Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Love Yourself First! Feeling Sexy

Love your body or at least make peace with it!

As women we give ourselves a lot of pressure about our looks and bodies.   I’ve learned something a shocking during my 7 years of dating that was contrary to what I would have ever expected.    I learned that most men I’ve met are far more attracted to a less than perfect looking woman with high confidence than a nearly perfect woman with low confidence.
I’m not sure if it’s the way we are brought up or if we do it to ourselves through our lives, but as women we are often the first ones to put ourselves down or to wave off a compliment if we receive one.    Why do we do this?  I cannot figure it out. 
I get some mean comments from women readers who knock me for my confidence.  Truth be told, I’d bet my body is not as good in comparison than most of the women who criticize me.    I’ve just learned to let a lot of my insecurities go better than a lot of people I suppose.    I’ve begun to learn to shake off criticism in the same way.
I’m not going to deny that I’d love to have a better body, but at this time in my life, I’m sick of trying to please everyone else.   Some men don’t like my body but there are a whole hell of a lot who do and those are the men I’m interested in anyway.     I feel sexy and comfortable in my own skin and I’m not going to obsess about my imperfections.  I definitely believe in eating well and exercise but there’s a whole lot about my body that isn’t going to change without some major reconstruction.  Fact.
A lot of men tell me that being with a woman who is confident is a complete turn on, much more so than a woman who is constantly unhappy with the reflection she sees in the mirror or someone constantly trying to fit into what society defines as beautiful.   It’s important to maintain physical health and yet mental health by not destroying ourselves to achieve perfection.
For me, this was the most important piece of learning for me in loving myself.  I’d grown up hating my body and myself for having it.   I was on every diet imaginable through my childhood and developed an eating disorder.   I was unhappy with my appearance to the point of making myself sick.  Looking back now it seems like such a waste.
This mindset only made me vulnerable to unhealthy relationships until just a few years ago.   It didn’t change until I began dating and had a lot of positive experiences.   I learned that men’s parameters for attractiveness were well beyond what I thought they were… most likely a perception that I formed through years of seeing women in magazines and movies.     
The result of this internal change has caused me to become more confident on the outside.   I've held onto a piece of advice that has changed the way I approach many of life’s situations, “fake it till you make it”.    I’ve learned to carry myself with confidence and it probably makes me seem like I have more self confidence than I actually do.    Yet, it’s interesting because it has had an affect on the way men respond to me which in turn feeds confidence.   Funny how that works, huh?
I encourage you today to Love Yourself First by appreciating your body... be healthy but don’t beat yourself up for your flaws - we all have them.

What’s going on in my “Love Life”?
I’ve been taking this challenge to love myself first right alongside you.  I’m working on identifying my flaws and being more careful to evaluate situations and relationships more carefully.    I’ve been incredibly busy lately and have felt pulled in too many directions.  It’s truly been a challenge to remember to do something nice for myself every day.  However, I’ve been forcing myself to do it and it has made a difference in my daily happiness. 
I’m also a little sad to tell you that “Twitterguy” and I have parted ways.   He’s a great person and I have nothing but respect for him as a man and I’m grateful I had a chance to get to know him.     He works two jobs, so that combined with the hour between us made it extremely difficult to spend time together.   I also felt like both of us weren't really ready to get close and neither one of us tried very hard to change the other person's heart.  
I have met someone new that did start as a friendship. He lives in the same city as me, has a good sense of humor and is really cute.   Very recently, it's been turning into something more and a first date is planned.   We’ve been talking for several weeks and the whole time, I’ve had a wall around me.    As I mentioned, I've also been busy and haven't had a lot of time, so it's kind of made things go more slowly than in a usual time frame.   
In the beginning, I was really careful to tell him that I didn’t think I was capable of intimacy.  However, somewhere between all the funny messages, we started to realize we have a lot in common and he’s a really great guy.   So... wish him luck and I’ll let you know more later.
Smooches,
The Single Mom

If you'd like to follow along on the 30 day "Love Yourself First" challenge, like this page and follow along with the thought of the day.   There's been so much positive feedback about it and I'm so grateful to be doing this with YOU!   http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Single-Moms-Dating-Diary/138563976203412 

3 comments:

DavidRayDog said...

Sexiness begins with a person's heart, imagination and soul (for me anyway).

sean said...

Yes, confidence is sexy, and can cause a guy (say like me, for example) to overlook what might be physical shortcomings, but there is always the possibility of self delusion, which is not sexy. I joke that I am about a hundred sit-ups away from being an underwear model, but I know that is a joke (I am at least 200 sit-ups away from that). When I see someone wearing form fitting clothing when they are out for a run or a bike ride, and they look like thirty pounds of sausage in a ten pound casing, it really does not matter how confident they are, that is never going to be sexy.

Sort of related: Do the guys on the Biggest Loser really need to shed their shirts before they weigh in? Do the women really need to get down to sports bras? Is that necessary?

Jenniffer said...

"Confidence is the ability to feel beautiful, without needing someone to tell you first, but smiling when someone does"

;) *HUGS*