Monday, March 12, 2012

Getting to Know You... Getting to Know All About You (meh)

So, this is one of the parts of dating that I hate the most… getting to know someone new all over again.    It’s hard after just ending a relationship to meet someone new and invest all the time again memorizing facts about them, getting to know his likes and dislikes, etc.    I’m being extra selective and only answering a few emails, and at a slow pace at that. 

Before my last relationship, I took a few months off of dating to clear my head.   When I came back to dating, I met someone I really started to like relatively soon.  It was just really easy to like him, we connected and it was simple.  At least until his feet became cold… same story different day. 

Now, I’m out there online again trollin, reading emails and profiles and kinda just going through the motions.   I’ve traded a few emails here and there, been slow to take it to the next step and hovering a little.  

I’m basically just dipping my toe in the water knowing I should put more effort into it, it’s just I’m not really gaga about anyone right now.   I’m slow to respond back and I get bored if they don’t catch my attention off the bat.  Maybe it isn’t nice but I don’t want to go out with someone unless he can carry on a conversation.    

On the site, I’ve been contacted by a few exes in the past week.   I responded to one, didn’t like his approach and just started ignoring him.  The others I simply ignored from the start.   One exceptionally douchy exboyfriend  is on the dating site and his Facebook relationship status is “In a relationship” .  He emailed me asking me out again, so I did a little look-see to his Facebook page and saw pictures of his girlfriend and him.  Oh, and here’s how classy he is, his picture on the dating site is the same one as his Facebook picture, just she’s cropped out of it.   Classy, huh?   

I signed up on a new dating site only to be matched up with “Man Candy” (my most recent exboyfriend) only days after we broke up.    Don’t you love it when that happens?  Nope, not really…  it’s a big shit sandwich.   The funny part is according to all of these scientific dating questions, we are practically a perfect match.   Ya, well someone should have told that to “Man Candy” before he got cold feet.    

I’ve been busy and that’s a part of why I’m so distant.  Someone will truly have to catch my attention to get through all the layers that I’m using to protect myself.    At work we were really busy and then a natural disaster happened in our area.   We were then approached to do a big (and keeps getting bigger) fundraising concert.   So, my time to date is even more rationed at the moment.  

I had to go to the site where the tornado happened and it had a profound emotional impact on me for some reason.  I saw houses reduced to rubble, furniture scattered around like loose change and talked to people whose lives were changed forever.    
Seeing all of this devastation made me reevaluate life and just how fragile it can be. 

It also made me miss the friendship and romantic feelings I had for “Man Candy”.    Although I tried to talk myself out of it, I texted him a simple text , “I miss you”.    It felt honest and even though it put me in a vulnerable position to not hear back from him, I did it anyway.    I wasn’t surprised that I didn’t hear back from him, although I’m pretty sure he misses me too, at least a little bit.

I guess for the moment I need to focus on the important things in my life.  Maybe this charity project is more important than me dating.  It’s doing good work and will help people and maybe I have to accept that perhaps it’s a better use of my time right now. 

It feels like I keep being forced to learn new things, be smarter and better about this whole love business.  Yet, I just want to let love find me really.  I want to be sure and I want to have butterflies in my stomach again.   All that good stuff is worth waiting for and being choosy, at least that’s what I’m telling myself to get through it. 

Thanks as always for reading and for your comments!


The Single Mom

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Alone at Last with "Man Candy" ... Sweet and Bitter

Things have been progressing well with “Man Candy”.  He’s a unique man because he hasn’t pressured me to have sex with him, we talk (not text) a lot and it seems like we are both looking for the same things.   From early on, although the attraction was strong, we agreed not to rush into sex.   The monumental third date came and went without knocking boots and things were going along at a great pace.   We ended the night with a hot and heavy public makeout session against my car, goodbyes were exchanged but no clothing was removed. 

After the first few dates went well, I breathed a huge sigh of relief, we were falling into a rhythm of him calling me every night, texting me first thing every morning, some kind of weekend plans assumed.  We had fun on our dates and we genuinely enjoyed our time together.   

This would now be our fifth date, I had an empty home for the evening and we made plans to finally spend private time together.   I was looking forward to having some quiet time with him and having him in my home.  

My stomach and my nerves weren’t as happy about tonight as my mood.   All day at work my stomach was tied up in knots and I felt nervous thinking of the possibility of him seeing me naked for the first time.   Gulp. 
To only add more pressure, he is a lifelong athlete and works out regularly.   I’m neither  of those, yet he is attracted to curvy women and I’m working on… how shall I say this… um… smoothing out the curves a little?  Yes, perfect.  I’m on a little diet, and trying to lose a few here and there (but not there... ;). 

My ex played the spoiler when he was being stubborn about picking up our son on time.   He seemed to always sense when to pull off a move like this and his timing was perfect to make the night more complicated. 

As I was doing the mad dash to hide sneakers, errant school books and run the vacuum, I thought a lot about how easy it has been being with “Man Candy” and how he has seemed interested since day one and not given me reason to doubt that.   He has been somewhat concerned about the amount of time that I have to work and not being able to spend a lot of time together because of it.   We haven’t had one minute of drama or even anger in the four weeks we’ve been together.   It’s just been so easy.  

He seems happy, there have been no “L” bombs dropped (Love) and I’m not sure I’m feeling it, just yet.  I’m convinced I could without too much but I’m trying to contain my emotions for the moment.   I definitely feel attached to him and I look forward to hearing his voice every night, and when we do say goodnight on the phone, I have to concentrate to NOT say “I love you” because it feels like it could slip out.

Our experiences with dating have been similar, he’s been dating about 7 years just like me and although we haven’t traded a lot of war stories, we have talked about how hard it has been.    He told me that he’s changed his expectations of finding a perfect woman and has more realistic expectations now.   Enter me and my many imperfections… 

Earlier this week, he casually brought up how excited his son was to meet me, that he’s told him about me and I’m stunned.  It feels like a big step, but things have been moving so smoothly that it feels right.   This is a big deal to me and makes me feel more confident that he’s sees us working.

Tonight’s date feels like a step forward, a big one and I’m admittedly scared and texted him so during the day as we were finalizing our night’s plans.  He comforts me, but my mind flashes to thinking of everything I have to get done when I get home and getting showered and ready for him. 

The time went fast and I was going to just have to rush through my makeup and hair.  The phone rang and he told me he was at the exit and would just be a few minutes.   Once I heard his voice, I felt relieved but had a lot to do. 

I threw on some jeans, heels and a sexy blouse.   After, I lit a few candles around the house, put some ice in glasses and had a quick drink, the doorbell rang.   I opened the door and he just smiled at me and came inside.  He swept his arms tightly around me and kissed me hard.  He held my face in his hands as his mouth covered mine.    We shared several long kisses before I stopped him and took him by the hand and led him into the kitchen for a drink. 

He helped himself and made drinks for both of us which we took to the family room and sat together on the couch.  It was like our nightly routine of catching up about our days, except we were face to face, his arm around me and my legs draped over his.  

I was intentionally casual, not fussing too much and just trying to make him feel like he was at home.  It was easy being together and we were comfortable just hanging out, watching tv.   

Moments of hot and heavy making out were contrasted with moments of handholding or snuggling on the couch.  The night was what I wanted it to be, casual, romantic and passionate.   It was comfortable having him here and he made himself at home right away.  

When it was time to go to bed, it felt like going to bed for the hundredth time together, not the first.  After brushing teeth, we turned down the bed and kissed goodnight.    As we were kissing, his hands and mouth moved over my body and mine over his.  We made passionate love and were both satiated and fell asleep in each other’s arms.   It was perfect and it felt good to make our couple status "official".
It wasn’t a restful night’s sleep for either one of us, he had a lingering cough and I had trouble sleeping the night through, for some reason.    We kissed a lot in the morning, the smell of coffee and bacon setting the scene for a cozy start of the day.   

He seemed a little cranky which I attributed to not feeling well.   He made comments about my suburban neighborhood and how boring it was and poked at me for a picture hanging a little crooked on my wall.  He seemed a little off and I didn’t make too much of it. 

We talked for a few minutes and his tone was unusually serious when we talked.  He asked a lot of questions about how much I work and seemed a little concerned.  He seemed satisfied with my answers, and headed off to pick up his son, kissing me as he left. 

Through the morning, I couldn’t wipe off the smile on my face, it seemed right that we waited to take this step together.   Warm and fuzzy thoughts of our future and us spending time together came to mind as hope started to seep into my heart.   For the first time since I met him, I felt like I could love him and that we were off to a good start. 

During the day, I texted him a couple of times and didn’t get answers back quickly.  Although this was odd, I wasn’t too alarmed.   I was still replaying the night before in my mind and catching myself grinning.  After a few hours of still not hearing from him, I texted him asking him directly what was wrong.  My phone rang instantly with his call and I pulled over to take his call. 

I was stunned to hear what he had to say.   He expressed serious concerns about how much I work and that my life doesn’t have a good balance.    For the first time, we addressed a lot of the challenges I’ve been facing recently with my ex not working and how I feel so much stress to work extra hard.   I told him about my blog for the first time and how much it matters to me, how much time I put into it and why and how it was a part of my dream.   He asked a lot of questions and seemed to process the conversation from every angle.  

My mouth dropped open wide when he revealed that he didn’t know if he saw us being together based on all of this.  I shared my thoughts but wasn’t going to plead.   I told him I was willing to make some changes but there were some that were outside of my control at the moment.  I explained that I love what I do and I’m a part of building a small company.  As we talked I suggested a compromise that I cut out the extraneous projects I do on the side.  He seemed somewhat appeased but still held on to being skeptical. 

He mentioned that he felt that things seemed to be moving fast all of a sudden and I immediately objected that he would say that since he was mostly the one setting the pace.

We’ve talked since and traded some texts and have decided to not see each other, at least for now.  I’m not one to go back to an ex, so I don’t see being together down the road.   I’ve told him that this is a temporary time of my life and he is being impatient and unfair with this decision.  He acknowledges it and has said that it’s very likely that he will regret letting me go.  

He told me all along that he hasn’t met a woman that cared about him as much as me in a very long time, and he said it again.  However, he didn’t see a future together and we should say goodbye. We didn’t fight, had no drama saying goodbye, we respect each other a lot and knew we were both hurting. 

I’ve had a few days to process this and it still doesn’t add up to anything other than fear on his part.   I miss him terribly every day at 10:00, which was when he called me and I feel a huge loss.   The frustrating part is that I’ve made the mistake to be sexual with someone too quickly and it blew up in my face, and this time I did things right with the same result.   

I guess the only thing that is remotely a good outcome from this is that for the first time I was somehow able to hold onto my heart and not fall deeply in love.  I suppose those scars I’ve accumulated are good for something.

Ironically, a couple of days ago, I signed up for a new dating site and it sent me a handful of people it thought I’d be compatible with, “Man Candy” was one of them.   I’m sure that he received it too and I wondered how he felt about seeing how much we were alike. 

I’m trying hard to let him go, it’s been impossible to sleep through the night and I keep checking my phone for texts that aren’t there.  My workload is getting better but we have a lot of extremely important negotiations right now.  It’s just too bad that he couldn’t be a little more patient and support me until things calm down.    So, my yummy “Man Candy” snack is now just a memory and hopefully in time, recalling him will be sweet, but for today it’s not.

Thanks for reading and for your support.


The Single Mom