Wednesday, January 18, 2012

A Shiny New 2012... plus an update on my dating life...

I can’t explain it or understand it but for the first time in a very long time I’m happy, really happy.  I don’t have a relationship, a lot of material possessions or success, yet despite that I see things working in my life that these things are happening for me.  Something under the surface is changing and although the ground outside is frozen and barren I have new hope.  Rewind to a month ago, I was literally on my knees, hopeless, sobbing and desolate.    I wanted to give up, crawl into a corner and disappear.  Nothing was going right and I couldn’t see a way out.
The last thing I’m going to do is preach, this isn’t the place for that.  I try to write with warmth and love as a reflection of my faith but I don’t want to force it down anyone’s throat.  So what I WILL say is there is a positive force (and you can interpret that any way that your faith takes it) working in my life.   Things are moving in a positive way for me, although all the answers are not obvious, yet I can see good things on the horizon.
In the past, I’ve celebrated and been estatic when my kids have achieved milestones, when I’ve had a great date, written a piece I like or made a big sale.  I don’t have any of those catalysts in my life right now, but what I do have is a bigger joy that despite not having these things that I do see things just getting ready to burst, to pop wide open and I’m on the cusp of something huge. 
Through all this testing I’ve had, I’ve learned something big for me; I had to learn to receive.  I’m a giving person but not good at receiving.  I don’t like to need anyone or anything in my life.  I’d rather figure something out, fix my lawnmower myself or put together a bike I bought for my kids than to ask for help.  
In a word I’m stubborn… stubborn as hell.  Yet, I think what that is a symptom of is that I’ve had a hard time receiving love, it’s not about the help or the assistance it’s that someone loved me enough as a neighbor or a friend to do something nice for me.  What a dork I am huh?  Yes totally, Captain Obvious.
What I think this means for me is that maybe, just maybe I’m now in a good place to receive love.  It feels like I’m really open to finding love, whether it is a relationship or not.   I feel like I’m in a really good place to offer a lot AND to receive a lot.     I’ve been struggling this past year financially, it’s been one hurdle after another, and I was at a place where I felt hopeless.  
Although I’m embarrassed about it on some level, I’m so touched on another.   My neighbors and friends spread the word about what was going on and through the holidays there were gifts, some anonymous and others not for my kids and me, in our mailbox and on our porch.   It touched me and moreover reinforced my faith in humanity.
Ironically, this was at a time where I was having rocks thrown at me in a very mean spirited, public way.    I’ve already written about it and not going to beat any dead horses, but suffice it to say it was extremely upsetting.  Ironically, I was getting these gifts at the same time as I was being insulted publicly and personally.   I’m sure that the warm fuzzies softened the blow of these hateful words.    It also made me feel sorry for the people who were doing this to me and to send good thoughts and prayers their way.
I pulled myself up and decided to look deep, very deep inside myself for growth and to share that with you.  Out of this pain, something amazing happened, I decided to have a positive word as my focus every month and this month’s is “Shine”. 
Follow along on Facebook  http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Single-Moms-Dating-Diary/138563976203412 for inspiration along the way.  I’m trying to get better, be better and put a positive, shiny version of me into the world.   I have a lot to learn, a lot of growth to do and I own that, I so am humble to that.
The most incredible thing happened as I was writing this piece… I have a channel on Pandora playing chick music and a song came on that I’ve never heard before.  It ties together everything that I’ve been writing about, wow.  Literally took my breath away and I had to Google the lyrics to make sure I really heard it.   
It was a Taylor Swift song and one of the lines jumped out at me, “People throw rocks at things that shine”.   It’s funny because I just wrote how people had been “throwing rocks” at me and shine was my word for January.   Funny how sometimes things fall into place and we get a message we needed to hear.   
Thanks for all your support and I hope you find new ways to shine in this new year!
Smooches,
The Single Mom


What's going on in my Dating life...
I've been talking to "Twitterguy" and although I know he cares about me and I know I could fall head over heels for him, I don't see things progressing romantically for us.   We are close and into each other, but I think the distance between us is just too much.   I call him "Dork" and after we had an intimate conversation, I texted him as I was going off to sleep, "I want to be your dork". 
I know I wasn't giving Danielle Steele a run for her money with that "sweet nothing", but it's the playful way we talk to each other.   I'm sure he knew my feelings for him were growing but I don't think he's in the right place for it to be anything now.
Is the third time the charm for  “Freakshow” and me?  We’ve been talking again since we ran into each other downtown a couple months ago.    It was at an event at the convention center and I had a weird premonition that I’d run into him.  It was a sporting event and he is a fan, but still it was a longshot that he’d be there.     We’ve been talking more and I’m considering seeing him again.  I haven’t been on a date since November, so this is definitely the longest break I’ve taken and I’m just hoping to make smarter decisions.  Stay tuned... Smooches!!!

Here's me saying thank you, maybe a little sexier voice... You tell me... A sexier SMD??? (mp3)
http://audioboo.fm/boos/622853-a-sexier-smd

6 comments:

Nipple rings said...

very sexy voice

Anonymous said...

I just discovered your blog and stayed up way past my bedtime reading. Great writing!

Anonymous said...

Wow - i love your voice! It must be an amazing thing to talk to you in real life... The guys you left behind will miss the sound of your voice when they look back at the mistakes they made

hugs - wubanger

Dave said...

you have a nice voice :)

singlemom said...

Thank you all for the comments! Welcome, Anonymous to the blog, so glad you found me! Smooches to you all, I LOVE hearing from you! <3

Jenniffer said...

Aww I love hearing your voice! So totally looking forward to a new year of your blog!! :) :) :)