Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Oh Those Summer Nights...

I’ve had several steamy moments so far this summer, some that have taken my breath away and some romantic stolen moments under a starry night sky.   Over the past few months, I’ve been dating a few men and have been enjoying the hell outta it, notice I said dating and not sleeping with them all, thank you very much.   My mindset about dating is totally different and it has made it so much more fun. I’m not exactly sure if it’s the relaxed summer days and having more social opportunities or just that I’ve had so many disappointments that my attitude is breezy about dating. 

Let me catch you up on life and why I’ve haven’t been blogging as much, spring was extremely busy with my youngest son’s end of school year activities.  I was running around like crazy helping him makeup homework and getting him from point a to b and life was hectic at home with my oldest too.   
As far as me, I’ve been working hard on my two jobs, networking, looking for other opportunities and writing when I can.   A great deal of my time has been spent exercising and working hard on my own personal development.  I’ve lost weight, feel incredible and have been putting my energy into me and my needs instead of constantly focusing on some dude.   Our home has also needed an incredible amount of work because of the change of season.  The yard especially has been giving me all the challenge I can handle, so I’ve had my hands full. 

My dating life has been equally active, I’ve been putting myself “out there” and the smile is back on my face.   I dated a couple of men this spring who seemed like they had real potential to end up as serious partners.  Oddly enough, I wasn’t really looking for anything serious, but they moved “us” in that direction.   One in particular, I thought could have been boyfriend material because our dates were fun and I “held my cards” until the right time (ie I didn’t sleep with him until I practically had him pinky swearing that we were a couple.)   

Although I make it sound like I laid down the law and was a tyrant, it wasn’t like that at all.  He spent a small fortune trying to impress me and our time together was always perfect.  Things progressed naturally, our dates were a blast, and I was puzzled when ultimately it didn’t work out.    However, I wasn’t completely attached so I didn’t miss a beat getting over it.   Looking back on it now, I’m still confused because he spent so much time and money to “woo” me but I guess his cold feet ultimately caused him to freak out.  

Sometimes, I wonder if I make it too difficult for the men I’m dating to get attached to me because of my past scars.  I have a lot of walls and I keep men at a distance.   I’m not really sure and although I think about it sometimes, I don’t know if I really WANT to change right now, or if there is anyone in my path that is worth being more vulnerable.  

However, recently I met a man who helped me tear some walls down.   He’s a young man no less who I’ve gotten relatively close to even though initially, I tried to push away.   I met him online, and when I saw that we had a huge (almost 20 years)  age difference I sent him a short and sweet email thanking him for the nice things he said about me but basically I was blowing him off because of our ages.   Although he is in his late 20's, he seemed mature, had a child and was a good person, but I couldn't completely ignore his age.  

He wanted to strike up a friendship because I seemed cool, but that didn’t really interest me – until we exchanged a few emails.    There was something about our connection and he made me laugh hysterically.   It was rare because he not only got my wicked sense of humor but he gave it right back to me and we became close, quickly.

To be completely transparent with you, I don’t “click” with a lot of people as friends that easily.  I’m nice to everyone, and I’m likeable overall but I don’t trust many people and I’m guarded.   I think it was easy to be myself with him because I didn’t view him as “relationship material” and we connected quickly.  

The friendship quickly turned into romantic chemistry and when we met for the first time, it was electric.   We were kissing within a few minutes and ended up steaming up some windows.    After our first date, I wasn’t clingy at all and our interactions were normal for the next few days.   Shortly after, he got a case of cold feet and pulled away.  However, there was just something about our connection that kept bringing us back together.   

Initially, I convinced myself I wouldn’t get attached to him and I lied to myself that it wouldn’t happen.   I was drawn to him because he still had some youthful sweetness and hadn’t been jaded about love in general .  He’s good looking, funny, sweet and charming, I should have known we were both doomed to get close, but I didn’t want to believe it.  Maybe it was naïve, but in the beginning I didn’t think we’d be intimate and then I was naïve again when I convinced myself that we wouldn’t develop feelings for each other, but we did.   

My heart wasn’t completely immersed but I was getting close to falling off the ledge, and I pulled away. Although I know having some distance is for the best, I miss our silly, sweet conversations and the blossoming summer romance that made me feel younger and invincible for a short season.  I have to admit, I felt free like a child on summer break because for a couple of months I was a giggly teenage girl again with a pure heart flirting with a boy, not worried about heartbreak or feeling silly.  I was just enjoying a playful courtship, sneaking around stealing kisses and laughing hysterically at our inside jokes.   

It was effortless being together and it felt so perfect as he slept in my arms, peacefully snoring.  There was just something that made us feel so comfortable together from the beginning, the friendship came easy, then the romance and it's sad that it doesn't have a future.  Even if our time together is really over, I know I’ll carry a piece of him and the memory of this sweet romance with me for a long time... and maybe just maybe, although it's bittersweet today, it taught me that the teenage girl with the pure heart is still a part of me.

Thank you for reading!


The Single Mom


tkkerouac said...

You are very brave to get close to a younger man and keep it in perspective.

Suz said...

Darlin' let me tell you something...I spent two years trying to not get attached to a much younger man (15 years) with whom everything was idyllic except for the age thing.
My 2 best friends kept saying "Love looks different for everyone." And I kept saying, "Yes, but..."
Finally, we really called it quits and it destroyed each of us.
So then, really finally, we gave in to the fact that we are actually madly in love and that somehow or another this makes sense - we make sense - even if it doesn't to the rest of the world.
Even my teenagers say that it makes sense to them because they have seen us together and they have seen us apart.
Lesson learned...don't say no to something/someone because it doesn't look like you expected. Love is much too rare.

Jelena Meisel said...

what a wonderful story...it takes a brave woman to let down the walls and let someone in, glad you enjoyed it while it last, but don't shut the doors on him completely, you just never know....

singlemom said...

Thank you all for commenting about this post, it is very near and dear to my heart as you can imagine. I don't like to predict life, especially since I was so off on how this would go so we will have to wait and see, but I've let it go. Smooches!!

Anonymous said...

Letting someone tear down walls is so hard. Good for you and it sounds like you had a blast. Is that what dating is supposed to be? I'm still not seeing the fun side of dating but I'm still holding out hope that'll I'll start enjoying it.

Jenniffer said...

I'm having a difficult time letting walls come down myself lately. Actually.. Not sure that I WANT them to come down.. hmm.. Anyway, I'm glad to see you write again!!!! :D

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