Sunday, July 8, 2012

Breaking my "Man Fast"

So, I’ve been on this self induced dating break, well more accurately, a break from ALL emotions, ties, friendships, laughter and joy, yup that just about sums it up.  Maybe I’m exaggerating a just little, but there for awhile in late spring I was in the middle of extremely stressful legal stuff  with my ex about child support.  As a result I got to take lots of super fun trips to court and have many legal mumbo jumbo good times, essentially a big barrel of monkeys.   In addition to working like a total nut job and having my kids all the time, the stress was unbearable and I was sinking deeper into this abyss of stinky doggie doo and I was seeing no way out, or even wanting one, really.

It was every bit as miserable as it sounds and was making me a cranky bitch to be around, no doubt.   I stopped writing and became a work robot, hating it but feeling so angry at my ex and the situation that he created that I never wanted to put myself “out there” emotionally again – not with friends, not with a dude, I only wanted to work and be with my kids.   That plan was working really good for me for several weeks.

Ironically, what pulled me out of this “man fast”, was… you guessed it, a man.  Nice irony there, huh?   It happened completely innocently and despite my best efforts to defend myself from it.   I actually met him and another guy at an after hours work event that I had to attend, blech.   I started talking to them because they are both local police officers in the area and I thought they’d be good to know.  

Ironically, both men were also going through nasty divorce issues and we were all exchanging “I hate the other sex” stories, sounds like fun, huh?    This lil fiesta o’ hate went on and we all were talking and laughing, but I was intentionally NOT flirting and had my sex kitten super powers on lockdown.   In fact, I left them at the super secret SMD headquarters cave, locked in the vault.

I didn’t think much about this little chit chat session , said my goodbyes and headed home.    It wasn’t until the next day that the younger, more good looking officer kept doing obvious flybys near my office.   We’d talk and for the next few days it was basically an extension of our cranky ex stories from the first night.    Our convos were peppered with some random bitching about life, his boss and the like but nothing major.

His little crush started becoming obvious to my coworkers because he’d find any reason to stop by and chat with me, but I was careful to not let my walls come down to this potential intruder.   I’d just get a few more kitties to reinforce my crazy cat lady status and would shoooo off this dude like it never happened.   Well, that was my plan and it sounded good, anyway.

There was something about him that made me feel safe, not just his uniform and stuff, but emotionally safe.  I couldn’t explain it but I found myself trusting him and opening up to him about things that I don’t normally share.  I was vulnerable with him for some odd reason and it was great having someone to talk to who didn’t seem like he judged me and that he understood where I was also.

The more my coworkers teased me about his crush on me, the more it started to chip away at my fears to like him.  Looking back now, I think that I rationalized that if he liked me enough to be obvious about it in front of my coworkers, that his feelings were probably legit. 

One day after only knowing him a couple of weeks,  he accidently blurted out, “I like you”.   It was so incredibly sweet and it changed the way I felt about him.   I looked down, blushed and started to like him even more.   

He was being vulnerable with me and it made me feel like a 13 year old little girl.    Well, let me correct that, I felt like a 13 year old girl with the dating street smarts of a 40 something woman – perfect combination, huh?    I was very careful to let him set the pace, not at all like what I’d normally do.  I was able to wait for him to come to me and found it irresistible one day when he found a flimsy work reason to give me his number. 

The first day we started texting, I was cautious to not be too flirty (ie sexual) too fast.   His personality is very different than mine, he’s very literal and I’m anything but; so it was sometimes hard to know if he understood me through text.   He was flirty with me but nothing too over the top.   It was becoming like a friendship that was evolving into more, naturally.  My excitement was growing and I looked forward to seeing him during the day. 

One day, I started getting texts from a number I didn’t know and it was obvious that it was someone from my new workplace.  This person talked about some of the events going on and how pretty I am, etc.  It was harmless and I thought I knew who it was but I was still extremely creeped out.   

I then felt like I had to let my crush know about it since it was a safety issue.   He was extremely protective of me and swooped in to make sure I was safe.    I texted him about it right when it started happening and honestly when I saw him the next day, I wanted to fall into his arms and have him hold me tight.  I tried to act like it didn’t bother me much, but truth is that it freaked me out.  I didn’t give the stalker my number, he watched me a lot and it bothered me.   However, I tried to hold onto my SMD bravado and act tough.   I’m pretty sure he saw right through it.

I’d love to tell you that he swept me off like a scene from The Bodyguard and whisked me off into a sunset, but sadly that isn’t how this story ends.  Actually, it basically just ends.   The stalker person stopped texting me right after I asked him to, which was good.  I can’t help it that I sometimes still wonder if he watches me, but I can’t let it bother me too much.

As for my crush he was in the process of a transfer  and our flirtation ended abruptly, inexplicably in fact.   It seemed like it was going somewhere, slowly, deliberately and carefully, but somewhere at least.   Truth is, it just didn’t go anywhere.    After several weeks of seeing him every day a few times a day, then texting for a few weeks it was just over.  Once he transferred, he just disconnected and it seemed really odd.

I’m not sure how to even begin to understand it but the one positive take away is that although this junior high flirtation didn’t go anywhere, it did help me to bring out my superdooper sex kitten super powers again from the vault.   The flirtation was a fun little distraction and it was flattering that this younger, good looking man was interested in me.   However, I was starting to feel close to him and see the possibility of us seeing each other and it hurt a little because I was starting to think I mattered to him.  I guess not.

Maybe  the better news for me, anyway is that it has brought me back to writing again.   I had an epiphany one day recently that the reason I stopped writing is that I didn’t want to feel anything anymore.  Writing causes me to name my feelings, describe my highs and lows and I just didn’t want to feel anything or be vulnerable for awhile.    Fortunately, I think I’m over that hurdle now.    Unfortunately, my time is very limited and my stress is abundant… so I don’t have a lot of time to A) date or B) write about dates, but at least I’m not a raging, cranky bitch.

I’m rockin the high heels, batting the eyelashes and enjoying the HELL out of being single this summer.   I have a couple other little crushes in the works and I’ve had a couple of “dates”…   (The “dates” are with ex’s, one who wants to reconcile badly, another who is deep in the emotional cave I was in and saddest of all, a cancelled date with the man who set my heart and my junk on fire last summer, Latin Lover…  I’ll get you up to speed soon, I promise.) 

So thank you for reading, I hope your summer is hot and steamy, wink wink.

The Single Mom 


Searching for me said...

Great to have you back! I can certainly relate to being in "the cave" it's tough to find your way out when the last thing you want to do is feel anything! Still love your writing and hope you enjoy every minute you do find time for yourself!

Hope Grace said...

So glad you found your mojo! And your man-fast has ended! Taking time to reflect and catch your breath allows you to recharge and begin again.

Go for it and enjoy every second!!!

Anonymous said...

She's back - better, smarter, and sassier than ever!

go you!


Melissa said...

Yay!!! You are back!!!!

singlemom said...

Thanks for all the lovin! Big sloppy smooches!

Tabitha Faith said...

I love ur blog! I am new to blogging and urs was the first interesting one I came across.. I too am back on the dating scene after heartache.. And I'm starting to look forward to it :) it's winter in australia but enjoy your summer.. Lucky!

singlemom said...

Thanks, Tabitha! I hope you keep reading... Smooches!!!