Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Loving Yourself First: Be Cautious but not Closed off Completely

Life was imitating art because my post for this week in Loving Yourself First was about starting to let people in.  Week one was about letting  go of your past , week two was about building your self esteem, this week, week three is about being careful about letting people in and week four is going to be about finding happiness.    If you’ve been following in Facebook, my daily quotes have all been in line with these themes all through this month.
This was Monday’s quote on Facebook and it was a great quote to kick off this week, well at least for the blog.
Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up.  They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.   Samuel Johnson
It’s important that we stay true to who we are but let people in, as long as we are cautious about it.   This is definitely something that is a flaw of mine.  I’ve been through a lot, as I’ve gotten older I’ve recalibrated my date picker and changed my parameters for what I’m looking for.  I’ve written a lot about it but superficial things are very low on my list now in my forties.   I’ve honed in on before I get close to someone asking the right questions and making sure what they are looking for is what I’m looking for.  I also am honest about myself and the negatives about me so that there are no surprises. 
I also talked early on in this series about drawing two circles around yourself and only letting a chosen few get into that circle.  Truth is when people get close to us they can hurt us.   I think we as humans are happiest when we have closeness with someone else.   I’ve gotten to the time in my life where I’m ready to put aside my own ego and love someone, accept blame when it’s my fault and truly give to someone else. I’ve stood on my own for so long, I’ve found the good in all my pain and I’ve become a really strong woman.   A woman with a lot to offer, I think. 
Lately, I’ve become weary from dating after seven years of it.   I’ve always bounced back up and dusted myself off and hit the ground running again.  This year, however I’ve had a harder time bouncing back and I’m trying to make smarter decisions.  I don’t want to be a man hater and bitter.   I want to be smarter and maybe I’m fooling myself that I’m not becoming closed off, I don’t honestly know. 
I’ve gone out with men I’ve met in bars, online, the grocery store, and now even Twitter.   I wasn’t in the mindset to date, so I stopped online dating after several years of it.  I met a lot of great guys online dating, had serious relationships from it. Yet, I wasn’t ready to put myself out there.  I pulled back to love myself first and to focus on personal development.
Somewhere along the way a Twitter friend in my same city became more and we went out.  What started as me telling him I didn’t want to date over the past several weeks ended up with us eventually talking, texting and going out on a date.    At first it was hey, I’d like to meet you for a beer just to get to know you and as time passed, feelings became involved.    
I was cautious and asked a lot of important questions about what he was looking for, was honest about my weaknesses and he was still extremely eager to meet me.     After a few weeks, I gave him my number but it was several days until I could talk to him, all the while I probably turned down 3 or 4 offers to go out on a date.    I actually felt badly about rejecting him and pushing him off, yet I wasn’t excited to be hurt again and had a lot to do.    Last week we actually talked on the phone for the first time and our first call lasted about 2 hours.   
During that week, we texted 1600 times, our conversations were hilarious and if I didn’t text him back within about 10 minutes, I’d get a text from him asking if I was ok or something.    We’d seen pictures of each other and we seemed to find each other attractive.   We talked about everything and we did eventually get flirty.   We were both apparently looking for the same things and I started allowing myself to feel close to him, so it felt right.
I’m a veteran dater and I felt like I was cautious, maybe too cautious even letting my guard down to him.  Looking back now, I don’t know what more I could have possibly done except to not talk to him at all.    
So, I’ll tell you about the date and try to make sense of it.  Leading up to the date, we were both getting nervous and excited to finally meet each other.   We met at the restaurant and there were a lot of smiles when we saw each other for the first time.   It almost felt like being young again, first date nerves and the excitement of finally seeing him.    We had developed a lot of inside jokes and had fun inserting them into the conversation.   Talking to him was a breeze and we barely opened our menus.   Actually the waitress circled a few times because we just wouldn’t stop talking long enough to open the menus.
Talking with him I could feel the attraction, yet he wasn’t the typical guy who I’d have to worry about being alone with.   He promised me that he wouldn’t be like that and I could truly trust that he wouldn’t.  After dinner, which lasted over a couple hours, we went back to his house.  I felt completely comfortable and although I joked about it, it wasn’t even a second thought.   I knew he’d be a gentleman.
He gave me a tour of his home and snuck on something that he knew was a turn on of mine – a backwards baseball hat.   He had to point it out to me and did so with a boyish grin, really pleased with himself.   We started kissing in his kitchen and it was perfect.  We made a lot of eye contact even during kissing and he walked me over to the couch to get more comfortable. 
His jealous white cat kept trying to vie for his attention and it became something we laughed about.     Without giving gory details, we were obviously very attracted to each other.   It felt good to finally be with him, kissing him and in his arms after wondering what it would be like.   I honestly didn’t expect it to be so natural to be together, but it was just like our conversations leading up to the date.
We ended up falling asleep on the couch, he woke me up because I was snoring, smooth me, huh?  It was late, we said goodnight and texted when we both were home safely.   He texted me the next morning with his pet name for me and all seemed fine.   Over the next couple of days we continued texting until after a few days in a text he told me he just didn’t feel chemistry with me.    

I’ve been on a lot of dates, maybe more than a hundred.   I know when there isn’t chemistry.  That’s when you want to chew your arm off to have an excuse to get out of the date.   There’s nothing to talk about and the thought of touching the person makes you want to run the other way.  This wasn’t either one of those scenarios, so I’m puzzled about it to say the least.
Although I’d love to have a positive spin on this today, I just don’t.  Ironically, this subject is what I’ve been planning to write about when I planned out the Love Yourself First series. 
I was cautious about letting someone in, and I still ended up hurt.     I’ve had a day to digest what happened and I’m still as puzzled.    I don’t plan on getting close to anyone on Twitter anymore, it’s just one more portal to me that I’m closing off.   I enjoy writing about dating and I think that’s what my focus needs to be for now.    I guess every road to me that I close off gets me closer to Crazy Cat Lady, I just don’t need to keep being hurt, it’s just not the best use of my time.
Maybe I need to get smarter still about getting close to people, so I’ll think about that, while I love myself first.  I hope you love yourself first too!
The Single Mom 

1 comment:

DavidRayDog said...

WTF twitter dude?

Love you SMD ~ so sorry we men are so exasperatingly cornfusing sometimes.