Sunday, October 14, 2012

The Chilly Days after the Steamy Night with "Man Candy"

As the “morning after” went on, I started to come down from the emotional high of waking up next to Man Candy and all the happy flashbacks of the night before started to be replaced with questions.   I started to wonder what did last night mean, what would happen next and was he starting to have deeper feelings for me. 
I tried to toss these thoughts out of my mind and just try to enjoy the rush, but it became harder and harder as the hours passed.    An image of our steamy night, bathed in salty kisses and intense lovemaking flashed in my memory, but just as quickly, it was replaced by an uneasy feeling of thinking I'd made a mistake.  My body was washed over in pleasure and I enjoyed smelling his cologne linger on my skin, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right.
We kept in touch, not much change in our communication patterns and I consciously tried to not be a “girl” and dig deep into his feelings or probe him for any change in our closeness.    I read and reread every text three or four times to try to sniff out a hidden meaning or some hint of closeness, only to find nothing to hang hope on. 
We met the next Sunday afternoon to watch football.  It was a beautiful day with clear blue skies and the first day that the breezes started to feel more like fall and at the same time that summer was slipping away fast.   The place we met was a local spot that we met up for beers last winter.  Today, we went outside and were seated on an outdoor patio surrounded by lively football fans, cheering on their team and downing wings and beers.   

The mood was cheerful and we enjoyed the sunshine on our faces and being able to see the football game from outdoors.  We had beers, snacks and enjoyed the game.  During commercials, we chatted about our usual subject matter, kids, work, sports but nothing of any depth.     After the game, I decided to get home to get a jump start on the week ahead.   There were groceries to buy and the boys’ laundry to fold and put away.   I was enjoying my time with Man Candy but there really didn’t seem to be a reason to stay. 

Our conversation seemed more forced than normal and although it was comfortable it just didn’t seem like we were cutting through basic small talk.   We said our goodbyes and I made my way back through the crowded bar to the entrance.   As I walked to my car, it began to irritate me that he didn’t walk me out and kiss me goodbye. 
I had a 20 minute drive home to think about this more and I became more irritated.  When I came to my exit, I pulled over at the first parking lot and texted him how he seemed distant today and I didn’t understand why.   I put my car in drive and began to roll forward when I received his reply.  He seemed angry and told me I was nuts and that he was just his normal self.    I fired back that he could have walked me out and kissed me goodbye and thought it was odd that he didn’t.   

His reply was that he was sorry and it wasn’t intentional.    I accepted his apology but started to realize that we were in two completely different places emotionally.   I had to realize that I couldn’t expect him to have some kind of spiritual connection with me during a football game, but I didn’t want to feel like a piece of furniture either. 
During the next week, he seemed a little more distant than normal and I realized he probably wasn’t going to develop deeper feelings for me.   I knew if I wanted to hang out with him, watch a game and share some beers, I was in luck.  However, if I wanted to have the closeness that we used to have, it didn’t seem possible. 

The next few days passed along without incident.  On Friday, we didn’t have any plans for the weekend and out of frustration I sent him a text that afternoon that I wanted to talk.   He called me right away and I took a walk to overlook the river to take his call.  He was concerned about what I had to say and encouraged me to talk.  
I explained that I didn’t see us moving in a forward direction and that I was frustrated and disappointed.   He opened up about some issues about his son and his ex that have been taking his attention the past few days.  There had been some drama and they had been going back and forth about homework and schedules. 
I took this time to tell him some observations about his ex that I’ve been keeping to myself for weeks.   I basically unloaded how I felt she was using him and controlling his life and I was probably too blunt.  It bothered me how this was going on and I finally spilled my guts about it.  He was quiet for a few moments which seemed much longer than they really were.  

He agreed with everything that I said and thanked me for bringing it all to his attention.   He saw a new reality that somehow he’d been denying all along and he couldn’t argue with anything I said.  I apologized for saying it the way I did, but that I wanted him to be able to make changes.    This opened up a whole new conversation and I told him that I was here to help him in any way I could and that I wished he’d told me what had been happening.     
It felt like we had made some real progress and it felt like we were almost like a team and he trusted my opinion.   He asked if he could see me tonight after work and I invited him to come along with my colleagues after we finished and have some beers with us.  He said he’d text me and that he was looking forward to the evening. 

I checked my phone several times and his text finalizing our plans never came.  I went ahead with my plans and enjoyed chatting with my coworkers after an intense week.    It was a relief that the long week was finally behind us and the drinks were taking the edge off of the past few days.    I texted him simply, “WTH?”  and before I could put the phone down, it rang. 
Of course it was him calling to tell me that he was feeling depressed and couldn’t force himself to go out like he originally planned.   It was so loud in the bar and I wasn’t going to continue to have a conversation with him while I could be having fun with my friends.   He clearly wasn’t putting in the same effort and I wasn’t going to let it bother me.   I told him we’d talk later and I continued enjoying time with my friends.   It affected me and it hurt my feelings, because I started to hope that we had turned a corner, but deep down, I didn’t count on it either. 

I spent the next day cleaning, organizing and tossing out stuff.  I’m not sure why, but during emotional times like this, I clean out my closet, maybe I just feel like I need to regain control of something, anything so I took my frustration out for “Man Candy” out on my innocent walk in closet.    
Later that evening, I met a girlfriend for appetizers and a drink to replay the past few days and get her opinion.  She listened and agreed that there didn’t seem to be any reason to think he’d change and that I should stop communicating with him.

That night, when I got home, I was beyond worn down.  I was both drained and physically exhausted.   As I slipped into bed, I texted “Man Candy” a simple goodbye, telling him that I care about him but it’s time to part ways.    It wasn’t necessary to talk again and rehash everything, it was clear where we both stood and that there wasn’t a point of dragging it out longer.  
He apologized for sending me mixed messages and I was a little bitchy with my response.   I know he didn’t mean to hurt me but he still did and that it didn’t make it hurt less.   My anger was pushing my sadness down and I was still feeling bitchy, not sad.    He said goodbye and that he’ll miss me too.   I read his words several times but I couldn’t cry, I just mocked his text repeating his words in a sarcastic tone.  I knew it was immature, but it was easier than feeling disappointment and rejection.

I texted my other best friend, a guy who is much younger than me, but somehow we are incredibly close.  I knew he’d be working the late shift and that he’d know just what to say to comfort my battered heart.    He immediately returned my text and was incredibly sweet, offering to talk if I needed to.    I thanked him for being so sweet but I didn’t feel like talking.  
I then sent a couple of pathetic, whiny texts about what happened and how sad I was that it ended up like this.  I was aware of how lame I was and he texted me back with a perfect response.   He told me that I’m a beautiful woman inside and out and that “Man Candy” would someday realize what a great woman he lost.   Although it was a “textbook” reply, it still touched me profoundly and my eyes started to fill with tears, finally. 

I thanked him for saying that and sent him a short and sweet text back.   My tears were flowing and I could barely see enough to read anymore.   My eyes closed and I let the tears stream down my face.   Although he texted me a couple more sweet texts, I didn’t see them until morning because I was already asleep…  dreaming a new dream.

Thank you so much for reading!!!


The Single Mom

Sorry I've been out of action for so long, life has been incredibly busy and stressful.   I'm in the thick of looking for a new job and it's been a lot of time and stress, but very important.    I also did an appearance on Huffington Post Live,  a panel conversation.  I've been asked to do another one and it just hasn't worked out, so hopefully, I'll be able to do one soon.   I've also been doing a regular Friday morning radio show talking about dating and relationships, so that's been fun to do and great to help people with their dating questions.   I've also struck out again on the dating scene, a couple of dates to catch you up on soon... not sure what to make of it all, but I'm putting myself back out there again, so I guess that's a good thing, we will see won't we?   Smooches!!!