Saturday, December 31, 2011

Lessons Learned the Hard Way, Very Hard Way

This year has kicked my junk all over the place.   It seemed like I’d get through one test and another would be right around the corner.    I wanted to throw in the towel a few times.   Fortunately, my kids, my friends and actually many of you picked me back up.
Sharing so much of my personal life has been a lot harder than I thought.  A lot of you have thanked me for the laughter or the inspiration and that has kept me chugging away through the times people have thrown rocks at me.   
When I started writing it I felt like I had a lot to say and to contribute.    I wasn’t sure how this would go and the longer I wrote the more positive feedback came.    It was overwhelming and has mostly been a thoroughly rewarding experience.
Yet just before Christmas, I had an extremely upsetting texting fight with someone I met through the blog and briefly dated.   It escalated beyond where it should ever have and although we both were wrong, I’m upset with myself for losing control.
I apologized and I accept my responsibility.   However the meanness continued coming at me.   I very well could have taken to my blog and written my side and blasted off a nasty, bitchy post.  I didn’t want to do that at the time and I still don’t.   
What was said was already hurtful.  I cried a lot, it broke my heart and was actually a little frightening.   I didn’t want to hurt him more.  Truth is, I did care about him at one time and I didn’t want him to be hurt.  I don’t wish anything bad to happen to him or anyone really.    It was hard and has made me not want to date again, especially anyone from Twitter.    Yet, I say that and I am at least talking to men again, so I’m getting closer to being back in action.
It also made me dig deep and look at myself.  I don’t have to look at his face in the mirror, only my own.   I have to learn from my mistakes and be honest with myself about what I can improve on before I can move forward.     I lost my cool and I apologized.    His actions are his to live with; I can only take responsibility for my own.
I also don’t want my voice to be bitchy and negative.  Sometimes I am sarcastic and that’s ok but I don’t want to tear someone apart.  It’s not why I do this and furthermore not who I want to be.   Through all this I realized that I want to be healed emotionally before I really attach to someone.   I want to find someone positive and strong and I’m not sure I feel at my best to do that right now.    
Through all this hurt, something close to miraculous happened.   I got an extremely kind comment from a reader saying he was my biggest fan and that he felt honored to be able to know me.   It made me sob and was exactly what I needed to hear.   I was ready to shake off the anger, move forward and look at the big picture.   Sharing like this does touch and entertain people, so I should keep doing it.
I resolved to start a comment jar with all the positive feedback I get.    I’m going to write down the good comments on a slip of paper and put them in a jar in my office.  I can pull them out when I need them.    It’s a lesson for me and maybe one for you: hear the negative comments but don’t let them stop you from what you truly feel called to do.
I wish you an extremely happy new year!  I’m working on my list of resolutions and looking at last years (yikes).   As I near my one year anniversary of writing this blog, I thank you so much for being a part of it.  It’s been a life changing experience, mostly good and I look forward to what this new year will bring.
The Single Mom
Happy New Year From SMD (mp3)

1 comment:

Jenniffer said...

I know this is late, I'm sorry. It's been a family drama filled holiday time, my kids and I sick, the new year, ugh it just never seems to end!


xo- Jenn