Sunday, February 26, 2012

Beers, Passion and Wanting More... A Date with My New Man, "Man Candy"

I’ve been so busy with work and trying to squeeze in some life that I haven’t been able to blog much.  Work has been demanding, working most every day.   I apologize, but it’s been a lot to manage work, being a single parent and a new romance. 
We’ve been out on 5 dates and he definitely deserves a nickname.   He’s a former baseball player and good looking in general, so I’m going to call him, “Man Candy”. 
My first date with Man Candy was a night in an Irish Pub with lots of connection, conversation, stolen kisses and hardcore flirting.  We ended the night with a long kissing sesh and talked about seeing each other again soon.   
In the two weeks that have followed, we’ve been talking on the phone almost every night and had a few more dates.   Our dates have been more of the same kind of connection, lots of kisses through the night and long hot kissing at the end of the evening.
It feels like we’ve been going out for a much longer time than we actually have.   It’s gone smoothly and things have just seemed to flow.  He calls and texts regularly and it feels like we’ve been developing a sincere closeness.  He doesn’t keep me wondering if he’s going to call or text and he seems to be genuinely interested in me and what’s going on in my life.  
The odd thing about all this is I can feel myself holding back some.    We’ve been on a handful of dates and there hasn’t been any R-rated physical activity.   I’m not sure if this is part of the reason I feel like my heart is holding back or if it’s something else.    I’ve been through a lot of heartbreak and although I normally fall in love quickly, this time it’s not happening as easily. 
When we first started talking, we both wanted to wait for intimacy until we were sure about our feelings.  Although this is a good thing and I appreciate him not pouncing on me, it’s throwing me off a little and it’s a tad confusing to not be waking up and facing bad decisions.    We talk through things that bother us face to face and don’t have to slink out of a bedroom, panties in hand, avoiding eye contact and feeling regret the next day.
The physical connection between us is strong.  It honestly feels like a high school romance, lots of hot making out and flirty texting between dates.   When we are out, the passion between us is probably borderline offensive.  We kiss a lot, he runs his fingers through my hair and our hands are all over each other.    We are playful and flirty and the desire to be together is obvious.  He’s sexy and our kissing sessions are extremely passionate.    We communicate well, have respect for each other and the passion is there so I don’t understand why I feel like something’s missing.
As I’m getting ready for our fourth date, I’m excited and nervous.   Our flirting has gotten more intense and I haven’t seen Man Candy for a week.    At work all day long, I fought off jitters and planned in my mind what to wear.    My mind slipped into several daydreams during the day and I wondered if things were going to progress past the PG-13 zone tonight.   
We made plans to meet for a drink on a Friday night and because of traffic and crappy weather, I was running late.  I didn’t have a lot of time to get ready after getting the kids off for the night and getting home from work.   I threw on a slinky black blouse that showed a lot of cleavage, more so than anything I’ve worn with him before.   I pulled on jeans and heels and rushed out the door only to be stuck in slow moving Friday night traffic.
Having more time in the car to think was not a good thing.  Over and over I kept processing how the night would go and it made my stomach tie up in knots.   I was late and apologized profusely for it.  His response was to instantly scoop me up in his arms and kiss me passionately, erasing my guilt about being late.
I felt instantly relaxed from the hurry of getting there, ordered a drink and sat down next to him.   Within a few seconds my whole body felt warm and comfortable.   We teased each other, flirted, talked and watched a basketball game together.   I’d been working long hours for the past couple of weeks and it was a lot for us to catch up on.
The hectic day was finally behind me and it felt natural being with him.   We kissed a lot and he tucked his hand inside my back pocket.    The crowd at the bar was more of a 20’s or 30’s YP group, drinking heavily and I’m sure two middle aged people making out was not what they wanted to see, ha ha.   We didn’t care and didn’t hide our affection for each other.   
We held eye contact and the attraction between us was obvious.  I drank more than I normally do and felt uninhibited.   The laughter, conversation and flirting were kicked up a notch.  It felt good to let my guard down with him and I could trust that he wouldn’t take advantage of me.  The night slipped away fast and changing my drink to water was a good choice. 
He walked me to my car as I tiptoed through the gravel parking lot in my heels, trying to maintain my balance and trying even harder to not fall on my ass.   Once we were inside my car, his hand was firmly on the back of my head, pressing my mouth onto his.   We were kissing harder, touching each other and my body wanted more.   We stopped kissing after a few minutes as we collected ourselves and decided that it should end for the night.   
I drove him across the street to his car and we had a long goodnight kiss as we said our goodbyes.   The 20 minute drive home was a time for me to check my hormones and consult my brain.  Although my body was screaming for more, my mind was telling me that it was good to be taking things slowly.    
What we have although passionate and sexy has also some more substance and I’m excited about seeing him again soon.  
Thanks for reading and being patient with me through this hectic time!
The Single Mom
Next time: what happens on our most recent date, and a big heart to heart talk...

Monday, February 13, 2012

A Long Distance Love Story: Frankie & Jim

This is a guest post from a fellow Blogger, Frank (her nickname).  She writes a blog called Just Call Me Frank, sharing her life through the lens of living with Multiple Personality Disorder.  It is a very personal dialogue about her experiences and I encourage you to visit her blog.  She and I met on Twitter and instantly became friends.  This post is about her finding the love of her life and how I was involved in putting these two people together.   It's a very touching and warm Valentine's Day post and I hope it inspires you as it does me.  ~  Smooches... The Single Mom

We were asked by Single Mom’s Dating Diary (@singlemomdate) to write about our romance with our boyfriend, the man she introduced us to on Twitter, back in May of 2011; even though we are neither single, nor a mom.

Most of us are not the mushy type, but in honour of Valentines we will do what we can to paint you an accurate and romantic picture of the progression of our relationship with James, the love of “our” life. <insert *gag*>

First of all, if you don’t know who the “we”, in we is, then you should probably check out our blog for info. In short we struggle, live with, sometimes enjoy, a life with a mental condition called Dissociative Identity Disorder, also known as Multiple Personality Disorder.

James, our boyfriend, met Single Mom when he started reading her blog the early months of 2011, he started to follow her on Twitter, we know very little on the specifics but she subsequently directed him to our blog, we had been writing a lot about dating in the later months of 2010, where he read about our life and all the other strange and odd things we write about daily.

The story on his end goes like this: James read many entries in our blog, absorbed our writing, and then started following us on Twitter. One day got up the nerve to leave us a comment on our blog, thereby drawing attention to him. We started watching him on Twitter, with all the other followers we had, we only paid him minimal attention. At first we were only mildly curious about him, honestly we thought him odd. Turns out he’s just British. <insert laughter>

At the time we were going through a bought of un-medicated insomnia so our six hour time zone difference didn’t seem so bad, he flirted with us occasionally, and we flirted back. He’d send us e-mails on occasion, commenting on things, asking questions, agreeing with us that Natural Born Killers was one of the better romance films he’d seen; continuing to read our blog daily. Eventually we began to talk about potentially meeting, and then decided we should have a date on Skype.

We had planned to not pursue relationships any longer after the last one we had ended, decided to come out publicly about our mental illness and work slowly toward helping raise mental health awareness, and writing about our life. We knew we would never be able to keep the Us, and our “illness” a secret from any man we ever dated again, realizing it wouldn’t be right to date a man, then after weeks, months, tell him we were ill. We resolved to a life of being single and only casually dating men, having “alternative” style of relationships. We also didn’t want a relationship for reasons to do with privacy (we like being alone), and complications that might arise because of the way we decided to live, honestly, with no more hiding, so we could heal, come to terms with our history of abuse, and work towards a healthy life for us.

We agreed to a Skype date with James, deciding “why not”, he lives so far away after all, and if we were seriously going to have him visit in the future we should get to know him on Skype. On our first Skype date he drank red wine while we enjoyed a bottle of white, and ate our dinner of pork chops, 6 hours in a different time zone, thousands of miles apart.  We had a good date, and he asked to see us again. We told him maybe in a couple of days; days later we had our second date. It quickly turned into seeing each other every day, on Skype; we would talk, getting to know each other, play on the computer together, he would stare at us all silly on the bad Skype connection. For weeks it went on and we started discussing meeting in person and then we invited him to come visit us. He was excited and did what he could to fly to us as soon as he could. We were still not interested in a relationship; we couldn’t look past the distance, and the difficulty not only with our illness, but also immigration issues. Being the adventurous type, and willing to try anything we thought why not, he was nice enough, and willing to pay his way.

In July 2011 we met James at the local airport; we were excited, slightly nervous. He was better looking in person than on the computer. Our first kiss was seconds after see each other, in the international arrival room of the airport. Someone nearby made a snide comment about “kids”, we didn’t care. After weeks of dating online we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other.

We’ll spare you the sexy details that followed, but after weeks of online Skype dating; and no, there was no naked Skype escapades, in case you were assuming, only one of us is that kind of girl, and we kept he under control as best we could; and not being able to touch each other, connecting on a level uninterrupted by physical touch…need we say more?

He stayed with us for five weeks, ”fortunately” we had gotten fired from our job the week he was to arrive, and so the first couple of weeks until we found another job we go to spend a lot of time with him, and got to know him really well.

He told us he loved us one day shortly after he arrived, sitting on the sofa in our apartment, a day he’ll likely remember forever, because he professed his love to the “wrong” one of us (Cassandra) whose response was expressing her desire for a hotdog.  He laughs about it, but we are sure it wasn’t the way he’d seen that going.

A couple of days later he asked us to be his girlfriend, and we told him “no” at first. We are adventurous, but also logical on occasion. After some emotional conversation over it we decided to discuss it and talked out the semantics about how it might work, living in different countries, and neither of us being wealthy to afford several flights a year. In the end we decided it would be something we could try.
We spent the next few weeks as boyfriend and girlfriend(s), it was both amazing and difficult, difficult because it caused a lot of headaches, literally, for us, as is sometimes common in our particular disorder during high activity, stress and changes.

The day came when he had to get on a plane. Saying goodbye was hard. He promised to try to come back as soon as he could, ­he cried, we held tough, holding him at the international departures door, reassuring him he would be back soon, and it would be okay; waiting until he entered international departures, and we turned away, before we allowed the built up tears to stream down our cheeks.
It was only a month before he made it back, a long month for some, and he promised he never wanted to be away from us for that long again…and the rest…well, the rest is history, and the future. Seven long and event filled months after we made our relationship with him official we now find ourselves living temporarily in England with him. We’ll be going back to the states in the spring where he plans to immigrate, to live with us permanently.  He calls us his angels, and he is, for some of us, our knight in shining armour.

The most important thing we did, looking back over the months we were single, was finally dealing with a lifetime of baggage, condensing it, eliminating some of it; working on ourselves, and changing the way we approached dating and relationships. It’s important to be happy with you, accept whoever you are, to not go into every date thinking they “might be the one” because in doing that you are doing a disservice to the one who is truly “the one” …not to mention putting immense pressure on the situation.  
We try to have a fairly open and transparent relationship with him. We value honesty, even if it’s hard, it beats the pain of the opposite, the pain of secrets. James knows a relationship with us isn’t going to be easy, but he loves us, he loves who we are, and is willing to work at it. He knows we don’t all love him, he knows when he feels the urge to tell us he loves us, he may not be getting an “I love you” in return. He knows that a good relationship required work, and communication, just like a friendship. No relationship is organic.

We are happy we took the time to start dealing with our issues, to be stronger together, to be who we are, to learn to love ourselves, because how can you expect someone to love you, if you don’t love yourself.

Love yourself.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

~Frank et al
We, most of us anyway, want to thank Single Mom  for introducing us to the love of our life. For her beautiful soul we can only wish the same.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

In a Man's Own Words - What Do they REALLY Mean?

This is a guest post from a reader and friend in England, "Wubanger", @wubanger5 on Twitter.  We met on the site, traded a lot of tweets and have become very good friends for a year now.  He wrote a piece after one of our chats about how I (and women in general) overthink what a man means when he says something, anything really.   I know you'll enjoy the post and a peek into a man's real thoughts. ~ Smooches, The Single Mom

First off, this is my very first blog post, and therefore my very first guest post, so thank you kindly to my friend across the pond, The Single Mom for giving me this opportunity.  If you haven’t joined Twitter, it would be worth it to check out!/singlemomdate/.  Go on, this post will still be here when you come back.  It’s worth it, and you won’t regret it.

It all started when The Single Mom (now known as SMD for the sake of my fingers) and I were having a conversation on messenger.  She mentioned she was just a normal person, and I shouldn’t expect too much.  I’m paraphrasing quite heavily here, but you get the gist.
The point is that my reaction to point out that men have been having to take that one comment and sew it with all the meaning it needs to get through a) a conversations b) a day, and c) a relationship.

The truth is, most men – the normal ones I mean, not the freaks that seem to stay in your memories long after the men themselves have moved on – they’re amazingly simple to work out.  When a man says something like “I want to go out with my mates tonight”, what it in fact means, is “I want to go out with my mates tonight”.

Notice that there’s some subtext going on.  We have made a decision.  We want to go out.  We want to be with our mates tonight.  If you pay attention, you’ll also realise that there are some things that you also should be able to infer from what we haven’t said.  For instance, it doesn’t mean that we need to rethink this relationship, or you’re crowding us, or even that the weird argument we had last week about the way we come in and leave the kitchen door open is still in our minds.

We really are a simple breed.  We try to say what’s on our minds, and it doesn’t take long. I think the only time when we do have something we’re keeping quiet about is when you ask the Big One.  The one that strikes fear into our hearts and that we have to keep secret.  You know what I’m talking about.

Its “what are you thinking about?  There, I said it, I went there.  Its out.   So when we invariably answer “nothing”, we actually mean something along the lines of “The manager should have made the substitution!” or “that last round of tour of Duty was too hard, next time, I’ll come in from the other side”, or even “Has Mike sorted out that thing with his woman always wanting to talk to him so we can go out tonight?”  There’s a pattern to this, and we know that your interest in these subjects is slightly lower than wanting to get a biological analyses done of pond scum, so we don’t bring it up.  Its simple!

So the next time you want to know what we mean by something, and we tell you, just imagine that you’re talking to a group of people who really do say exactly what they think.  “I’m tired” does not mean “I can’t believe you wouldn’t let me go out with my mates tonight, so I’m going to sulk”.  We’re capable of communicating that just fine.

This is just one man’s perspective, so don’t read too much into it.  Feel free to leave a comment underneath if you’re wondering what that means.



Next post... another date with my new man, things are heating up and we are getting closer...

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

A Sexy & Smart First Date with a Smart & Sexy New Man

It was fun getting ready for a date again after having taken off the past few months to regroup.  I’d had my share of bad experiences on the front lines of dating and it was very unlike me but I was really worn down from the emotional rollercoaster of dating. I had one foot in the cat adoption shelter when I realized that it was time to put myself back out there again.
I talked to a few exes, traded some emails back and forth on the dating site again when one made a big impact on me.  I heard from someone I’d talked to and clicked with in the past.   We closed things very amicably last spring when he told me he met someone else and we both went separate ways.   I was happy and surprised to hear from him and when we started talking again, we fell back into a groove rather easily.
I was torn between feeling totally confident that I was ready to date again and totally second guessing that I was.  Taking a break from dating wasn’t something I’d ever really done, especially for a few months so I thought that the longer I waited, the harder it would be for me to get out there again.  I started to focus on work even more and was in a really good place.   Maybe I was in a good place to find someone who was also in a good place in life.
When we started talking on the phone, we clicked on a lot of levels and wanted the same things from life.  We have both become weary from dating and have had similar experiences with love and disappointment.    Yet, we both are hopeful and maybe unrealistic but yet want to find love.   Our first phone call lasted almost two hours and ended with a date for Friday night.   We talked again a couple of times before the date and didn’t run out of things to talk about. 
He’s a few years older than me, has a son a little younger than my youngest and our interests are a lot alike.    Talking to him was very easy and from his pictures he seemed very easy on the eyes too.
Friday couldn’t come soon enough and I know we were both feeling a mixture of excitement and nerves to finally meet.  He sent me a text Friday morning telling me how excited he was that the day was finally here.   I felt the same and fortunately had an extremely important day filled with lots of pressure and meetings all over the city to keep my mind off of the evening.
When the day was finally behind me, it was time to run home and get ready for a date again.   It was actually somewhat nerve wracking and exciting to be applying makeup, straightening my hair and choosing clothes to go out on a date.   It had been a long time and I told myself that since my excitement for the night outweighed my jitters, it convinced me that I was ready to put myself back out there again.
My date and I talked a few times before and I knew that he loves sexy shoes.  So, choosing an outfit started with my red heels, RAWR!  (I never promised that I play fair, did I? Nope.)     I chose a cute blouse with cutout sleeves, but not revealing.  I also wore jeans and pops of red accessories (maybe a red bra that the straps might “accidentally” show a little).    I wanted to look finished but not overdone.   I applied my makeup very carefully and used my secret weapons, yummy perfume and hair perfume too.   (Again, back to the not playing fair thing…)
From the pictures I’d seen of him and our conversations, he was good looking and very athletic.  Looks are definitely not tops on my list and he is definitely one of the most handsome men I’ve dated in awhile.   It didn’t hurt his chances, but it made me a little more nervous.    He’s several inches taller than me and stays in great shape.   
He lives about 40 minutes from me and he offered to drive to my area for the date.  He chose an Irish pub (the same one that a lot of my blog is set in) and holds a lot of happy and fun memories for me.    I drove there quickly and nervously.   He arrived right on time, and I was a couple minutes behind him.   He texted me that he was at the entrance waiting for me, I was sneaky and came in through the back entrance to find him patiently waiting for me alone in the breezeway.
We seemed to recognize each other immediately and the hello smiles and hug quickly turned into a hello kiss right on the kisser.   Well, hellooooah there.    Admittedly, I was a little nervous and it was hard to judge our kissing compatibility based on that impromptu kiss.   This became fodder for teasing and joking over beers for the next few minutes.   We were seated at the very crowded bar, the conversation and the beers were both easily flowing.   It felt very comfortable being with him and he even said so, almost reading my mind.
I was relieved and excited when he made his attraction for me obvious.  He put hand on mine or he stroked my hair and purposefully touched the small of my back where my hair ends.   It was sexy and flirty, and I’m sure we were being a little too much for public, but we didn’t care.    We talked very easily and spent a lot of time laughing during the conversation.   He leaned in closely to both intentionally take in my perfume and to let me smell his cologne – knowing it was my weakness.   
He stopped and said, “Mmm you smell so good and you are so beautiful, wow, just wow” as he leaned in to kiss me again.   The kiss melted both of us and maybe those around us too, ha ha.    After we shared the kiss, we both gazed at each other without speaking for what seemed like minutes.   Although we were in a crowded bar and there was a game on tv right over our heads, it felt like we were totally alone together.
I played with my hair in a flirty way and he commented how it made him crazy.   I answered by biting my lower lip, looking at him and leaning in to kiss him but pulling back in a playful way.    The time flew so fast and I needed to get home for an early day at work the next morning.  
We walked out of the bar, hand in hand we made our way outside on a warmer than normal Midwestern February evening.   After we turned a corner and had some privacy, he kissed me with more passion and pressed his muscular body against mine, pinning me up against a concrete wall.     Our kissing became intense and passionate, peaking with him grabbing my hands from around his neck, holding them over my head while holding my chin in his other hand kissing me harder still. 
His kisses trailed from my mouth down my neck while I was helpless pressed up against the building.   I could feel his hard body pushing against mine as I exhaled and moaned directly in his ear.   His hand gently caressed the outline of my breast before he intentionally adjusted my lacy, red bra strap on my shoulder.
We took a momentary breather from kissing and talked about how we both wanted more but that we wanted to wait until we knew each other better.   He asked me to be careful of his feelings, which was really endearing to me.   He also mentioned that he was excited for me to meet his son and how he definitely wanted to see me again.    So, here is a guy who is good looking, funny, likes shoes and is into me…?   This seems too good to be true, but is it?   I’ll definitely be smart about it and we will see if he sticks around for a nickname…
The Single Mom