Monday, January 30, 2012

Putting Myself "Back Out There" in the Dating Game

The other day I ran into an old buddy, Captain Obvious. He had a couple of words for me and as usual didn’t pull any punches. Basically, he told me it was time to start opening myself up to dating again. He said that I’ve let the crap that’s happened to me lately bother me too much and to get back up, get some heels on, show some cleavage and get back in the game.

He was careful to caution me that I needed to be smart and to not rush into anything but enough time has passed and it was time. After I thought about it for a couple of days, I decided he was right and I signed back on to a dating site. Gulp.

At the same time, I was also talking to my ex,”Freakshow”. He was saying things I wanted to hear and pushing the buttons he knew he needed to push to get to me. He isn’t stupid and I can’t fault him for that.

We were talking and texting through the day and my heart skipped a few beats between texts. I wanted to believe that he meant it THIS TIME.

He planned a date for us at one of the nicest restaurants in town and I was really excited about a fresh start. I was looking forward to it until I realized I had a conflict and had to break the date. The next few days that followed we sent a lot of texts back and forth. We were talking about the future we’d have and basically working out the things that had been hurdles in the past.

I was starting to let my guard down and let hope creep into my heart, just a little. He seemed sincere and yet I didn’t believe him entirely. After a few days, the texting became flirty and his true colors started showing. What we had in the past was extremely passionate and our conversations were ending up solidly back into “Dirtytown”.

It became obvious to me that the passion we had in the past made it impossible to go back and rewind to start. It was too bad really. I ended the relationship and he didn’t put up a fight, which made me think my instincts were right. It was too bad really, I had legitimate feelings for him and it was too bad that he couldn’t control his hormones long enough to be in that place with me.

The decision to move forward and meet new people became the obvious right answer. Since getting over my heartbreak last fall, I’ve been cautious, maybe too cautious about dating. I feel like I’m narrowing my criteria, maybe to an extreme, but I’m not sure. The last time I dated someone, there was almost a 10 year age difference (he was younger) and I just feel that there is a lot of maturation that he didn’t have. Now I feel like I need to narrow the gap down to maybe a 5 year difference (+ or -) and go with that unless someone REALLY impresses me.

Maybe what I’m looking for is different than what most women are, but there are a lot of profile pictures of men on motorcycles, with their motorcycles or just a motorcycle. That tells me that motorcycles must help men get laid. It would seem so anyway.

I was talking to a man who was extremely cute, extremely and he was 10 years younger than me. I decided to at least get to know him, maybe his looks swayed my decision just a little or a lot. We texted for a few days and he finally asked me out on a date. The first date he suggested was that he cook me dinner at his house. From experience, that’s just not a situation I’d do again, extremely cute or not. I countered that we meet for a drink and see how that goes. That was the last time he texted me. It tells me he was probably interested in one thing, so lesson learned there.

Another handsome man caught my attention. He is a couple of years older than me, seemed grounded and has a good sense of humor. After a few emails, we talked on the phone. I liked him and the conversation flowed, I’m just thinking he might be a little too um “vanilla” for me. With that said, I really do owe him the chance to meet and see how it goes in person, because he really does seem like a rare great guy. I guess I was just hoping for a little bit of a spark or something to hold onto, I’m not going to write it off yet.

In general I’ve been slow about returning emails unless someone really seems like a fit. If the conversation doesn’t flow off the bat during the email stage, I’ve been losing interest quickly. There is just so much going on in my life that I’m not going out with someone just for fun. It really has to be someone I’m excited to meet.

Everything was chugging away pretty blasé until I got a surprise email from someone I’ve talked to in the past. We exchanged a few emails last spring and it was around the same time I met “Latin Lover”. Yet, there was something about this man I really liked he seemed sincere, with a good sense of humor and warmth.

He and I went back and forth a few times admittedly I was probably slow to return them. However, I was shocked when he sent me one telling me he’d met someone and was going to see where it went.

Although I was somewhat disappointed, I respected that he was honest about the situation. Fast forward 8 months or so and I was semi happy to hear from him again. We’ve traded emails and are going to talk soon.

Everything that I’ve seen in him this time makes me think that we should be pretty compatible but I’ll know more once we can talk. I have conflicts for the next couple of nights, so I’ve put off talking on the phone. I teased him that I hope he wouldn’t meet someone else in the meantime, but at this point I can’t worry about that.

So, I’m “back out there” again. If nothing else, I have my toe dipped in the water waiting for the right reason to dive in. Do you think I’m being too cautious or smart? I can’t decide yet but I’ll let you know what happens next, of course.


The Single Mom


Lala B said...

oh the joys of putting yourself back out there...
my challenge has been not letting the old go and the new really in... so everyone seems kind of pale in comparison... to the man who had the spark from the moment I met him.

Mutant Supermodel said...

Can I be honest? Why not just let life be? Get off the dating site. Enjoy yourself and your aloneness some more. That's usually the best way to attract people. It's natural and revolves around things you love truly. It has more sincerity. Put on the heels? Show some cleavage? It sounds like you're setting the bait out or something. If it's not what you normally do why start doing it because you're "looking"?

Here, watch this. Maybe it'll communicate what I'm trying to say a bit better:

I don't mean to offend in any way, it just seems to me you're on a bit of a broken record with the dating thing. You always have the same doubts, the same struggles, and fall into the same types of situations.

There is saying I'm fond of that goes like this- Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Frank Ly said...

Absolutely loving the tone of this entry, SMD.
~Frank et al