Thursday, October 27, 2011

Not Drinkin The Haterade

I need to cover some negative comments and tie up a few loose ends.   This post will do that and MOVE FORWARD.   Groovy?
Last week, I found out that “The Reader” had been cheating on me.  I’m not sure exactly how long or to what degree while we were still together, but looking back now, it makes sense.  
When he started to pull away, I should have listened to my gut, but I foolishly still trusted him.    When we were breaking up, he wigged out on me and got angry when I was crying.    I was literally bawling on the phone and his reaction was to tell me he was so angry he wanted to punch a hole through a wall.  What a keeper, huh?   Now in retrospect it all makes sense, he wanted to be done with me and move on to his next thing.   I was a fool and I see that now, finally.
The betrayal I felt crushed me and made me unravel a little there, admittedly.   I was finally at a good place about the breakup and finding this out reopened those wounds in an even more painful way.   Finding out he lied to me hurt me deeply.
I should have seen it coming, because it was exactly the same scenario when we came together, he had feelings for me and we were well into our plans for the future before he officially broke up with his ex.  They hadn’t seen each other in a long time, but it wasn’t officially over. 
Last week after I found out about what he’d done, I went to him for an explanation, some resolution and closure.  In his true form, he totally ignored me and over the course of the next few days, my anger exploded.   It finally crested with me writing something nasty to him.   I questioned his character, his manhood and then I REALLY let him have it.   It wasn’t pretty.   I told him I hated him and that I totally erased him out of my memory. 
I could have done so many worse things, but I didn’t.  
The next day there was an extremely mean comment on my blog from an “anonymous” reader.   When I first read it, I was upset because it was so shockingly insulting.  Then the more I thought about it and read through the language it could only be from him.   The hate and bitterness was oozing from this comment and no casual reader could have that much of an issue about me.    It was personal and after Captain Obvious and I talked about it, we could see right through it.
Here’s what it said:  This is weird, how you're sharing all these details like bad fanfic. No offense but I started reading your blog because you talked about relationships. Now it just reads like a badly written diary of a 15 year old
The language sounded like him, the sentence structure was like his writing and it couldn’t be an accident that it happened on the very next day after I wrote him a scathing goodbye.  I’ve only had 2 anonymous comments out of the 415 comments I’ve received.   The chance of this NOT being him is staggering.   It also just so happened to be a post about me moving on and having a really great date with a hot guy.  Coincidence?   Doubtful.     
Ironically, I still have my diary from when I was 15.  It’s an old worn book with Holly Hobby on the cover and lots of steamy deets about first kisses and slow dances.  Here are some excerpts from it from this very week back then:  Today, one of Frank’s friends came up to me and called me Frank’s Girl… Donny asked me to the football game and I accepted, he is really sweet…  Cathy, Chris and I went to the haunted house… At the game, Donny put his arm around me.”     Hopefully, you get the point of what these words illustrate.  That is a bad 15 year old’s diary.   I’ve earned an intelligent audience, you wouldn’t be reading me if it didn’t have some value.   The comment about this being a badly written diary of a 15 year old is insulting to me and to you.  C’mon man.
Yet, I’m not going to say what I write is world changing, I hope it makes you laugh, entertains you and makes you think.  However, I’m not spending any time practicing my Pulitzer acceptance speech.  I’m realistic about what I’m trying to do and the fingerpainting I do sometimes.  We need to be entertained sometimes and if this is few minutes of distraction for you that provides a little smackerel of wisdom every now and then, I’m happy about that.
Truth is, the past month or so I’ve been writing more in-depth posts about life and happiness and relationships.   There’s so much momentum going for me and I’ve received so much positive feedback that something like this is laughable and isn’t even a pimple on my booty.
I welcome criticism about my writing, I want to be better.  I admit I have a lot of growing to do and I want to be good at it.  My posts are all over the board; sometimes they are silly, sexy, and sometimes deep.  If I were a painter, some of my posts would be beautiful oil paintings, others would be fingerpainted little pieces of crap, not even worthy of the refrigerator door.  But they’re real and they’re me and I’m not going to be any different.
As far as this relationship, I think it finally came down to him not wanting to live here, in the Midwest and that was a huge part of his decision.  I couldn’t have been any better to him or given him more.   However, it’s in the past and you don’t give a rat’s rectum anymore and neither do I.

In other news…
That same evening, I had another negative comment.  This one was a totally different tone and although it bothered me, I didn’t take it personally.    A reader commented that my blog sounded like soft porn lately.  Honestly, that comment took me aback and I had to really think about it.  I am a sexual person, it’s a part of my nature however, I’m not intentionally writing erotica.   The post she commented on was my last date, a date where I hinted at something physical happening, we watched football and fell asleep on the couch fully clothed.  That’s about as innocent as I get writing about a date.   
Frankly, my posts in the beginning were a lot more naughty, hell Latin Lover and I had sex in a stairwell and I wrote about that.   If anything my posts lately are vanilla in comparison, so I took the comment for the way I think she really meant it, and that was a cautionary piece of advice.   I think she was saying I rushed into physical too fast if I’m looking for love.  Truth is I don’t know for sure if I am.  I’d love to be swept off my feet and whisked off to the ball however I’m too skeptical right now after what just happened to be actively searching for love.
My writing is a way to bring some small positive change to the world and that’s what I intend to do.   Among the many things I want to change is to empower women.  For too long, women have had to hide or apologize for their sexuality.    I’m not here to intentionally offend anyone, but sometimes you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette. 
I might consider labeling my posts if they are adult in nature or changing the navigation somehow, however I'm not going to change what I write.   Nothing is to be gained from that.   I appreciate you for reading and for sharing your comments with me either positive or negative. 
If my writing doesn’t challenge you to rethink something that you believe, it’s a waste of your time.   I’m grateful to have attracted a loyal and intelligent following who have told me the impact of my words on your lives.   I certainly don’t want to lose any of you, however I don’t intend to bore you either, you’re way too sophisticated to NOT be challenged.   
Although I write about dating, I’m writing more about the impact it has had on me and my perception of self.   Whether you’re actively dating or not, the life lessons apply to anyone.  Are you going to let someone come into your life and kick your ass or are you going to take back what is yours?  That person could be your boss, your landlord, your sibling, it doesn’t matter.   Are you going to settle for not having fulfillment, sexual or otherwise?  I’m not, dammit.
Although the questions I’m asking myself might be enshrouded in layers of glittery lipgloss and sporting 4 inch heels, underneath the surface they are the questions we all ask of ourselves about life and love.  I try to do it in a way that makes you laugh and tantalizes you, yet the theme is universal.   
I challenge you to empower yourself and do what you need to do to reclaim your happiness – just like I’m trying to do.    I'm hoping we can do it together because I'm working on something really cool to do just that.  
The Single Mom

Here are some of the things on my mind?  Do I get close to anyone, especially another reader?   How can I reclaim my happiness and not let it be stolen again?  I’m also working on something that is going to help me and YOU… deets coming in the next few days. 


BBrowne said...

Love ya, SMD! Keep being the wonderful, interesting person you are.

Jenniffer said...

The song "shake it off" by Mariah Carey popped into my head after I read your last blog post and started reading this one. I know its about the end of a relationship, but the same concept applies. "Shake em' off"

Linda said...

Ahhhhh girl. Here is where I come from:

I'm sorry that I offended you. Really. I love reading this blog, but I honestly think that you are so much more amazing that some douchebag guy (we know who we are talking about here) who posts and runs.

He is a liar. He was a liar.

I read the whole thing all summer with baited breath. I was very happy for you...hoping that you had met someone.

I'm a new reader, so obviously your blog history isn't something I'm familiar with. I just wanted to jump out of my chair and say DON'T DO IT...with the new guy. Because as douchy as the Reader was, you weren't over him.

You are too precious to give it away again...and I barely know you. BUT...I know what my girlfriends know...Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him.

I was just putting my hat in the ring for some healing...

Again, I am so sorry I offended. No hate. Not ever.

singlemom said...

Linda, I didn't really take offense after I read your comments through. I could see you were offering me advice and although the label you used took my breath away, I could see that you cared about me and were trying to look out for me. So thank you for that, seriously.

I appreciate all advice I get because its very difficult when you care about someone to see them objectively. So, I appreciate it. I am in a weird place now, but I can tell you that Twitterguy seems like an honest man. I hate to even say it but he is a true good guy.

Today, even we were texting back and forth about should we still see each other because of distance and our busy lives. I'm not sure if theres a future for us or not, but he did text me that if I ever let a guy (he said "dork") like The Reader ever get to me again, that he'd intervene. It was cute and protective.

I appreciate that I have your respect and I pulled my computer back into my bed to address your comments... you didnt offend me, I just wanted to set the record straight and since both comments came in the same day, it was a good topic and tied up the loose ends with him. I promised I'd finish that story, so it all made sense.

Thank you so much for reading and please be honest with me along the way. I so appreciate you reading, thank you so much! Smooches, SMD

Searching for me said...

Having recently gone through the same thing (although found out the cheating had been going on for over a year!) I'm a recent reader of your blog, I enjoy the way you write, I enjoy the humor mixed in with the honesty and emotion, so keep being you. It is such a comfort to read of others going through what I am. Lies are a difficult thing to get over, keep asking the questions "Why" but each day I find new strength and it gets a little easier to put away the questions and the regrets and look to the future!

DavidRayDog said...

xoxox SMD ~ drd

Anonymous said...

That's sad you're accusing that guy of a comment he didn't make. And you read hate into it? That's sad too. No, what I meant was I stumbled across your blog somehow (I don't remember how) and bookmarked it b/c you were ALSO (meaning I am a woman) navigating relationships in this world as it is now. What I read in the beginning was a woman talking feelings and long distances and getting through the hard times and loving the good times. The last few posts were attacking some guy in a blog (poor form) and then talking nothing but of your outfits and making out. It wasn't hatred. WHy would I hate that? It was disappointment. You've turned into so many middle aged twitter women who rediscover their sexuality (a good thing) and then flaunt to the point of exhibitionism. (a bad thing)
IN any case, good luck, and if you attacked that guy thinking my comment was from him, you owe him an apology.

singlemom said...

@Anonymous, Thank you for your comments and observations. However, your words were exceptionally harsh and not constructive. I do not get a lot of criticism, so the timing is questionable and coupled with the circumstances still cause skepticsm. I did not attack him, I just repeated what happened, I could have been MUCH more personal and insulting. He was my best friend & love who betrayed me. If these are actions you can justify, please be my guest. I've asked him for his side of the story and he has not accepted. I also tried to make peace with him which he has also ignored, so I can do no more. His actions speak for themselves. However, if you are who you say, then I do indeed offer him an apology for jumping to that conclusion in error. I wish you all the best in everything you do. Be well. SMD

singlemom said...

Thank you for all the feedback. I appreciate all of it and while it's always great to have positive feedback, the negative feedback makes me better and stronger.

I feel like I did a good job of simply reporting what happened without bringing a lot of dirty laundry into it. To tell the story, I have to be able to say what happened. The language used here to criticize me was more cutting than the language I used to describe the betrayal from a lover. I find it extremely curious that someone would harbor that much negativity towards me.

However, I'm taking these comments as feedback and using them to create a new writing project that has a positive focus. I think it will help a lot of people and I'm excited to share it. Smooches! SMD