t want to lose any of you, however I don’t intend to bore you either, you’re way too sophisticated to NOT be challenged.
Although I write about dating, I’m writing more about the impact it has had on me and my perception of self. Whether you’re actively dating or not, the life lessons apply to anyone. Are you going to let someone come into your life and kick your ass or are you going to take back what is yours? That person could be your boss, your landlord, your sibling, it doesn’t matter. Are you going to settle for not having fulfillment, sexual or otherwise? I’m not, dammit.
Although the questions I’m asking myself might be enshrouded in layers of glittery lipgloss and sporting 4 inch heels, underneath the surface they are the questions we all ask of ourselves about life and love. I try to do it in a way that makes you laugh and tantalizes you, yet the theme is universal.
I challenge you to empower yourself and do what you need to do to reclaim your happiness – just like I’m trying to do. I'm hoping we can do it together because I'm working on something really cool to do just that.
The Single Mom
Here are some of the things on my mind? Do I get close to anyone, especially another reader? How can I reclaim my happiness and not let it be stolen again? I’m also working on something that is going to help me and YOU… deets coming in the next few days.
Posted by singlemom at 10:35 AM